LADIES - Learn The RULES!!!!!!

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[JoeSixPack1]

OK LADIES - LEARN THE RULES!!!!!!

The Rules developed by National Fairness to Men Organization. This time like the "United States Constitution" these rules are developed by Men. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules for all women to live by! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

Rules for Women to Live By

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do! Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[Maven]

Funny! And yes, I still like men!

My parents will celebrate their 46th anniversary in September. My father likes to say, "I've been married for 18 wonderful years, and 18 out of 46 ain't bad." My mother occasionally looks dreamy and says, "If he goes out in a car accident, it's double indemnity...."

My maternal grandparents were married 62 years, and they held hands until the very end. My mother says that the reason for this was if they ever let go, they would have killed each other.

Actually, my parents are very happily married. Really. They've reached that point where, when they go out, young people look at them and sigh, "Aren't they cute?" Of course, they're usually wearing their Jamaica gear - Dad's violently multicolored floppy hat with zippered pocket, carrying his mahogany walking stick, and Mom wearing her tye-died t-shirt that says, "Hey, We Be Jammin', Mon!," which just goes to show that even 40-something adult women can still be horribly embarrassed by their parents.

Maven

[Not A Snowbird]

Those things just can't be real.

[JoeSixPack1]

Thanks for asking, but it ain't mine, take it, I got this one the same way ;-)

[Neville72]

The definition of the perfect woman is.......three feet tall, no teeth(they do get in the way sometimes) and a flat head to set your drink on.

[JoeSixPack1]

Maybe not, but whoever made em deserves a cigar & a handshake! :-)

[Cate]

I think in all our marriages (26 years for us) there are days that both of us almost gag looking at the other one. But the deciding factor for us is that we were married by an old catholic priest. It took an hour and half to get through his sermon, (my mother was making choking signs at him to no avail). I honestly think that if it took that long to get married, it will be a lot more painful to get divorced. And since the kids are all gone, I am remembering why I married this wonderful guy. He is very fun to be around and he is still the most handsome man around as far as I'm concerned. Hopefully, we have set a good example for the 3 kids that they need to hang on through thick and thin :)

[Young Werther]

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic."

Corollary: "When a man is born he stands up and looks. When a man stops looking he will lay down and die!"

From my Uncle Mike who was a world clas ogler!

[Victor K]

That's a good point! Why do men always have to be the one to flip the lid? I think equal opportunity flipping is "a good thing". (Free Martha)

[NH Liberty]

What's with Smuckers? (not that I ever buy it, but it might come in handy for telling others...) Do they give money to the Reds?

[LiteKeeper]

SPOTREP :-)

[SierraWasp]

"I am lucky to have a husband whose Mom taught him to put the seat down, though!"

Yeah... So's my wife!

But what I don't git is why mine insists on putting the replacement roll on the roll holder with the dang paper slung underneath, instead of over the top, like it should be!!!

I git sum song n dance 'bout the grandkids or animals might put the end in the toilet and flush the whole roll down to the septic tank!!!

I cain't stand it!!! (is this too far offa the subjict)

[JoeSixPack1]

Fits perfectly! :-)

[Victor K]

Man you don't know how many times I've told, I mean asked, my wife to check the oil in her car on a regular basis!

I say, "No dear, the check engine light isn't there to tell you when you're a quart low. When it comes on it's telling you your engine is down to the last few drops of lubricant after 6000 miles without a change and no check. And it's screaming at you to pull over to the side of the road and shut it off, so it doesn't completely seeze up and the block still might be salvagable as a trade in for a remanufactured engine, if you do!"

Oh... that felt good to say. Thanks for listening.

[JoeSixPack1]

Venting is good! :-)

[Nea Wood]

Wow. Excellent response. Thanks for expressing the female point of view!

[goodnesswins]

I have NO excuse for why I put the t-paper on with the paper "under"......but, that's the way I like it. I never heard the "rule" about which way it should go....LOL.

[Victor K]

I really meant it. Thanks man. I had a tough day. I finished it off by telling my wife I was ready to quit my job, even though I don't have anything lined up. I think it shocked her a little.

If I could just convince her to find a job that has health insurance in place of mine, I could do something worthwhile and enjoyable like making hunting knives or Windsor chairs, instead of wasting a lifetime on software bits, bytes, SLAs, errors, hot news, JAVA, COM, SQL, abends, yada... Sorry.

It's the weekend. Thank God for that.

[Valin]

Things YOU'LL Probably NEVER hear a woman say:

1. The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper too, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

2. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

3. Bar food again! Kick ass.

4. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

5. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.


6. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want'em?

7. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

8. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

9. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer.

10. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch football.

11. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

12. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

13. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

14. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

15. I'll be out painting the house.

16. I love it when you ride your Harley, I just wish you had more time to ride.

17. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself something.

19. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire.

20. Look! My butt is fatter than yours!

21. Let's get rid of my friends and keep all of yours.
22. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

[JoeSixPack1]

Manufacturing anything is a winning proposition as long as you can find buyers and maintain a good work discipline in your endevor! Good Luck down the road. Think ebay! :-)

[oceanperch]

Forgot 1 the marking the trees thingy.