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U.S. Fast Food Chains Agree to Cheese Limits
The Onion ^ | 9/3/2002 | staff writer

Posted on 09/04/2002 10:37:33 AM PDT by WindMinstrel

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 VOLUME 38 ISSUE 32  AMERICA'S FINEST NEWS SOURCE 4 SEPTEMBER 2002

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NATION


U.S. Fast-Food Chains Agree To Voluntary Cheese Limits

OAK PARK, IL—Fearful of the prospect of class-action lawsuits, seven of the nation's largest fast-food chains voluntarily agreed Monday to place cheese limits on their own sandwich items.

 Our Burgers

"With Americans becoming increasingly health-conscious and litigious, the restaurant industry felt it necessary to protect itself with a self-imposed cheese cap," said Paul Conklin, president of the National Association of Fast-Food Retailers. "Gone are the days when we could load a burger with seven slices of fatty, cholesterol-laden American cheese without fear of reprisal."

Effective Oct. 1, McDonald's, Burger King, and five other leading chains will institute the "three-ounce rule," limiting the amount of cheese per sandwich item to three ounces. Though still double the USDA's recommended daily limit for cheese, the three-ounce limit is expected to sharply reduce the health risk posed to regular customers.

"This is us stepping up and taking responsibility for the health of our valued customers," Wendy's vice-president Bernard Angell said. "It's the right thing to do."

Most of the major fast-food chains have embraced the self-imposed limits, calling them "a small price to pay."

Above: A pre-limits Double Quarter Pounder.
Above: A pre-limits Double Quarter Pounder.

"From now on, anyone who wants extra cheese will have to sign a waiver clearing us of any and all culpability for health problems incurred as a result of excess cheese consumption," Burger King CEO Henry Tarment said. "The reality is, if we continued the way we were going, it was only a matter of time before that BK Triple Cheddar Stack caught up to us big-time. Three juicy beef patties and four big cheddar slices wasn't just a recipe for a great burger—it was a recipe for disaster."

One burger chain that has refused to participate in the cheese restrictions is Hardee's.

"The integrity of our Monster Burger would be severely compromised by these limitations," Hardee's president Andrew Puzder said. "To have only three slices of cheese would mean we could not credibly call this product a Monster Burger. Although we applaud these other chains for their good intentions, our number-one priority is providing our customers with the kind of delicious burgers they have come to expect and deserve. And cheese, healthy or not, is an essential component of that deliciousness."

Another powerful dissenting voice has been that of Arby's.

"The [NAFFR] proposal has its merits," said Boyd Shumacher, Arby's vice-president for product development and creator of the Arby's Big Cheddar roast-beef sandwich. "However, when we found that the limits included both natural cheese and imitation-and-natural cheese alloys, we felt we had to decline."

"Nobody wants to be sued out of existence by the family of some overweight guy whose heart exploded," Shumacher added, "but at some point, you have to draw the line."

Though health experts applaud the unprecedented self-policing measure, they say more needs to be done.

"Decreasing the amount of cheese is certainly a good start," said Dr. Steven Gregory, director of the NYU Medical Center's obesity-studies program. "But even without cheese, these greasy fast-food burgers, when eaten every day, are going to cause significant health problems. Ultimately, the burger chains don't care about their customers' health. They're primarily looking to protect themselves from lazy, fat fucks who'll eat anything between two halves of a bun."



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TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: cheese; holdtheonions
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1 posted on 09/04/2002 10:37:33 AM PDT by WindMinstrel
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To: WindMinstrel
It's very sad when it becomes almost impossible to tell the difference between The Onion and real news...
2 posted on 09/04/2002 10:40:25 AM PDT by WyldKard
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To: WindMinstrel
"From now on, anyone who wants extra cheese will have to sign a waiver clearing us of any and all culpability for health problems incurred as a result of excess cheese consumption,"

It'll happen.

3 posted on 09/04/2002 10:40:29 AM PDT by weikel
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To: WindMinstrel; dighton
That's all well-and-good, but how about limits on the amount of Møøse as well!

Besides, how are you going to keep the Møøse from biting your sister, if you don't have cheese to decoy it with?

4 posted on 09/04/2002 10:40:44 AM PDT by BlueLancer
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To: WindMinstrel
I wish that "Pre-Limit Double Quarter Pounder" was real! That looks good!
5 posted on 09/04/2002 10:43:02 AM PDT by Genesis defender
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To: WindMinstrel
Behold the power of cheese.
6 posted on 09/04/2002 10:44:02 AM PDT by dfwgator
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To: Genesis defender

Cheesy article
7 posted on 09/04/2002 10:44:19 AM PDT by SouthernFreebird
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To: WyldKard
This is an outrage!

When cheese is outlawed only outlaws will have cheese! :)

8 posted on 09/04/2002 10:50:02 AM PDT by hometoroost
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To: WindMinstrel
A throwback to the 1935 Käsegesetze of Nazi Germany and the lois de fromage issued in Vichy France in 1942. A sad day for our country.
9 posted on 09/04/2002 11:01:08 AM PDT by KarlInOhio
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To: BlueLancer
This isn't the end of the matter. Big Cheese will fight this.
10 posted on 09/04/2002 11:05:16 AM PDT by Gumlegs
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To: Gumlegs
Next the Food Police will be pushing for cheeseless pizzas.
11 posted on 09/04/2002 11:06:48 AM PDT by goldstategop
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To: WindMinstrel
I actually started to read this to co-workwers as a real story before I noticed that it was from "THE ONION"!

It is all too plausible- just think about how many headlines in our recent newspapers that a time-traveler from , say, 1960 would think were just bad jokes? (Example: "President Perjures Himself Over Oval Office Oral Sex with Intern").

12 posted on 09/04/2002 11:12:30 AM PDT by RANGERAIRBORNE
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To: Gumlegs
Waxman is trying to push similar legislation thru congress.

Nadler's opposing it.

13 posted on 09/04/2002 11:12:46 AM PDT by flushed with pride
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To: KarlInOhio
"What the French call a certain...I don't know what."


14 posted on 09/04/2002 11:14:38 AM PDT by TheBigB
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To: All
They've already changed the fry formula, back in '89. I noticed a difference in the taste of the McDonald's fries even then. Now, chesse and more fries/fat limits. Big Brother, move over. Now, we get dictated to by vegetarians and health food nuts. I want to eat want I want to eat, you Greenies! Let me know which fast food chains refuse to adhere to the new health food menu. I might be shopping there instead of at McDonald's or Wendy's. Burger King used to be my favorite, but they changed the Whopper about 5 years ago, and it now tastes like cardboard, probably due to some Greenie's bright ideas. And another note: I hope all you health food nuts take into consideration that diabetics like me CANNOT have high-carbohydrate diets. Meat and diary products are items diabetics can eat without blood sugar level concerns, so some of us need protein-rich diets that don't line up with your one-size-fits-all "perfect" menu. Adults should be able to eat whatever they want. I don't need your expertise; I can fashion my own diet, thank you.....
15 posted on 09/04/2002 11:16:15 AM PDT by Malcolm
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To: KarlInOhio; BlueLancer
A throwback to the 1935 Käsegesetze of Nazi Germany and the lois de fromage issued in Vichy France in 1942.

Both inevitably followed the shocking Zwiebelputsch of 1751.

16 posted on 09/04/2002 11:17:19 AM PDT by dighton
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To: flushed with pride

I can't believe that
little weasel, Waxman,
is trying to cut the cheese!

17 posted on 09/04/2002 11:23:31 AM PDT by Gumlegs
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To: hometoroost
When cheese is outlawed only outlaws will have cheese!

LOL!

18 posted on 09/04/2002 11:25:24 AM PDT by MrJingles
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To: WindMinstrel
Mickey D's uses cheese? It looks like Velveeta. Is this a legitimate cheese thread?
19 posted on 09/04/2002 11:28:13 AM PDT by colorado tanker
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To: WindMinstrel
roflmao
20 posted on 09/04/2002 11:29:01 AM PDT by JediGirl
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