Mordor War Protests (Humor)

MINAS TIRITH (Gondor News Network) - Thousands of peace activists took to the streets of Minas Tirith and other cities of Middle Earth today to protest what they termed a rush to war with Mordor.

"We need more time for diplomacy," said a key member of the Middle-Earth Security Council, Saruman the White. "I am not convinced by the evidence presented by my esteemed colleague, Gandalf the Grey, or that the Dark Lord Sauron presents an imminent danger to the peoples of the West."

Many of the people protesting war in Mordor agreed with Saruman's remarks. "Sauron says he's destroyed his Rings of Mass Destruction (RMD) and that's good enough for me," said one fellow carrying a sign that said "Elrond is a Balrog." Another demonstrator urged, "Give the RMD inspectors more time. There's no reason to rush to any judgment just because Mount Doom is belching lava, the Dark Tower is rebuilt, and Osgiliath has been decimated." A third protester piped up, "I haven't heard a single bit of convincing evidence connecting the Nazgul with Sauron. I think they destroyed Osgiliath on their own initiative without any support from Sauron. Besides, it's understandable they're angry with Gondor. We haven't done nearly as much for the Orcs and Goblins and Easterlings as the Nazgul and Sauron have. It's understandable they throw their support to them. It's our own fault really."

As the protesters continued their march through the city, they chanted, "No blood for Mount Doom," voicing a common sentiment that the leaders of the Western peoples are really seeking to get their hands on the powerful Mount Doom, where the One Ring of Power was allegedly forged.

Gandalf the Grey was unavailable for comment. A spokesman said he was in an undisclosed underground location, which sources have revealed is codenamed "Moria."

Dont forget this one from a post several months ago:

Frodo Baggins Charged With War Crimes

Frodo Baggins of Bagshot Row, Hobbiton, The Shire, Middle Earth, has been called before the International Criminal Court to answer charges of war crimes brought by Sauron the Dark Lord and Saruman the White in a joint filing.
Baggins refused comment on the matter from his home at Bag End, simply moaning and holding his head. But his former valet and gardener (now mayor of Hobbiton) Samwise Gamgee spoke with reporters from his "bit of garden," saying that "you people ought to know better, coming here bothering my master and trampling my taters and all. This is just about the dumbest thing I've heard of since Master Merry and Master Pippin started up that Broadway show of theirs."
The charges brought by Sauron and Saruman are serious and were commented on at length by the Dark Lord himself at a press conference held after he delivered the formal papers to the Court. As a full signatory to the Court's original charter, Sauron is legally entitled to bring charges before the Court, and the Court's decision will be binding on Mr. Baggins, per the charter establishing the authority of the Court over the entire world, whether the particular defendant lives in a member country or not.
The Shire has repeatedly refused to ratify a proposal to join the Court; the proposal has languished in the legislature, bogged down by stalling tactics employed by right-wing and unilateralist legislators intent on blocking it. Gondor and Rohan have likewise not joined the ICC, for similar obstructionist reasons.
"Mr.Baggins is guilty of some of the most egregious violations of International Law as expressed in the Court's founding documents and must be brought to answer for his inhumane actions," Sauron said from the cardboard box behind the Emyn Muil 7-11 he's been living in since the scandalous and irresponsible destruction of Sauron's Ruling Ring brought about the downfall of his Empire several years ago.
"He's obviously guilty of violating several provisions of Article 8, Section 2, especially the 'outrage against personal dignity' clause and the 'excessive incidental death, injury or damage' clause. When the armies of the Western Alliance marched up to the Black Gate, they were guilty of making illegal aggressive war against a sovereign nation. Our legal team plans to bring separate suits against Aragorn son of Arathorn, the Elfstone King Elessar of Gondor. Also King Eomer of the Riddermark and Elrond Halfelven of Rivendell. But we chose to pursue the suit against Baggins first, since his was the most damaging and egregious crime."
Saruman had his own comments on the charges. "The swaggering little cock-a-whoops cast me out, forcing me to live as a beggar wandering through the wilderness of Middle Earth. They brought their own house to ruin when they destroyed mine, and someone has to pay for it," said Saruman, formerly known for his sartorial finesse but now dressed only in torn, filthy rags. Saruman is demanding the right of return to his former home at Orthanc in Isengard, which has been occupied since the so-called "War of the Ring" by Ents, Elves, and other folk.
Both Sauron and Saruman claim that their persecution by Baggins and the Lords of the West is based on their religious beliefs, also clearly in violation of Article 8. With the wanton destruction of the One Ring, Baggins also directly and callously murdered every one of the high priests of the Dark Lord's religious order, known collectively as the Nazgul.
Saruman said that the destruction of the pits and forges of Isengard, where he had genetically-engineered his Fighting Uruk-Hai breed of half-orcs, half-men, was done in blatant disregard for the religious rights of an indigenous people.
"All my Uruks wanted was the basic human right to practice their religion and to live with their neighbors in peace," said Saruman. "But they were forcibly removed from their homes and slaughtered like cattle by the Riders of Rohan. It was, well, completely inhuman." Saruman then broke down in a touching display of emotion and was tended to by his servant Wormtongue. He refused any further comment.

(apologies to the author for the editing)

The Very Secret Diary of Sauron
By: Cassandra Claire
Dedicated to John, the sweetest loveliest guy who was ever hacked by a complete loser. And Alex, because he’s been sick. I mean ill. Oh, whatever.

Day One:

Dirty weekend with Elrond turned sour when I told him purple was not his color.

Day Five

Have been marched against by last alliance of men and nancing elves. Is transparent attempt by Elrond to get back at me for comment about purple. I will not take it back! I told him purple made him look like an eggplant, and it does. Is no need for him to get so shirty about it.

Day Six

Is not that being defeated by last alliance is so bad, is not even that being reduced to a disembodied eyeball is so bad, although Visine would be a comfort. But whose bright idea was it to slice onions in here?

-later-

Blast those orcs and their fondness for onion dip. Have taken their disco ball away. God, it's fun to be evil.

Day Three Million Five:

Am bored. Have been waiting for Middle-Earthlink guy to come and install DSL in Barad-Dur since second-age. Will use palantir as alternative to personal ads, as am lonely.

Day Three Million Seven:

I spy with my big-huge-nasty-flaming eye...something resembling a novelty dashboard ornament. Witch King of Angmar tells me it's a hobbit. Is rather cute. On the smallish side, but I'm hardly one to talk appearances these days.

Day Three Million Nine:

ARGH! That tiny bloke has MY RING!

later..

Have sent the nine to fetch ring back. If nine succeeds in sorting their elbows from asshats, that is.

Day Three Million Eleven:

Have met v. nice bloke over the palantir. An older gent, seems to have copied hairstyle from Galadriel, but no matter. He likes me for me. Finally someone to see past the eyeball. Will send him packet of glittery barrettes.

Day Three Million Thirteen:

Tried to ask Saruman over for dinner, but lost nerve at last moment and said some idiotic thing about building an army instead. Is somewhat amusing watching him play violin for orcs and goblin men in attempt to spark romance, so will not clear up confusion just yet.

Day Three Million Sixteen:

Wonder if Saruman becoming somewhat deaf? Told him I was hoping we could delineate boundaries of relationship, instead he defoliated Isengard.

Day Three Million Twenty:

Some bearded tart with pointy hat trying to horn in on my action. Hmmm. Ex-boyfriend?

Think Saruman may have put him in guest bedroom. Will have to ask S. to clarify.

Day Three Million Twenty-One:

Elrond having another of his disastrous parties. Why was not invited? Just because have no body and cannot play twister with Legolas is no reason to snub me.

Day Three Million Twenty-Two:

Have been watching Fellowship through palantir. Ringbearer really v. pretty, I must admit, with big soulful eyes and little hairy feet. What I wouldn't give for a body and a shower-cap right now. Although bath-obsessed hobbit companion would probably kill me if I tried anything.

Day Three Million Twenty-Three:

Bored bored bored, so caught up on palantir-watching today. Lovely place, Moria, used to vacation there. Pointy-hatted ex-bf seemed nervous; sent word to Bob to keep an eye out. I mean a look out. I mean... oh bugger.

Day Three Million Twenty-Four:

No word back from Bob. Suspect he is moping. Never could sort out his love life. Always whining and writing in his journal. Bloody sensitive demon types, no use at all.

Day Three Million Twenty-Five:

Pointy hatted ex fell into shadow. Down with the competition! Ringbearer moping. Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn might like to have a go at cheering him up. Apparently something of a pervy hobbit-fancier. So that’s why the blood of Numenor died out.

Day Three Million Twenty-Six:

Fellowship in Lothlorien. Oh god, Galadriel Galadriel Galadriel. It's always about HER. Paint my toenails, Sauron. Don't touch my hair, Sauron. I want a pretty ring, Sauron. Then she goes off with slabbish oaf Celeborn. Bet HE cannot forge twenty rings of Power.

Suspect bitch-slap fight brewing between Galadriel and Legolas as to which of them can nance around better while holding water pitcher. Cannot help but roll my eye over this. Time to toss some Jiffy Pop into Mount Doom and watch the fireworks.

later

Well, would you look at that dwarf getting it on with Celeborn. I tell you, three Million years on Middle-Earth and some things still surprise me.

Day Three Million Twenty-Nine:

Finally some decent fighting. Orcs killed : four hundred, v. bad. Humans killed : one. Go Uruk-Hai!

Is it just me, or is Aragorn son of Arathorn kinda gay?

Maybe is just me.

Just got a reply from someone about the Rings of Mass Destruction story that has been going around. Anyway Her comment was simply "If you remember, Sauron struck first."

That's her big beef.

My thoughts were "who's she trying to kid! The Ents took out Saruman while he was trying to build up his army, as well as Cyrano informing me (I haven't read the book, shame on me) about Gandalf and other wizards taking out the Necromancer who turned out to be the weakened, but strengthening, Sauron.

This is a quote I got from him today in email which gave me goosebumps:

You can only say Sauron attacked first by first drawing a line to indicate where the "start" of the war was. That's always the problem with wars, even big ones (the start of WWII is variously given as the Japanese invasion of Manchuria in the 1930s, the German invasion of Poland in 1939, or any number of less popular possibilities along a several-year span). You've mentioned a couple of possibilities for that line that wouldn't allow Sauron the first strike. The whole thing revolves around getting or preventing control of the Ring; the quest of the fellowship is in essence a pre-emptive strike.
If you read the books, the Hobbit speaks of the Necromancer and of Gandalf and the wizards driving him (or a similar evil guy; I'm fuzzy right now) out of Mirkwood. I believe he turns out to be the weakened (but strengthening) Sauron. Another pre-emptive strike.
Of course, it all boils down to Tolkien admitting that there are good and there are evil and beings of perception can tell the difference *and will call it so*. And having identified the evil, the duty of the good is to fight it; he spends much time on the dangers of complacency and the subtleties of the encroachment of evil.
Critiques of the parallel can certainly be made (and it's easy to extend it further than I'd want to), but they should be accurate, not simplistic and historically naive. (-- Cyrano)

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