Posted on 05/15/2003 12:50:59 PM PDT by WaveThatFlag
Edited on 04/22/2004 11:48:54 PM PDT by Jim Robinson. [history]
A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.
(Excerpt) Read more at online.wsj.com ...
The point is there are worse things than being pestered for sex when you're not interested. Such as, never being pestered for sex and realizing it's because he's no longer interested. They do get the message eventually.
No, I never had kids, but I have definitely been in the situation I just described. Rejection hurts just as bad when the shoe is on the other foot.
When I said "dying on the vine" I wasn't talking about celibacy.
My best friend at the time spoke up and said... "That ain't nothin, I use aluminum foil." Entire class, including the visiting instructor, went hysterical.
8^)
5.56mm
Beautiful children, RM!
I have two also, my son is five, and my daughter will be three in August. Having little children can certainly be exhausting! It does get easier as they get older.
That being said (and I offer the following as my not-so-humble-opinion), it sounds like your husband still wants to be a boy instead of a man. I know when my wife and I had our first child, it took me a while to adjust to the role. And my brother-in-law went through a similar thing. Having children changes the whole dynamic of the relationship. But he's got to step up to the plate as a husband and a father. I don't find your desire for help -- with the household and with the children -- unreasonable at all. Now, my wife stays at home, so she does do more of the laundry and cleaning. We also have a cleaning lady come in every other week to do give the house a thorough going-over (we had her come weekly when my daughter was younger). I help prepare meals, clean the kitchen, give the kids baths, and do the outside chores. Plus, I spend a lot of time playing with the kids on evenings and weekends, so she has a break. For the most part, my personal time comes after the kids are in bed (I went to the 10:00 p.m. showing of Matrix: Reloaded last night! ;o)
Your situation is a bit different, because you both work. Can you afford to have a cleaning person to help out every once and a while? With both of you working full time, it only seems fair that he more evenly split the household chores with you. I agree with an earlier poster about not worrying about the house getting messy. Its just not worth taking the time to try to keep it straightened -- that's time better spent relaxing, playing with the kids, or spending time with your husband. So let things go if you can (maybe keep one room neat and toy-free, as a sanctuary from the chaos!).
Where are the kids between the time your husband gets off of work, and the time you come home? I have to say it sounds odd to me that he'd be over at his mother's house every afternoon. If you are paying for child care during that time, you could save some money by having him care for them, and use it for a cleaning person. No reason dad can't help out here. I think a little personal time for each of you each week is good. But (IMNSHO, again) eight hours seems excessive -- three or four seems more reasonable. Do you get any similar free time for yourself?
It ain't easy when the kids are little. My wife and I are both stubborn and strong-minded, so we have our share of disagreements! I wish you well, and hope things improve for you.
But someone has to start somewhere.
Foreplay in Bakersfield: "Get off me pa! Yer crushin' my smokes!"
I mentioned going out on a date and this was his response.
My thanks. I was young, and madly in love. Perhaps too much so for each of us. I hurt about it for many years, and many more events happened between us after that that were not positive, because of our daughter. She (the mother) spent the better part of these last eighteen years hating Me and doing anything within her power to do Me harm -and I mean that physically (with assistance from new 'friends') as well as mentally. I have never hated her, however. I became angered over her antics on more than one occasion, but never for long. Recently, I underwent a major health crisis, to the point where I was hospitalized and was looking at approximately 48 hours to live. The mother found out about it and rushed over to the hospital to be with Me. We spent the next couple of hours just talking, and I even brought her to tears on a couple of occasions -not due to any accusations, but simply by telling her the truth, at one point admitting that no matter what she said or what she did, I would always love her.
We parted promising to keep in touch with important matters, and to attempt to persuade our daughter to think about talking with Me again. She has not wanted to have anything to do with Me for over four years now.
Still, I am hopeful. With all these fellows posting here about happy and lengthy marriages for their experiences, there must be at least one decent woman out there that I can meet.
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