'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[malakhi]

As long as there is love, DFB, the relationship is worth saving.

And as long as there are minor children in the picture, it is worth the effort. Short of something serious like abuse, kids have a right to have both a mom and a dad. It is up to the parents to make it work.

[wordsofearnest]

Not to me, believe me. LMAOROTF

[malakhi]

You put it better than I did, well said.

[RMDupree]

It does help, JM.

When I talk to him about the band, he insists that eventually they will be playing gigs and making money bu tit hasn't happened yet.

If I ask that he practice every other weekend instead of every weekend, he accuses me of trying to take away the only hobby he has left to enjoy. And if they practice every other week, it will take much longer to get as good as they need to be in order to perform live.

Let me add this. When I met him, he was in a band. I was 17 and he was 21. No kids in the picture yet. So, of course, it was a lot of fun to participate in the gigs and go to the clubs and party. But after my first was born, I needed him to cut back for the sake of the family and that was met with resistance.

We split up for a bit and the band fell apart. When we started working things out again, another band was created. I respect the fact that he loves to play and he is darn good at it, but I put in many years with the headaches of him being in a band and I've had enough of it. I am now 30 years old.

I am willing for him to play as a hobby of course. I just dislike that it takes up a chunk of every weekend in which I stay home with the kids while he gets drunk with his buddies. He says I'm just jealous that he gets more free time than I do, but that I should just be happy for him and realize that "this is what happens when you have kids".

Seriesly. That's what he says!

[Aliska]

No it isn't really. I was into that for awhile after my divorce and I hated myself because it wasn't me.

When you dress and act sexy you attract the wrong kind of man. If you have to use that stuff to keep him, he isn't worth keeping.

[wardaddy]

Stay single, have fun, be responsible(with yer tadpoles) and respectful until you want a family.

Then marry a woman who wants EXACTLY the same things you want...and will appreciate it.

That is my advice....very subjective admittedly.

[Utilizer]

I'm grateful to you for sharing the other side of the story, Utilizer. I've had all night to sleep on it and finally spoke with my husband this morning. ...it's already had a bit of a bump when he suggested we get a sitter and go out... to his bowling league's banquet.

I sympathise, I really do, but I am afraid things are not going to change overnight. It will take time, and you both are going to be dissatisfied with something about it. It will probably never be perfect, because as time goes by not only do we change but our needs and expectations change. I am a far cry from that besotted dreamer of My youth, and the things that excited Me then are mere curiosities now. Not all, but quite a few.

Compromise will have to be the deciding factor. Decide which things are critical to the continuation of the relationship, and which are merely bothersome. Then realize that the reverse can be applied to you. If his bowling league's banquet is that important, perhaps your church group social is to you. Be flexible, however. Realize that you both have fundamentally different mindsets and inherant needs. Think of this snippet from the "100 things about guys women just don't understand" list:

"Sunday equals Sports. Live with it."

"If a guy is given the choice between shopping and a colonoscopy, he will need a quarter to flip to decide. Sometimes he will need several flips"

[malakhi]

He says I'm just jealous that he gets more free time than I do, but that I should just be happy for him and realize that "this is what happens when you have kids".

Unbelievable. Giving up the garage band and being a man "is what happens when you have kids" -- or it should.

[RMDupree]

Compromise will have to be the deciding factor.

I AGREE 100%!

[RMDupree]

You should have seen my face the first time he said that to me! LOL!

My response was nothing more than an astonished and unintelligible sputter!

He really believes that the kids are more my responsibility than his, but if I say that...WATCH OUT!

[Scothia]

I had to make the decision to stay. My two kids having a chance in life meant more to me than finding another woman, so I dropped back from a promising career in law, jumped into lesser pay with the family business, and semi retired to take care of my children without relying on some babysitter to teach them life values.

There are some absolutely amazing men here. May your children rise up and bless you. Has your wife ever recieved any treatment for her mental illness?

[wardaddy]

I guess my wife attracted the "wrong kind of man"..lol

I think very differently....as does my wife.

She revels in her sexuality and I love it and am grateful for it.

maybe it's a cultural thing, we're both old line Southern and down here most women really go for looking their best frequently and being well.....sexy gals.

It's a good thing to me. When we're both old and prunish at least we'll have the fond memories to keep some embers glowing.

Whatever works for you dear.

[wardaddy]

Thank You.

Actually I'm the lucky one. My wife is a great mom and wonderful wife....and 100X better looking than me...which does not hurt.

Women should never marry a man prettier than they are...lol

[wardaddy]

He was a large farmer in Mississippi.

Back in the 1800s, many women died in childbirth sadly and they of course had no real birth control and would not even fathom an abortion (Thank G-d) so they just dealt with it.

His last wife outlived him. His oldest daughter is still alive in her late 80s. I visited with her last summer. He was born in 1840. Odd isn't it?

[wardaddy]

Good for you....sounds like you made a good choice.

[NeoCaveman]

This is a Friday night thread......it just got a kick-start on Thursday.......lol

Friday threads rule.

[wardaddy]

I'll bump that.

I'll confess....the real sexual power/energy of a woman comfortble in her own skin scares even me a bit. It's like ...I'm glad women don't think like men. I wish after listening to some of the women on this thread complain that they could find that comfort.

I think all women have it in varying degrees unless there's some health or biological complication.

If all women acted like men and had that level of comfort in their sexuality.....we'd be a bunch of very tired men...lol.

[wardaddy]

I have a friend who's a urologist. He tells me that there are so many ways today to improve funtionability out there for everyone.

If folks care enough to be worried about it then they should look for help and try it.

My mother was old school, she always told me that a woman needed to keep her man (if he was a good man) happy.

My dad taught me to always to defer to women and that with sex (he was pretty private about that till he got close to dying)...anyhow...on sex...aside from the morality issues...he told me that sex was more about her than me...that for me it would be pretty much a done deal...lol....and that sex ain't "over" till she's happy.

Good advice from both of them...IMHO.

[muggs]

There is a claim that viagara also will increase bloodflow to a woman's sensitive areas...

So will L-Arginine, and it costs less.

[wardaddy]

Loud Applause!!!