Replies

Thanks for the post; you aren't alone. I wouldn't say this sort of pattern is *common* but it isn't rare either. I saw almost exactly what you describe happen to my sister; finally my parents and I had to intervene to get her out of that sick relationship.

[He was wonderful to her in public and gushingly warm to us, but then vicious when they were alone. So in the beginning we would say to her "what a great guy you've found..." and she would be thinking inside that she must therefore deserve that treatment. He was constantly - and I must say ingeniously - setting these little traps for my sister: she would do the natural thing in some situation he had arranged and because of some fact he had "forgotten" to tell her, she would be publicly humiliated. And again, in front of everyone he would be sympathetic and laugh it off, while twisting the knife later in private. Gradually we kept seeing less of her, always with some excuse. And so on. After a year of that, she had no emotional resources to resist when physical abuse began. After we got her away from him he carried on a pattern of long - distance harrassment for years. What a monster.]

Since my eyes were opened I've encountered at least two other relationships unfolding on this pattern, though at enough of a distance that there wasn't much I could do to help.

I know just what you mean.

Your post reminded me of an incident when my boyfriend bought me a very nice watch at a jewelry store, much to my surprise. My mistake was answering honestly when someone we worked with asked me where I got it. I could tell by the look on his face that I was going to pay for that, and I did. (To this day, I have no idea why he thought it was bad for me to credit him with the gift. Maybe he didn't want anyone to know he cared for me enough to buy me a watch, because everyone already knew we lived together.)

The co-worker later said to me, when I revealed to him what our life was like, "Really? I had no idea he was like that!" Our line of work was such that we shared a residence with two other people - this guy was one of them - and it took them a very long time to figure out what was happening.

Abusers can really fool people sometimes.