Studies shatter myth about abuse

USAToday ^ | June 22, 2003 | Karen S. Peterson

[BudgieRamone]

WASHINGTON

[Scenic Sounds]

By the way, I never hit him. : )

I think he's lucky that you weren't living near your father because that's the kind of story that will drive a father to violence.

I'm sure that kind of thing is more common than we realize, especially with young couples. At least, I was more aware of it when I was younger and spent more time with younger couples. I can’t think of any violent relationships that lasted, though.

I know that every good relationship has to have some aspects of dependency, but I guess there needs to be some sort of balance to the arrangement such that each person can at least visualize the possibility of living without the other should the other become physically or emotionally untrustworthy or abusive. Maybe it's just harder for us to see that when we're younger. Maybe our earliest experiences with love are more awkward and uncertain. Like you say, “it’s complicated.”

Anyway, a post like yours should be required reading for young folks. Thanks for sharing.

You’re very special. ;-)

[Scenic Sounds]

You two have had your share of bad relationships

LOL. One of my best ones ended in divorce. As you know, we're still very good friends. ;-)

[A_perfect_lady]

I'll give any woman one free shot. When she comes back for a second, she then has a fight. I might get beat, I might not, but no person gets two free shots.

Sounds like my policy. I've always said, "No one gets two shots at me." What I mean, of course, is that anyone who hurts me once never gets another chance, I'm outta there.

But there can't be that many abusers out there, I've dated quite a fe-... well, a lady never tells, but let me just say that in my years "out there" (I'm almost 38), no one has ever lifted a finger to me. Nor I him.

[Igraine]

It is absolutly true that women can be abusive.

A close relative of mine was abused by his wife for over 30 years. She constantly put him down, kept him from his friends and family, and controled him. He was a successful businessman but he had to sneak out to see his grandchildren.

After he retired it got much worse because he no longer had an excuse to leave the house without her.

At the end of his life, he had to have brain sugery and afterwords, his wife checked him out of the hospital early. She kept food from him and refused to let a doctor visit him at home.

The family kept trying to get him to leave and offered to take him in so he could be away from her, but he refused. I think that he may have almost forgotten that he could live without her.

There are evil women as well as evil men.

[Jay D. Dyson]

It is absolutly true that women can be abusive.

Aye, so true. I was married to one back in the early '90s. She was verbally, emotionally and on a few occasions physically abusive. It took me only about 18 months to open my eyes and say, "To hell with this nonsense."

And I walked. Of course, I was "the bad guy" for "abandoning" her...yadda-yadda-yadda.

I've since heard she remarried. Part of me feels sorry for the poor bastard that's her current husband.

-Jay

[disclaimer]

I wish every woman living with an abuser could have the support I did. Unfortunately, it often doesn't work out that way.

Before I met my wife, she was in a relationship as you describe. A friend of hers, with bible in hand, talked her into putting her trust in God to gain faith in herself. It was very painfull for her, but she broke up with him.

Months after, she and I met and we later married.

You see, I had broken up with a controlling and abusive woman at about the same time (I didn't let the relationship get all that far). My wife and I know what the darkside is like, and we thank God we met.

[shaggy eel]

Q: What's the first thing a man does when he gets out of the battered husbands' shelter?

A: The dishes, if he knows what's good for him.

[PPCLI]

Thanks for the post; you aren't alone. I wouldn't say this sort of pattern is *common* but it isn't rare either. I saw almost exactly what you describe happen to my sister; finally my parents and I had to intervene to get her out of that sick relationship.

[He was wonderful to her in public and gushingly warm to us, but then vicious when they were alone. So in the beginning we would say to her "what a great guy you've found..." and she would be thinking inside that she must therefore deserve that treatment. He was constantly - and I must say ingeniously - setting these little traps for my sister: she would do the natural thing in some situation he had arranged and because of some fact he had "forgotten" to tell her, she would be publicly humiliated. And again, in front of everyone he would be sympathetic and laugh it off, while twisting the knife later in private. Gradually we kept seeing less of her, always with some excuse. And so on. After a year of that, she had no emotional resources to resist when physical abuse began. After we got her away from him he carried on a pattern of long - distance harrassment for years. What a monster.]

Since my eyes were opened I've encountered at least two other relationships unfolding on this pattern, though at enough of a distance that there wasn't much I could do to help.

[M0sby]

My dad told me my whole life that,
"No man should EVER hit a woman, men are bigger and stronger and could really hurt a woman. NO MAN SHOULD EVER HIT A WOMAN...
unless she hits him first".
Something I have ALWAYS remembered.
BTW...I'm female!

[GretchenEE]

The number of women who hit first or hit back is "much greater than has been generally assumed," Capaldi says.

Just ask Hillary, the smartest woman ever to be First Whatever, the known authority on all domestic issues per the above. Ask her how much power she felt the first time she whalloped on Blubba and he cowered, caved, squealed like a stuck pig. She knew she had him for life, right then, right there. No matter how egregious his sins. She had him.

[freebilly]

31% of U.S. women report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend.

I've been sexually assaulted by my wife on a number of occasions. Not that I'm complaining or anything....

[SantosLHalper]

I'll give any woman one free shot. When she comes back for a second, she then has a fight. I might get beat, I might not, but no person gets two free shots.

THANK YOU.

[Hugin]

--Men are usually too ashamed to report being "beaten up by a girl" while women in this twisted game are all too often awarded points for being the victim.

Men also know that if the cops come they will be the ones arrested, regardless of who started the fight.

[exnavy]

Longing for the good old days when men were men, and thumped those that stepped out of line, including wives and children.

[Fzob]

31% of U.S. women report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend. 30% of Americans know a woman who was physically abused by her husband or boyfriend in the past year.

Sorry these number don't pass a smell test.

[Maximum Leader]

I guess the pracitical advice I take from this is, if a woman hits you, don't hit back...

just walk out the door, cool off and spend the night at an old girlfriend's house.

:o)

[GladesGuru]

Several laywers have told me that they know of many cases where people have been jailed for long periods over "abuse" cases where the facts did not support conviction. Yet the new legal mechanisms mandate such sentences.

The historic concept of innocent until proved guilty is much weakened by these laws. It is of interest to me that many of these laws serve primarily to increase the number of non-productive agency employees dealing with 'created" violations. Such is the inevitable consequence of allowing government out of the strict limitations of the Constitution.

By "Constitution" I refer to the US Constitution. Here in my home state of Floriduh we use our constitution to regulate pig pens. Coincidently, we also used the state constitution to mandate maximum class size.

[disclaimer]

I guess the pracitical advice I take from this is, if a woman hits you, don't hit back...
just walk out the door, cool off and spend the night at an old girlfriend's house.
:o)

That's defined as abandonment by the courts, you'll lose your children and home if the woman calls a lawyer.

[sheik yerbouty]

Feminists see men as "dhimmi", hence no facts or reason will move them from their misandrist mantra..

[sheik yerbouty]

My wife has had her way with me, more times then I can count...I'm so ashamed!