Posted on 02/07/2003 5:52:09 PM PST by davetex
PARIS - France held secret military exercises in order to better prepare for an eventual surrender should they ever be attacked, say officials in the government.
The training exercises, which began within days after the September 11 terrorist attacks in America, focused on a coordinated effort between the French government and the military in case they are confronted by the slightest act of aggression by a foreign country.
"The policy of of an immediate and unconditional surrender is not left up to chance as many would believe," says Jean-Pierre Le Carche, deputy assistant to the French U.N Envoy. "Every aspect is methodically planned so as not to disrupt the wonderful French way of life."
The first step, according to Le Carche, is "to apologize profusely to the angry country and then act like we didn't know anyone was mad at us. We say things like 'who us? What? We didn't do anything wrong. We're on your side.'"
If the aggression continues, the government is instructed to immediately blame another country or a minority for the hatred they have brought upon the true French people.
"Most likely we would blame everything on either the United States, the Jews or both. Preferably both. Then we begin deporting people. Of course, who will be deported depends on the country asking. If it's the Jews, that's easy. We just hand them a list of addresses."
The third measure is invoked only if previous efforts have failed to produced results.
"Our troops are told to immediately lay on the ground like sheep. This momentarily confuses the enemy while our leaders quickly flee to Switzerland."
According to former French General Luc-Paul Didier, France has learned from its mistakes of the past, particularly during the German invasion of World War II.
"We got it all screwed up in those other wars by laying down like sheep first and then deporting people second," Didier said. "If we would have just planned a little better, we might have actually shared a beer with the German troops instead of prostituting our wives for a warm baguette.
That's so true. Last time they left it to chance, some Frenchmen didn't get the word and set up an underground resistance movement. Can't have that happening again.
His official name is now Sir Render.
French PM: "It's Great to Be Collaborating with Germany Again!"
Paris - French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac, in honor of France's agreement with Germany to undermine America's efforts in the War on Terror, took German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder on a tour of sites in the French capital city that were visited by another German Chancellor, Adolf Hitler, during his famous Victory Tour of 1940.
"It's so nice to be collaborating with the Germans again," said Chirac during a press conference at the Versailles Palace outside of Paris. "I mean, it's not like there was any real resistance movement when Germany ruled us during World War II. And those black leather coats the Gestapo men wore. Simply to die for."
Most French citizens this reporter spoke with expressed their delight at being able to collaborate once again with the Germans. A recent poll conducted by the newspaper Le Figaro showed that 95.6% of all French people are hoping to be re-occupied by Germany within the next 12 months. The poll results also reveal that the vast majority of French women are especially looking forward to becoming the mistresses of German officers so that they can have sado-masochistic sex in exchange for silk stockings and extra rations.
"Damn those Americans anyway," said Chirac during a visit with Schroeder to the Klaus Barbie L'Ecole Superieure du Behaviour Criminale. "Everthing was going along just fine in 1944 and what did they go and do? Land at Normandy. Just like the Yanks, always butting their noses into other people's business. Well, we aren't going to take it lying down any more. This time we're going to surrender to Germany before the Germans have a chance to invade."
The Official Mint of France has created commemorative
statues of French surrenders throughout history.
Oh -- and one more step: once they've got the money, kick the American bastards out.
Here's an example of the correct uniform. (Note the kneeling posture):
Maybe they couldn't find a miniature of any French soldier after the Napoleonic era (plenty of those though).
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