GIMME SHELTER: The Hilarious Human Shields

The Iconoclast ^ | March 1, 2003 | Linn Anderson

[clintonbaiter]

GIMME SHELTER
Baghdad's Hilarious Human Shields

by Lin Anderson, Iconoclast Contributing Editor



War is hell, William Tecumseh Sherman observed, and indeed it is. But the world will long remember that, in the days leading up to "Gulf War II: S'Long Saddam," there was occasion for the tremulous smile -- indeed, for the occasional coffee-spewing guffaw.

Just as Bob Hope's USO tours raised the spirits of U.S. troops during World War II, Korea, and Vietnam, so a group of equally zany entertainers have combined their considerable talents to lighten the mood in our own dangerous time of conflict.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Human Shields!

Readers who have not followed the perilous journey of the Shields to Baghdad are readers who have most certainly missed one of the most intriguing and occasionally laugh-out-loud sideshows of the present Middle Eastern standoff.

Readers who have been following the Shields know exactly what I mean.

Now, I must stress at the outset that I am no stranger to the humane motivations of the Shields. You'll not find a person who has tilted at more windmills than I have, and thus I think I clearly understand their Quixotic spirit.

It does help to point out, however, that there is a slim margin of difference between a windmill and an F-16, as any Dutch citizen who has ever strayed onto a bombing range can attest.

For those who missed the meeting, it is the Human Shields' desire -- through the method of positioning themselves at key sites in Iraq -- to somehow prevent said sites from being bombed because they, the human shields, are positioned there.

This does not, however, mean that they are actually prepared to die if someone in a B-1 should happen to target their position. "I have no intention of being a martyr," Roberta Taman of Canada told the Associated Press. "I'm here because I believe that the world wants peace and that we can achieve peace."

Confused? Wondering why Roberta's put herself in harm's way when she has no intention of, as they say in Canada, "Biting the Moose"? Here's a handy explanation of the way Roberta's mind is working here: Roberta would set up shop at, for example, an aspirin factory in Mosul which is considered to be a likely target of Allied action since it produces an over-the-counter medication called "Asthrax."

As a result -- in the alternate semi-demented dimension Roberta habituates -- the crew of a U.S. medium-range bomber, punching in the coordinates for its run, would suddenly find the aircraft's cabin bathed in eerie flashing red light, and a piercing alarm rending the air.

"Captain! Telemetry indicates Roberta Taman -- a fully-licensed Canadian citizen -- is on the ground at that location!"

"Roberta Taman??? For Godsake, Lieutenant! Abort the mission! Now!"

"Roger, Cap! Good Lord, what the hell were we thinking?"

Ideally, that's how this thing would work -- in Roberta's fantasies anyway.

Who are these Human Shields, you're probably now asking? What is their -- as the traitorous French would say-- raison d'etre? Well, one of them, 72-year-old Elaine Martinez of Chicago, provided what I found to be a most telling and endearing answer: "You'd be surprised," Mrs. Martinez told the London Telegraph, "how many members of our team are organic vegetable farmers."

Yeah. That's certainly a wild shocker, Elaine.

The most celebrated of all Shields are the extremely lively and press-friendly group first introduced to the world back in January, when a story out of London reported that about 50 activists would be leaving shortly on veddy British double-decker buses for Baghdad, with the aim of -- er, well, um, standing around, I guess, and by standing around thus preventing war. Or something.

The group first made headlines by dropping by Downing Street and delivering British Prime Minister Tony Blair -- who has quite enough headaches, thank you -- a list of Iraqi sites where members planned to, um, defiantly stand around in the event of war.

"Officially, it is now known that Tony Blair has been notified that UK and US citizens are going to be in harm's way and will be killed by our own governments if they go ahead with this war, as they appear determined to do," announced Ken O'Keefe, Head Shield.

That may come as news to Roberta. I hope she gets the memo.

Now this Ken's a regular piece of work, right off the top. A former U.S. Marine and a veteran of the (first) Gulf War, Ken now says joining the Corps was "a shamefully ignorant act," except he's probably not saying that while hanging out at bars with names like "Rocky's Place."

Ken -- whom I have no doubt could, and likely will, beat me like a rib steak if he ever gets ahold of this column -- has teardrop tattoos at the corner of his eyes and has renounced his U.S. citizenship, as you might imagine. Ken maintains that he is a "citizen of the world," and also of Hawaii, which he declares is a sovereign nation.

Overall, it's quite an experience being Ken.

So, anyway, on January 25th, Ken O'Keefe and his group of enthusiastic activists -- each of whom ponied up 300 pounds for the trip -- left London hell bent for glory on three chartered double-decker buses -- a black one, and two of the more traditional red variety. One of the vehicles was decorated with a picture of the Beatles, whose music I have a hunch is not exactly burning up the ol' Mother of All CD Players there at Saddam's house.

But as a handy metaphor, you can't beat "The Magical Mystery Tour"......................

[M-cubed]

My thoughts exactly...Sometimes you just gotta let them have their way!...Im headed to the local peace demonstration to offer free tickets to all those that really want to make a difference...

[swheats]

Reminds me of the kids game Red Rover. Someone gave them the wrong info on smart bombs.

[freedumb2003]

APPLICATION TO BE A HUMAN SHIELD

Name:_____________________________ (Scrawl 'X' if needed)

QUALIFICATIONS Circle appropriate answer:

1. Do you have a brain? Yes No
   If "Yes" please stop. You are not qualified for this position
2. Are you easily led by idiot whackos with no plan to speak of? Yes No
   If "No" please stop. You are not qualified for this position
3. Are you employed? Yes No
   If "Yes" explain on a separate sheet of paper why in the world you are filling out this application.

If you have filled all questions above completedly and have reached this point in the application, you are qualified. Congratulations and welcome to the group. Your name will be forwarded to the Darwin Society.

[Emeraldgold]

if he has and has renounced his U.S. citizenship does that mean we don't have to let him back into the country and that includes Hawaii? Maybe he can live in the people's utopia called North Korea.

[freedumb2003]

>>I thought at first, the tears referred to his "lost loves" back in jail... <<

The Q & A about tears wasn't generally correct. In most gangs they work one of two ways: 1 -- A certain number of "empty" tears are tattooded -- this represents the number of people you are supposed to kill to get full standing in the gang. Each murder is recorded by filling in a teardrop. 2; -- they represent the number of people killed or that the wearer has killed at least once (usually filled in).

The use of them as counting dead homies may be in some areas, but here in L.A. they would have hundreds of tears if that were the case.

[sweetliberty]

ROTFL! Thanks for the laugh. Things have been getting way too serious around here lately

Giggle ping.

[sweetliberty]

"You can send them an email, which they will post on the site, telling them exactly what you think of them."

Isn't that kinda like shooting fish in a barrel?

[lizm_77]

I'm hoping this movement will grow and attract some of America's outspoken celebrities, I really think they would make good human shields.

[BobbyDJ]

PLEASE stand your ground [in iraq] OR have you become PANTY SHEILDS ??? Bobbydj

[swheats]

Another funny one.

[2grit]

What a bunch of panty shields, uhh, pantywaists I mean.

[Itis?itis]

...72-year-old Elaine Martinez of Chicago, provided what I found to be a most telling and endearing answer: "You'd be surprised," Mrs. Martinez told the London Telegraph, "how many members of our team are organic vegetable farmers."

Perhaps Mrs. M is familiar with PETA campaign spokesman Bruce Friedrich and his group's recent notoriety for suggesting that college students drink beer instead of milk. I think it's high time for the animals to start their own sister organization AETP. These folks need their help.

[Trajan88]

I guess these turds think we're gonna play dodge ball like in 5th grade p.e.

Trajan88; TAMU Class of '88

[swheats]

You found your way around I see. Welcome to FR.

[swheats]

You have to see this one. Human shield Britons quit Baghdad

[Trajan88]

Thanks.

The truth is these Britts couldn't find their beloved fish and chips in Bagdaddy so they high-tailed it back to the UK.

Trajan88

[TigersEye]

You gotta read this. ; )

[.30Carbine]

Reality Television has nothing on FR.

[gortklattu]

APPLICATION TO BE A HUMAN SHIELD Name:_____________________________ (Scrawl 'X' if needed)

QUALIFICATIONS Circle appropriate answer:

Do you have a brain? Yes No
If "Yes" please stop. You are not qualified for this position
Do you think Al Gore should be our President?
Is Tom Daschle tall?
Are you easily led by idiot whackos with no plan to speak of? Yes No
If "No" please stop. You are not qualified for this position
Are you employed? Yes No
If "Yes" explain on a separate sheet of paper why in the world you are filling out this application. If you're a member of the ACLU or the DNC please state so.

If you have filled all questions above completedly and have reached this point in the application, you are qualified. Congratulations and welcome to the group. Your name will be forwarded to the Darwin Society.