'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[Aliska]

The sexual attraction is my first motivation

That's the way it was with me; it's only natural. But it always led to disappointment, not because it didn't end in marriage, but because some other vital elements were lacking.

Yes, I'm past middle age. No, I'm not looking any more. I just like to chat with people sometimes.

[najida]

I have been married twice....have dated off and on for years....

Some folks do well in marriage, some don't...

I am one of them (remember 'The Titanic'?....I am the ship)....It was the loss of independence, the loss of privacy and the expectations of me becoming the 'housekeeper-laundress-cook-yardgirl-breadwinner.'

I miss the physical intimacy, but I don't miss the other stuff. I just don't do well with someone else livin' in the same house and sleepin' in my bed.

[Aquinasfan]

We laugh now about it, but that's how my husband was raised....whose fault is it first, then look for resolution. I've finally learned to say everything is MY fault....and then we get to resolution really fast.

LOL! I heard a priest pass along what a man said who was married for 50+ years. He said that the two most important words in a successful marriage are, "yes dear." There is a point there about humility and patience.

[stands2reason]

One can sometimes get more satisfaction, and real "after-results", from a great meal.

Nuh-uh. I looove food, but I've never left the table without walking straight. I don't often think of a meal many times after I've eaten it and recall exactly how it tasted and shiver. Doesn't happen.

[Aliska]

I think you have hit on something but it goes deeper. People no longer have cultural ties to share as they once did. We are too homogenized and people from different cultures can get along superficially but it doesn't work all that great in a marriage generally. Of course, there are always exceptions.

[wardaddy]

He does do a lot of internet surfing in "those" kind of websites though.

All men look at naked girls given the chance...sort of like dabbing the icing off a cake if no one's looking. Even near death, my own father was appreciative of the comely appearances of my then administrative assistant and his nurses. It's just how we tick....we're pretty damned visual not to say we are total dogs. Now...if it's obsessive and really all gets into all that lurid chat room stuff I've heard about or if it's a means to an end as in behavior that should be directed at you....then it's gone beyond normal and into the trouble area. A naked or nearly naked girl walks by me on a beach...the only way I'm not noticing is if I'm blind.

[goodnesswins]

Here's another trick we learned...."He/she who says 'I'm Sorry' first, WINS.

[wardaddy]

Best post on a helluva thread. Amen!

[Go Gordon]

Among women of my close aquaintance there is about a 50/50 split between the women who love sex

Names and numbers would be appreciated

[wardaddy]

I understand.

My father in law (widower) just got married again at 76 to a 60 something rather nice lady who'd been divorced for years.

My maternal grandmother did the same in her 60s. Life takes many twists.

[wardaddy]

LOL...

[stands2reason]

Why not ask what a man is thinking about?

How old are you, dear? Seriously, they are tired of saying "Nothing" and you not believing them. Anyway, you don't want to go there. Looking into a man's mind is like watching sausage being made.

[Pan_Yans Wife]

I agree with your post. Physical attraction is what kindles the spark and then keeps us interested.

I just wish that more young people would realize that if their partner isn't someone that they wish to marry, they should move on. Life is too short to stick with the wrong person, for the wrong reasons. Physical attraction shouldn't be the only reason why we are in a relationship.

[wardaddy]

Very true.

My ex was Brasilian and even though there was plenty of heat...the cultural differences can be problematic. She was quite spoiled and I only made that worse. She did me a favor when she hitched her wagon to another horse....didn't take me too long to realize that.

However...some folks revel in different cultural meshing...more power to em. It's a lot easier now for me being with my own kind more or less....even though Latin women are very much like Southern girls.

[Melas]

Yeah, just like beer & cheeze-its. Sex is, always has been, and always will be, over-rated...

You're mad!

I'll have been married for 12 years next month, and sex still leaves me in absolute awe. I'll describe my last sexual experience with one word: Transcendent

[stands2reason]

Hey, but you're supposed to be turned on when your wife is wrapped in burlap with a paper bag over her head right after she's been cleaning fish and shoveling out a barn! What are you, some kind of preee-vert? ;-)

[wardaddy]

Yes...yes...and yes.

i have seen particularly young women wait in vain on Peter Pan's who are simply using them.

I sort of did that myself in my early 20s admittedly.

I will warn my daughters about men like I was..lol

...had a woman do it to me too as well....what goes around comes around...she was so self obsessed though I'm glad I finally took the hint even though she didn't realize it and I moved on.

You know another caveat....beware of folks who only leave a bad relationship when they have a backup on standby. Everyone needs that little "time in the wilderness" to get a grasp.

[wardaddy]

BTTT

[Ugly Truth]

This statement is just as libido killing. "Can I ask you a question?"

[goodieD]

One of the most important things in a marriage is diplomacy.. What kind of spouse would come right out and say " I don't want to have sex with you anymore because..." ? If there is a problem, couples need to learn to approach them with tact...not blunt agression.