'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[Utilizer]

You are a good guy utilizer with a lot of wisdom. I dont doubt for one second soe lucky woman wil notice that!

Why thank you, jm! You are too kind. I am far from perfect, but perhaps My day will yet come.

[Aliska]

Nothing works for me. I was brought up in a culture where women didn't flaunt their sexuality. I don't know what they did in private. They didn't dress sexy either. And they weren't catholic or mormon, just your ordinary women.

All this emphasis on sex is causing people to lose their sexuality. Men wouldn't know a real lady if she bit him in the ass. The same for women. They don't know what a real man is any more.

[Ciexyz]

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 BUMP.

[William McKinley]

sexual congress

Two words that, were the world perfect, would never appear together.

[NeoCaveman]

If all women acted like men and had that level of comfort in their sexuality.....we'd be a bunch of very tired men...lol.

This man wouldn't complain.

[wardaddy]

I went back and re-read your posts.

I'm sorry. Your husband needs to grow up.

I'm 45 and about as grown up as I'm apt to get. My wife gave up a great career for all this and yes....she does 85% of the domestic stuff but i rarely complain about my 15% and in fact enjoy the baby stuff. I do not like having to discipline my now 3 year old but it has to be done and I'm better suited for it emotionally than her.

We simply have the same goals and completely share our life together outside of my work. Frankly, we only know a few couples who do that to the degree that we do.

I live to raise my family and to create as much wealth for them as possible for obvious practical reasons.

I have a relative like what you describe.

My mother would boot me out of the house if I was hanging around too much and not taking care of business....hell, I take care of her's too since my dad died. It's simply my life.

My wife and I do have our moments though to be candid. I'm old school alpha male and very opinionated and she's all South and passive aggressive a bit and will pout...lol...but I've been around women like that all my life so I know how to deal with it and chart unfriendly waters when they present themselves. I'd rather be nudged than confronted face first constantly. I do hate pouting though...to me it's a waste of precious time....to her...lol...it's her weapon of choice and she knows it works..lol

[NeoCaveman]

sexual congress
Two words that, were the world perfect, would never appear together.

That just brought up a series of very unpleasant images.

[wardaddy]

Thanks...nice tip...but G-d's sake don't tell my wife..lol...she's already got more than enough "filly" in her.

[Aquinasfan]

Most of the whiners who complain about men not helping with laundry and cooking neglect all the time most men spend taking care of the yard, the gutters, the painting, the cars, etc. I will say, though, that my wife works at least as hard as I do, probably even more so. But she's not a whiner, either.

OK, so I don't cook the meals, but does renovating the basement count for anything? Oh well, nobody's perfect.

[justshutupandtakeit]

Varying levels of desire is not the same as being in "heat." Nor is there the same mechanism of attration for males.

And female animals are only sexually accessible during heat.

[justshutupandtakeit]

Right it is very important for closeness. This is why it is so difficult for people to have long term sexual relationships where love is totally absent.

[Scothia]

RM, your husband is a classic example of arrested development.

Start taking the kids and accompany him to his Saturday night practices. Tell him you'll just sit in a corner or the next room so the children can be close to their daddy and see what it is that is so important to him that it takes him away from them every weekend. But do this in a sweet and not a snide way! Bring along someone to help with the kids if you need to.

The looking at porn at Mommy's house has got to stop--end of story, no negotiations. He is disrespecting you in an unbelievably crass manner. Stop being your mother and figuratively cutting his toenails. If he says he won't stop his actions, consider changing your job situation so your hours coincide with his, and you can all go to Mom's house together. Somehow looking at hot babes isn't as much fun with wifey nearby. (sardonic grin)

Go to the bowling banquet with a good attitude--dress up really nicely, put on makeup and a bright smile. You've got to give him this, because he is trying. Tell him next time it's your turn to pick the date, and then mark the time on the calendar before you go to bed tonight. Inform him clearly, in advance, where you'll be going, and that after that it's his turn to choose again. When he drags you to something you aren't particularly interested in, just do it willingly on the outside even if you'd rather be peeling potatoes. Your attitude will catch up to your behavior, and you both will win. Correction: your whole family will win.

Sometimes we women expect our men to read our thoughts. They can't. They need something clearer than "I thought he'd just know by now I hate bowling banquets."

[Ferret Fawcet]

Interesting posts, though I did not have time to read them all.

The most effective thing that's worked for us- TURNING OFF THE TV. It works wonders.

[justshutupandtakeit]

I have seen those lamebrained comments. Taliban infiltrators.

[canyon]

Any ideas? Hard for me to just come out and say it, she cries at the drop of a hat.

I would venture to guess that it is intimidating to your wife to go to the gym with you. Especially if she is really overwieght and out of shape.

I would suggest that you encourage her to work out at home at first. Have her find a T.V. show or video that she can do when your child is taking a nap, etc. Also, take walks with her or buy a treadmill. Encourage her to start out easy. Maybe this will get her started and she can work her way up to working out with you at the gym.

I started doing this at home almost 3 years ago. I initally lost 20 pounds (it took me 7 months) and with a reasonable diet and continued exercise, I have been able to maintain my weight and figure.

[Scothia]

Men wouldn't know a real lady if she bit him in the ass.

(Chortle) I doubt a real lady would do this.

[Phantom Lord]

You don't have a marriage, you have a business relationship.

What the hell are you talking about? Since I go on a golf vacation each year with 20+ of my buddies, which by the way is the ONLY time I see them each year as they still live in NY and I now live in NC, my wife and I don't have a marriage but a business relationship?

As I said, you already have the perfect marriage.

No marriage is perfect. Not a single one. But my wife and I have an outstanding marriage and both of us are very happy.

As long as anything is more important to each of you it will remain that way.

What's more important to each of us? Do you have some insight into our marriage that I don't?

Again, you make your choices, and get what you choose.

What choices have I made? And what am I getting because of these choices?

You seem to be awfuly interested in my marriage and telling me about it. Seems something is lacking in yours and you compensate by trying to make you feel better about yours by knocking others.

[wardaddy]

LOL....at 45 ...day in day out....you might, unless you're an ubermensch in that department....and then if you ran outta gas you'd have to worry about "what is she doing while I'm at work"..

I swear to ya....an uninhibited and comfy gal can be a veritable maneater.

[RMDupree]

You're a very admirable man, wardaddy. Your family is lucky to have you!

[wardaddy]

Oh yes....we are definitely oversexualized....especially in the youth culture.

But, maybe you ought to try to relax a bit....I swear to you...honestly....men like sexy gals...it's human nature.

I just don't see the problem with that.

Sincere intent.