NEW AOL CHIEF OFFERED 1,000,000,000,000 HOURS FREE

Borowitz Report ^ | Jan 18, 2003 | Andy Borowitz

[Leroy S. Mort]

Millions of AOL 8.0 Disks Dumped On Parsons' House

Richard Parsons accepted the chairmanship of media giant AOL/Time Warner after the company offered him one trillion hours of free Internet access, Mr. Parsons revealed today.

Mr. Parsons first received word of the offer on Tuesday, the day after former Chairman Steve Case called it quits, when he noticed "it was raining AOL 8.0 disks outside my house."

Running outside, Mr. Parsons saw that an AOL company helicopter was dumping "literally millions" of free Internet access disks onto his property.

"Once I collected the disks, I found that they added up to one trillion hours of free Internet access," Mr. Parsons said today.

"Once you toss in the hundred thousand email accounts for my family and friends that AOL was offering, it was just too sweet a deal to pass up," Mr. Parsons added.

Mr. Parson's compensation package, which also includes free AOL broadband service, has no provision for salary, bonuses, or stock options -- just free Internet access.

"Mr. Parsons is the first chairman of a media company to be paid entirely in free Internet disks," said Jake Calvert, a media analyst at Credit Suisse First Boston. "On the plus side, those disks are at least worth something, which is more than you can say about AOL stock options."

While Mr. Parsons pronounced himself "delighted" with his overall compensation, he expressed minor disappointment with one aspect of the package: the free AOL broadband service.

"Once I hooked up the modem, a message on the screen said that the service wasn't available in my area," Mr. Parsons said.

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[stlrocket]

One guy had collected over 17 million of the discs!

AOL - THE INTERNET ON TRAINING WHEELS!

[Paleo Conservative]

That's 114,077,116 years.

[Puddleglum]

LOL! My first good laugh of the day. Love that last line. Thanks!

[MeneMeneTekelUpharsin]

ROFL bump.

[freekitty]

Yeah, right.

[Focault's Pendulum]

[bert]

....NEW AOL CHIEF OFFERED 1,000,000,000,000 HOURS FREE ....

I hope he didn't take the job before he read the fine print on the back of the contract that said the hours had to be used within 30 days.

[SamAdams76]

Hopefully he plans on staying awhile. Should he ever move on to a different company, it's going to be a real bitch trying to cancel all those "free" accounts.