'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[homeschool mama]

lol

I helped my hubby change the crankshaft something or another on his 89 Jeep Cherokee. Even got my hands dirty. :o)

[Nita Nupress]

To men intimacy means sex....women need to feel loved and cared about in a tender way

I think that is one of the major communication glitches we have in relationships.

Dang, how did I miss these comments? I just wasted 20 minutes repeating what you guys already said!

[SauronOfMordor]

I'm asking this question to you and to all the men. Why would you want a woman to "consent" to sex if she didn't really want to have sex with you? I don't understand that. I can't imagine getting aroused to have sex with someone I knew didn't want sex. What fun is that? To me a big part of the appeal of sex is the enthusiasm. If if "oh well I guess I'll do it to make you happy", what's the point?

There are fundamental differences between men and women with regards to sex, possibly having to do with the respective roles of emitter and receptor.

Most women seem to have a need for emotional "connection" in order to have enjoyable sex. A much smaller percentage of men have that need. For a large percentage of men, emotional connection is a bonus, but not a prerequisite, to enjoyable sex. For a large percentage of men, it is not necessary to be in love with a woman, or even particularly like her, in order to enjoy having sex with her

A clue that this is so is the fact that prostitution is a viable occupation for women, but you hardly ever hear of women hiring a guy for sex.

[homeschool mama]

I Cor 7:3-5 bump

btw...my father in law was a rocket scientist (in response to your tag line). :o)

[Nita Nupress]

For the husband to listen, really *listen* to the wife for at least 15 minutes a day.
For the wife to have sex with the husband at least once a week.
It seems pretty reasonable.

There's another good one.

[homeschool mama]

Total garbage. sheesh.

[kmiller1k]

ooo...I bet you are very popular with the ladies...do you ever get a second date?

[Nita Nupress]

As someone said earlier...sex is more important to the marriage than many of those self-imposed chores.

"Self-imposed?" Self-imposed by whom?

Are you still married? If so, who washes, drys, irons, and folds your clothes? Buys the groceries and then cooks for you? Vacuums? Dusts? Mops? Handles the kids? If your wife does any of that, do you "impose" her or does she "impose" herself?

[Capriole]

Ah, the mother martyr syndrome....Can be fatal to a marriage if you overrate your importance over your working husband. Hint: Sex is more important to your marriage than many self assigned house chores.

Looks like you missed the whole point of my post. My point was that women should cheerfully have sex with their husbands without making household chores (or anything else) an excuse. Sex is such an important part of most marriages that it should be a priority, right up there with paying the bills and way ahead of keeping the house clean.

And in this discussion I was not referring to what you characterize as "self-assigned house chores" but to the endless toil of taking care of a sick newborn and other children. These are not self-assigned and they have nothing to do with martyrdom but are necessary to the life and health of young children. I do hope you understand that there are times when a mother has a newborn and truly is exhausted, perhaps in pain because of surgery, wearied by the demands of nursing every few hours round the clock, and on those occasions she may well expect some extra help from her husband; if he refuses to help with their children, but contents himself with working eight hours while she works twenty, her anger may be appropriate. IN GENERAL, however, I am advocating a woman happily making love with her husband 365 nights a year; I advocate her respecting him, treating him with admiration, loyalty, and support, giving him whatever type of sex he wants that's not abusive, staying interested in him, staying slender and attractive for him, staying sweet, loving his male traits, and not griping about the fact that he's not a house-slave.

I like men just fine the way they are and don't think women should try to change a thing about 'em. Now, try to argue with that!

[petuniasevan]

PING!

[Phantom Lord]

I am not bringing my wife on my annual golf vacation with 20+ of my buddies. Sorry. Is NEVER going to happen.

[Born in a Rage]

I think that is one of the major communication glitches we have in relationships.

Yes. If a man is unable to show those feelings naturally towards his wife or honestly listen, care, help, be concerned about, talk respectfully to her....then maybe 'it's' not there and what is the point of buying a book anyway? Some guys are just selfish, insensitive clods --- and they want us to love them just they way they are. And if we can't there's going to be a problem - either sooner or later....at least that's the way I see it. Some of us women I guess just 'get used to' being treated like that. Believe me, in my marriage we have gone over the same issues over and over again for years, nothing changes.....it ain't easy that's for sure. Having sex with someone who you're not feeling all 'giddy' about is one thing; having sex with someone who you resent for things that have been said and done, that's another story, I would say it's almost humiliating, jmo.

[Born in a Rage]

Hi Nita!

[wardaddy]

sexless marriage?.....only if one of us is dead.

[RandallFlagg]

I'm in a sexless marriage. However, it's not a complaint. Reading to our Son, chatting with my Wife -who I turned into a Conservative-, having the freedom knowing we are our own people made for each other; each not wanting the other to change.

It's better than sex.

[wardaddy]

You sound like my wife...wonderful.

I'm sorry so many here have these complaints...shame...life's too short.

My life is work and family. I have no conception of all this singular time that so many go on about.

I do deer hunt some...but that only takes me away for 2 nights a year and next season my wife and children will come to camp as well since the youngest children will be more managable.

We know couples who basically live parallel lives interrupted with occasional copulation.

I lived a pretty large and varied life as a young man before I married my wife so I guess I got a lot of the "other stuff" out of my system.

Two deal killers:

Modern women who must compete with their man to validate themselves.

Men who take their women for granted.

Again your post was excellent. Are you latin or Southern or from a "Romance Language Nation"

Your tag got me.....foi has several meanings between Portugese and French (I speak Portugese) but "vainquera" stumped me...."faith will??"

[wardaddy]

There are two babies on yer page Walking Man....did ya'll adopt?

[wardaddy]

I beg to differ but women do most indeed on occasion go into "heat" and if they crave to get preggers you can bank on it that their ovulation hormones will set their mind in motion.

Also ironically, the most likely time they are to cheat.

[oprahstheantichrist]

For later.

[wardaddy]

I dunno.

Great consistent sex with someone you love is phenomenal....not much tops it in the pleasure and intimacy arena.

Now the love you feel from small children or the literally scary love and concern you feel from them is also a big good emtional high but of course quite different.

I love to feed our 6 month old about 11 at night and coo and play with him and then put him to bed and get on with the other wonderful part of having a family and a good marriage. Best of both worlds.