Assault Minivan Bill Proposed

10/15/2002 | youaculpa

[youaculpa]

First off, I'm by no means making light of the situation in DC, Maryland, and Virginia. But, If it turns out that the sniper utilized a minivan I want stringent minivan controls implemented and complete bans on certain assault models.

In the assault minivan control bill I want:

* All assault minivan gas tanks must be limited to 10 gallons thus limiting the operating area of a sniper. Any amount more is limited to police duty.

* Mandatory governor must be installed on all minivan accelerators limited top speed to 35 miles an hour. Higher speeds are considered excessive and no one in today's civilized society need to go any faster. Higher speeds merely facilitate the ability to outrun police.

* No "high performance" tread tires on any assault minivan will be available to the general public. "High performance" tires merely facilitate increased handling in all weather giving an unfair advantage to criminals en flight from the police and must be limited to police duty only.

* Tinted windows must be banned because it helps obfuscate the identify of those inside. No implementation of tinted windows is legal outside of police duty.

* Automatic Assault Minivans will be strictly prohibited. An automatic transmissions makes it far too easy for virtually anyone, even children under 25 years of age to operate an assault minivan. Prohibited outside of law enforcement duty.

* Close the car show loophole. Unbelievably anyone can go to a cars how and leave with an assault minivan. No criminal background check is required. An internet connection and a few dollars and an assault minivan can be purchased on-line and delivered to your door in an hour. ie http://www.autotrader.com

* Enact federal licensing and registration of assault minivan dealers. Hard to believe that in today's day and age, assault minivan dealers are everywhere. Virtually every town has a dealer who does not have to be licensed by any state, federal, or local authorities to sell these instruments of destruction.

* Assault minivans with an exhaust volume of under a yet to be determined decibel level will be deemed unfit for civilian use and restricted to police duty.

* Mandatory steering wheel locks. Studies indicate that steering wheel locks make a stolen assault minivan nearly useless.

* Black and dark green minivans will be restricted to police and military duty.

Here in the United States we're steeped deeply in a minivan culture of death. So deep that millions of soccer moms drive assault minivans and don't even know that they're putting so many at risk. That's why I propose millions of dollars to be spent on assault minivan education. Primarily it'll be spent on teaching grade school children to report to an adult if they find an assault minivan - not to touch it but to tell a teacher, parent, or police officer.

All tests indicate that assault minivans defeat police body armor. There were exactly zero deaths caused by minivans before 1980 but after Dodge introduced them in the 1980s deaths attributed to minivans skyrocketed and they've been used in countless crimes ever since.

Minivan Control Inc. studies indicate that if you have a minivan at home, you or a member of your family are nine times more likely to be injured or killed in it than in another vehicle.

In short, there's no room for assault minivans in a civilized society.

[BlessingInDisguise]

Banning assault minivans addresses the fundamental right of all Americans to feel safe! No one NEEDS an assault minivan. The only use they have is to kill people! Ban them all!

[OKSooner]

Yes, and ban Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) while we're at it!

[Uncle George]

And a rider to the Minivan bill: All minivans will be "TIRE PRINTED" upon initial sale in all fifty states.

[Jumpmaster]

...and a three day waiting period between hitting the ignition and actually starting.

[blackdog]

I am greatly relieved that in no way do these killings indicate any hate crimes. I just couldn't cope with the thought of that. I am really glad to see the shooter is following EEOC laws. I want to commend him/her/trangendered for their careful selection process. Maybe when he gets out of jail he can become chief of security at the United Nations?

[tacticalogic]

All minivans used by snipers shall have the word "SNIPER" painted in big letters on the sides and top of the vehicle.

[blackdog]

As long as he was wearing his seatbelt and not using his cell phone while driving or sniping, I say we should cut him some slack on the mini-van. He may have kids in a subsidized daycare and needs the extra seating to keep his kids in the ones away from his guns. Now if he is not using trigger locks I say take away the mini-van priveleges.

[Chemist_Geek]

Persons should not be allowed to buy more than one minivan per year. What possible use could one have for so many of these dangerous weapons?

[facedown]

Banning assault minivans ...

Yes, but when they take away our minivans, only criminals will have minivans.

[blackdog]

Sniper parking can be right next to the handicapped parking so we can keep a close eye on them. Oh yeah, one more thing....Due to the critical task at hand while sniping, much like piloting a plane or operating a train, legislation is needed to lower the legal blood alchohol limit while sniping to .05ml/l. States who refuse to comply will not get funding for the sniper parking, paint jobs, or trigger locks.

[blackdog]

Muslems should at least have large warning labels on front and back warning you to stay at least 500' away in case they go off. The labels should be blaze orange, Spanish and English, and in braile for the sight impared.

[Slyfox]

My assault vehicle of choice...

[Fiddlstix]

In short, there's no room for assault minivans in a civilized society

ROFLMAO!
Good Point!

[tracer]

The newly-regulated vehicles should only contain seating for one and windows which cannot be lowered....

[SteveH]

We need reasonable, sensible minivan control now! Congress has for too long been held under the sway of the strong and well-funded motor vehicle manufacturer lobby and its extremist allies, the so-called "minivan rights" groups. There is no reason for minivans to be over 20' in length, such as the popular but notoriously dangerous Grand Caravan and its clones; these minivans can be used for long distance terrorism and potentially carrying large numbers of snipers! We should also work together towards banning the importation of small, easy to manuever imported minivans, such as the Honda Odyssey, since these models can easily be used to create havoc within our cities and suburbs while under the control of a potential criminal bent on murder and destruction. After registering such existing minivans, we can make our communities safer by providing for a brief registration window after which it shall be illegal to transfer or inherit such deadly weapons. The background check (in Phase II) will ensure that such minivans will only be driven by those who are not hardened criminals; anyone with felonies, misdemeanor convictions or fines for moving infractions shall be prohibited by law from owning the vehicles along with their families and/or co-inhabitants living at the same address. There also needs to be more funding for so-called intelligent minivan driver-recognition ignition: adapt currently existing the palm-print recognition technology to make minivans safer by adding the feature that the minivan can be started and driven only by the minivan owner.

We need reasonable, sensible minivan control now!

[SunnyUsa]

"Close the car show loophole. Unbelievably anyone can go to a cars how and leave with an assault minivan. No criminal background check is required. An internet connection and a few dollars and an assault minivan can be purchased on-line and delivered to your door in an hour. ie http://www.autotrader.com

ROFL!!! You nailed it - good job!

[Vic3O3]

ROTFL!

[EGPWS]

Here in the United States we're steeped deeply in a minivan culture of death. So deep that millions of soccer moms drive assault minivans and don't even know that they're putting so many at risk.

Ban soccer mom's. In this way we can rid ourselves of the deadly influences of the minivan. Then sue the evil manufacturer's of this inhumane thing. In this way we can cut costs to the government and show improvement in government spending and increase taxes to pay for more important vote getting bills.