Baghdad's Hilarious Human Shields
by Lin Anderson, Iconoclast Contributing Editor
War is hell, William Tecumseh Sherman observed, and indeed it is. But the world will long remember that, in the days leading up to "Gulf War II: S'Long Saddam," there was occasion for the tremulous smile -- indeed, for the occasional coffee-spewing guffaw.
Just as Bob Hope's USO tours raised the spirits of U.S. troops during World War II, Korea, and Vietnam, so a group of equally zany entertainers have combined their considerable talents to lighten the mood in our own dangerous time of conflict.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Human Shields!
Readers who have not followed the perilous journey of the Shields to Baghdad are readers who have most certainly missed one of the most intriguing and occasionally laugh-out-loud sideshows of the present Middle Eastern standoff.
Readers who have been following the Shields know exactly what I mean.
Now, I must stress at the outset that I am no stranger to the humane motivations of the Shields. You'll not find a person who has tilted at more windmills than I have, and thus I think I clearly understand their Quixotic spirit.
It does help to point out, however, that there is a slim margin of difference between a windmill and an F-16, as any Dutch citizen who has ever strayed onto a bombing range can attest.
For those who missed the meeting, it is the Human Shields' desire -- through the method of positioning themselves at key sites in Iraq -- to somehow prevent said sites from being bombed because they, the human shields, are positioned there.
This does not, however, mean that they are actually prepared to die if someone in a B-1 should happen to target their position. "I have no intention of being a martyr," Roberta Taman of Canada told the Associated Press. "I'm here because I believe that the world wants peace and that we can achieve peace."
Confused? Wondering why Roberta's put herself in harm's way when she has no intention of, as they say in Canada, "Biting the Moose"? Here's a handy explanation of the way Roberta's mind is working here: Roberta would set up shop at, for example, an aspirin factory in Mosul which is considered to be a likely target of Allied action since it produces an over-the-counter medication called "Asthrax."
As a result -- in the alternate semi-demented dimension Roberta habituates -- the crew of a U.S. medium-range bomber, punching in the coordinates for its run, would suddenly find the aircraft's cabin bathed in eerie flashing red light, and a piercing alarm rending the air.
"Captain! Telemetry indicates Roberta Taman -- a fully-licensed Canadian citizen -- is on the ground at that location!"
"Roberta Taman??? For Godsake, Lieutenant! Abort the mission! Now!"
"Roger, Cap! Good Lord, what the hell were we thinking?"
Ideally, that's how this thing would work -- in Roberta's fantasies anyway.
Who are these Human Shields, you're probably now asking? What is their -- as the traitorous French would say-- raison d'etre? Well, one of them, 72-year-old Elaine Martinez of Chicago, provided what I found to be a most telling and endearing answer: "You'd be surprised," Mrs. Martinez told the London Telegraph, "how many members of our team are organic vegetable farmers."
Yeah. That's certainly a wild shocker, Elaine.
The most celebrated of all Shields are the extremely lively and press-friendly group first introduced to the world back in January, when a story out of London reported that about 50 activists would be leaving shortly on veddy British double-decker buses for Baghdad, with the aim of -- er, well, um, standing around, I guess, and by standing around thus preventing war. Or something.
The group first made headlines by dropping by Downing Street and delivering British Prime Minister Tony Blair -- who has quite enough headaches, thank you -- a list of Iraqi sites where members planned to, um, defiantly stand around in the event of war.
"Officially, it is now known that Tony Blair has been notified that UK and US citizens are going to be in harm's way and will be killed by our own governments if they go ahead with this war, as they appear determined to do," announced Ken O'Keefe, Head Shield.
That may come as news to Roberta. I hope she gets the memo.
Now this Ken's a regular piece of work, right off the top. A former U.S. Marine and a veteran of the (first) Gulf War, Ken now says joining the Corps was "a shamefully ignorant act," except he's probably not saying that while hanging out at bars with names like "Rocky's Place."
Ken -- whom I have no doubt could, and likely will, beat me like a rib steak if he ever gets ahold of this column -- has teardrop tattoos at the corner of his eyes and has renounced his U.S. citizenship, as you might imagine. Ken maintains that he is a "citizen of the world," and also of Hawaii, which he declares is a sovereign nation.
Overall, it's quite an experience being Ken.
So, anyway, on January 25th, Ken O'Keefe and his group of enthusiastic activists -- each of whom ponied up 300 pounds for the trip -- left London hell bent for glory on three chartered double-decker buses -- a black one, and two of the more traditional red variety. One of the vehicles was decorated with a picture of the Beatles, whose music I have a hunch is not exactly burning up the ol' Mother of All CD Players there at Saddam's house.
But as a handy metaphor, you can't beat "The Magical Mystery Tour"......................
