CLINTON'S MEMOIRS (first sentence a problem)

wackyzoo.com ^

[Liz]

William Jefferson Clinton will fetch a handsome $10 million plus to write his memoirs, but that's only if he completes the manuscript.

Already, we have inside information that he's struggling with the first sentence:

1st DRAFT: Once upon a time, on a girl called Hope ... (crumple, crumple)

2nd DRAFT: Once upon a time, in a town called Hope, I was looking for a place to dispose of Vince Foster's body when ... (crumple, crumple)

3rd DRAFT: Be honest. You know why you purchased this book. You want juicy details about the defining episode of my presidency. Well, you've come to the right place, because starting here, in Chapter One, I will reveal everything I know about my attempts to broker a lasting peace in Northern Ireland ... (crumple, crumple)

4th DRAFT: As I sit here in my Harlem office, smoking a fine cigar ... (crumple, crumple)

5th DRAFT: My close friend Lani Guinier ... (crumple, crumple)

6th DRAFT: My close friend George Stephanopoulos ... (crumple, crumple)

7th DRAFT: My close friend Webb Hubbell ... (crumple, crumple)

8th DRAFT: Are you an attractive female between the ages of 18 and 35 years old and looking to meet a well-connected gentleman friend? (crumple, crumple)

9th DRAFT: Monica. If you're reading this, please call. (crumple, crumple)

10th DRAFT: I still can't believe she kept the dress. (crumple, crumple)

11th DRAFT: Hey, Starr. How much did Knopf pay for your memoirs? In Your Face! (crumple, crumple)

12th DRAFT: Inhale? Shoot. I practically swallowed the whole bong. (crumple, crumple)

13th DRAFT: This is the story of great love affair between a dashing young president and his ruthlessly ambitious, withholding shrew of a wife. (crumple, crumple)

14th DRAFT: Ruth Bader Ginsberg makes me hot. (crumple, crumple)

15th DRAFT: It was a night to remember. Barbra Streisand was bouncing on the trampoline in the Lincoln Bedroom. Ted Kennedy was sprawled in the corner, drinking a 32-ounce Singapore Sling. I knew then we needed to bomb Iraq. (crumple, crumple)

16th DRAFT: I'm just going to dodge this draft. (crumple, crumple)

17th DRAFT: Economy good. The End. (crumple, crumple)

18th DRAFT: It's tough to write a memoir when you're not sure what the meaning of "was" was. (crumple, crumple)

19th DRAFT: Remember when I saved Haiti? Nobody ever talks about that. (crumple, crumple)

20th DRAFT: During the darkest days of my presidency, when my moral failings were exposed to the world, I sought spiritual counsel from the Rev. Jesse Jacks ... (crumple, crumple)

21st DRAFT: Pardon me for squandering my legacy. I pardoned everyone else. (crumple, crumple)

[A CA Guy]

I thought it would begin "I was born in a log cabin my mother built".

[Liz]

Clinton's birthplace, and he was conceived here, as well.