Wire Tapping Expanded; Half the Constitution Missing

WASHINGTON, D.C.- On Monday a Federal Appeals Court expanded the government's ability to build criminal cases based on secret evidence. This means the FBI and CIA can now use intrusive surveillance, unrestricted wiretapping, and secret search warrants on anyone for any reason- as long as they double-dog promise to use their new powers only in the pursuit of terrorism.

Civil Libertarians immediately took issue with the decision, calling into question the government's motives. However, such accusations are nonsense according to Attorney General John Ashcroft. "We cannot infringe on civil liberties Americans no longer have." Sure enough, a quick peek at the official draft of the Constitution in the national archive shows that Ashcroft is right: the personal rights Americans are so keen to defend never actually existed.

The famous Fifth Amendment, which as Ashcroft points out is only used by obviously guilty people, simply isn't there. The Bill of Rights goes directly from Amendment Three to Amendment Six with no stops in between.

The ones left over bare very little resemblance to the copy most Americans studied in school. The First Amendment, for example, seems to have a bit added to the end.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances without a really, really good reason.

Needless to say, Constitutional "scholars" are quite bemused by the revelation.

The ACLU mounted a legal action to protest the stealth Constitutional changes, but they had no legal ground on which to stand since they laws they would use in their argument no longer exist (if they ever did). In fact, the whole point of their organization immediately became moot and members reluctantly vacated their Washington offices.

For Ashcroft, the expanded power comes none too soon. "If anything, we allowed 9/11 to slip through are meaty fingers not due to endemic institutional incompetence but because we cared too much about civil liberties."

The Attorney General said that 9/11 was a wake-up call for the intelligence and law enforcement communities. Ashcroft later made it clear that when he said "wake-up call" he did not mean it in the critical "we need to do a better job" sense, but more in the "our namby-pamby Constitution-hugging days are over" sense.

The word choice error was by no means trivial. Under our current Constitution, criticizing the government could land someone in serious trouble. Aides say that Ashcroft is currently considering jailing himself for a short time to set an example.

WASHINGTON, D.C- After much talk on Capitol Hill about consolidating America's investigative agencies to better fight terrorism, the White House has offered up a new plan, one which administration officials believe will satisfy the public's call for stronger anti-terror efforts as well as the desire among existing intelligence agencies to be left alone.

The new organization, known as Federal Central Bureau of Intelligence Agencies, will oversee that day-to-day operations of the CIA, ATF, FBI, as well as several state and municipal organizations. Instead of providing strategic direction, logistical assistance or bothersome guidance, the FCBIA will busy itself with making sure its subordinate agencies are doing all they can to fight terrorism. For example, FCBIA agents will perform in-depth undercover missions, posing as FBI agents or CIA operatives and staking out their co-workers cubicles.

FBI Director Robert Mueller welcomes the move, saying that the additional agency comes not a moment too soon. "What America needs right now is more second-guessing at the highest levels of our intelligence organizations," he said. "We simply lack the kind of Byzantine bureaucracy necessary to fight global terror. Turf battles among agencies, nit-picky middle-management, and mountains of additional paperwork, these are the tools of effective law enforcement."

Some agents have not been quite as positive about the plan. "Anyone here would tell you that adding more management overhead is an utterly stupid thing to do," said Special Agent Drake Hollings. A moment later, after glancing at the surveillance camera trained on his face, he continued. "Actually, now that I've looked into it more, I think it's a great idea. America will be much...safer with the FCBIA on the case."

Rumors abound in Washington that another, even larger, spy agency will form later this year for the expressed purpose of spying on the FCBIA. Intelligence officials refused to confirm or deny the rumors at a recent press conference, coughing loudly and pointing to a small black dot in a nearby pot of pansies.

GW's directions to all cabinet members.......

Keep your:
Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.

That seems to be an impossible position to work from !

Joking aside GW and his crew I'm sure have all the best intentions but IMHO they can't see the light at the end of the tunnel . Such laws in the hands of law abidding honorable men who will not abuse it's powers is fine, great awesome per se......

Those same fine leaders have to understand that they lay a precident for future socialist demonrats types to tear this country down for the very last time to the level of anarchy and sedition that they have so long pursued. as we have seen with such as the recent Clintonista era .

I feel personally that if such spur of the moment laws to get the job done are not thought out with such in mind then they only aid the same bad folks they seek to bring to justice.

Stay Safe !

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

>>Tuesday November 19, 2002

Wire Tapping Expanded; Half the Constitution Missing