35 Things Not to Say to a Cop!

StrangeCosmos.com ^ | 8-25-02 | Strange Cosmos

[KLT]

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People band?

4. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me. Good job.

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a

police officer.

6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

7. Bad cop, no donut.

8. You're not going to check the trunk are you?

9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?

11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's

night stand.

12. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at

McDonalds?

13. I pay your salary.

14. So uh, you on the take or what?

15. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a

warning.

16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us knows.

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other

cars around, that's how far ahead they are.

18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" YOU'RE the trained

specialist.

19. Well officer, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun

fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal,

forcing me to speed out of control.

20. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

21. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

22. No, YOU assume the position.

23. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts is having a 3 for 1

special!

24. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?

25. No, offi, offic,lucifer...I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear

to dog.

26. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110

mph.

27. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

28. But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different

states! Pick ONE!

29. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green

men!

30. On the way to the station, let's get a six pack, oh and don't forget

the cig's.

31. Come on, write the stupid ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

32. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?

33. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

34. So that's what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone mean.

35. What do you use those rubber gloves for anyway?

[KLT]

"you never should argue with Jay when he's drunk."

Pretty stupid girl....guess she wasn't a brunette like me....LOL

[PatrioticAmerican]

Thanks.

[Excuse_My_Bellicosity]

"'Can I walk that white line?' No, but I can sniff it."

[Dakmar]

36. I'm usually a lot drunker than this before I'll even think about driving!

[patton]

Roared up to city hall today, parked on the sidewalk, and ran inside to pay my city car tax. About $600

While waiting in line, it occured to me that my 2-ton truck was parked on the sidewalk in front of the main entrance to the police station.

Cops never even noticed.

[The_Sword_of_Groo]

Is that knowledge from first hand exp? :-)

I had an officer tell me to pour out a drink once. So I did. FYI: Cops DO NOT like having margaritas poured on their shoes.

Another one for the list...

"That machine only detects alcohol, right?"

[Duckdog]

I like #25

[LibKill]

ROTFLOL!

OK, back to the real world.

Some cops are ticket machines.

Other cops are really interested in public safety.

I have found that that the second type can be reasoned with if you are polite.

[Paulus Invictus]

Or how about this true one about a local politician when he was younger. He and his girl were stopped for speeding through town and the driver began to argue with the cop. His girl friend leaned over and said "Hey officer, you should never argue with my boy friend when he is drunk!" The former drunk is now a country commissioner and very rich and respectable (he thinks).

[CHICAGOFARMER]

great list

#70. I once wanted to be a policeman. Then I remembered I needed to graduate from High School.

#71. Seventeen years on the force and you are still a patrolman?

[Chancellor Palpatine]

A friend of mine actually did two whoppers, which I witnessed (riding with him to White Castle at 3 AM, he managed to hit the only other car in the parking lot).

His first line was "think you're big with them blue lights, doncha?"

The second, when asked to do some field sobriety contortion, his response was "hell, I can't do that sober. How do you expect me to do it drunk?"

[CHICAGOFARMER]

A cleaned up copy

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People band?

4. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me. Good job.

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

7. Bad cop, no donut.

8. You're not going to check the trunk are you?

9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?

11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand.

12. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonalds?

13. I pay your salary.

14. So uh, you on the take or what?

15. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us knows.

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no othercars around, that's how far ahead they are.

18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" YOU'RE the trained specialist.

19. Well officer, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal,forcing me to speed out of control.

20. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

21. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

22. No, YOU assume the position.

23. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts is having a 3 for 1 special!

24. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?

25. No, offi, offic,lucifer...I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.

26. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.

27. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

28. But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick ONE!

29. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

30. On the way to the station, let's get a six pack, oh and don't forget the cig's.

31. Come on, write the stupid ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

32. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?

33. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

34. So that's what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone mean.

35. What do you use those rubber gloves for anyway?

36. Make it snappy, Fatso, I'm in a hurry!

37. THAT's what these things cost?? Man, I'm glad I don't make YOUR salary!

38. That a Glock?? Couldn't learn to shoot anything more complicated, huh?

39. I've put on a few pounds. Where did you get that vest for your beer gut?

40. I've been cruising for the best whore house in town, where's your favorite?

41. Of course I was speeding, ya had to work at catching up, didn't ya?

42. How fast was I going? Well, now, if YOU don't know, then I guess it must have been a bit under the limit. Sorry I was going so slow officer.

43. My phone number? Whoa, there, fella. We just met!

44. "I'm a woman with PMS and I've got a gun!"

45. You've got a gun and a badge...I've got a gun and a badge. But how many kids do you have in your trunk?

44. "Don't mess with me, cop; I'm nasty when I'm drunk."

45. Would ya mind wiping your mouth, you're getting donut crumbs on my ticket?

47. Help, Help, im being repressed!!!

48. Draw! Only kiddi...

49. No searching, ok? My wife hates it when people see all these beer cans in the car

50. "Does anyone else smell baccon?"

51. See the Stop sign? I don't believe everything I read.

52. blow me

53. You guys really enforce that stupid law?

54. I'm reaching for my wallet. Don't shoot me 41 times.

55. He asks "Know why I pulled you over?" You say "Know why I ran that light?"

56. You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

57. Hey, man, you want a hit?

58. Met your quota? Happy now?

59. Pretend you are gay and ask him out. When he says no, cry.

60. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

61. Act like you are retarded

56. I'm not driving too fast, I'm just flying too low.

57. Do I know how fast I was going? Hey, you're the state fascist with the radar gun, you tell me!"

58. "Oh, for Pete's sake, can't you people make up your minds? First you take my license away, and now you want to see it..."

59. Got to drive !!! I'm too drunk to walk !!

60. If you make me get out of this car, I'm gonna have to just beat your ass!

62. I remember when I went through 4 months of training, except I became a diesel mechanic.

63. Do those federal guys taunt you? You don't cry about it do you?

64. If you can, remove the cuffs in the back of the cruiser while showing him, saying, "Man you put those on tight!"

65. Could you clear my gun? (It confuses them. Clear? They don't know how.)

66. Wow, we have a lot in common. We're both firearms experts. I took a basic pistol course, too!

67. Yeah, my little sister is a cop. She's thinks she's tough, too.

68. - I can sympathise with you officer - I was in the police academy once - till they found out my parents were married when I was born

69. Do I smell bacon?

70. Is it true men join the police force to "compensate" for thier "shortcomings."

71. So, how's life on the White Man's Welfare, er, Police Force.

72. I once wanted to be a policeman. Then I remembered I needed to graduate from High School.

73. Seventeen years on the force and you are still a patrolman?



A woman is pulled over by a highway patrol officer. She says to him, "Did you pull me over to sell me a ticket to the Patrol Officers' Ball?"

Realizing her mistake, she quickly followed with, "Oh, wait! I forgot. Highway Patrol Officers don't have balls."

In the Urban Legend, she gets out of the ticket.

[Ditter]

I have a t-shirt that reads [I'm Out of Estrogen & I've Got a Gun]. I don't really wear it that much. I once told an officer who stopped me for speeding that I was sick to my stomach & I was hurrying home to throw up. Nice guy, he let me go without a ticket.

[DeFault User]

[as officer walks up to car, pulling out his book and a pen]

"I'll have a double cheeseburger with an order of fries and a chocolate shake."

[strela]

In my area there is a car with this sticker but it BELONGS to a cop.

(shakes head) Cop humor.

[SamAdams76]

74. I was going 80mph in a 40mph zone? But officer, I was only going to be out there for half an hour!

[kanawa]

Bump

[Kozak]

37. " Bad Cop! No Donut!"

[Kozak]

Argggg.
Please ignore no 78. My bad.