Entire Nation of Israel Converts to Catholicism

BSNN.NET ^ | 04/23/2002 | Lazamataz

[Lazamataz]

As the elected leader of the newly-designated Roman Catholic State of Israel, Airel Sharon has assumed the position of Cardinal of the Israeli Diocese.  

JERUSALEM —In an effort to confuse Palestinian bombers, the entire nation of Israel converted to Catholicism today. As the Knesset met yesterday, Shlomo Benizri submitted legislation that would formally change the official religion of Israel to Christianity in general and Roman Catholicism in particular. 

Speaking outside the Knesset chamber, Benizri told reporters, "If we just change religions, maybe the Palestinians won't really notice us any more."
 
The measure passed overwhelmingly. 
 
Alex Plotzker, of the news organization Ha'aretz, said in a commentary Monday night: "This brilliant move by our government will certainly lower our profile in the Islamic world. And now that we are no longer Jews, there is not so much reason to hate our freakin' guts, is this not true?"
 
As the people of Israel struggled to adapt to the change, airlifts of Crucifixes, Stations of the Cross, little Patron Saint cards and painted statues of the Virgin Mary were being planned from the United States. 

"Oy vey," lamented one unidentified man. "Now I should no longer atone for my sins once a year on Yom Kippur, but instead I should go to this 'confession' every week? Sounds like I am paying retail."
 
"Does that mean I have to change my name from Binyamin Chazan to Mark Masamacchi?" puzzled another.
 
In the Vatican, the Pope was informed of this recent development, but an ankle injury prevented him from commenting.

[weikel]

ROTFLMAO I wonder if the Vatican's pro Pali position would change.

[wimpycat]

The only possible solution that I can see....

A mass conversion to Catholicism might, just might, render the Jews safe from the Muslims, but a lateral move from the God of Abraham to the Whore of Babylon will only double the proselytizing efforts of the member churches of the Southern Baptist Convention.

You can run, but you can't hide from the Baptists. No one can, not even Methodists.

[uglybiker]

WEll, they have tribal tendencies. And they are lost...

[Romulus]

Laz, have you considered the priesthood? We're gonna have some choice positions opening up.

[piasa]

Just think of the havoc this would cause to the Palestinians when the new Catholics discover what appears to be an image of the Virgin Mary one the outside of their holiest mosques and hordes of new converts swarm over it taking pictures and praying...

Before long, the palestinians will BEG them all to convert back or a new holy war would break out against the gawkers.

[Constitution Day]

You can run, but you can't hide from the Baptists. No one can, not even Methodists.

So, I guess the new Baptist slogan is:

"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"

[Jeremiah Jr]

So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Tel Aviv!

[dighton]

Laz, have you considered the priesthood? We're gonna have some choice positions opening up.

Laz, Romulus is trying to save your life. Or did you already jump?

[Lazamataz]

What will the Pali bombers do now????

[Lazamataz]

Only days remain, my life is over soon....

(j/k!)

[Lazamataz]

Canada is next

[GovernmentShrinker]

It's also worth noting that quite a lot of present day "Jews" aren't really Jews in the first place. The historical evidence suggests that many of them (some scholars claim most Eastern European Jews)) are descended from the Khazars, who "converted" to Judaism rather informally for the politically expedient reason that their king had converted. There is no evidence to suggest that any significant number of these people were individually converted by rabbis -- more like they just started calling themselves Jews, the way British subjects nearly all turned "Protestant" when their king did. The Khazar-descended "Jews" who are not religious thus have neither a faith nor an ethnic connection to Judaism.

[Lazamataz]

Oy vey!

[Lazamataz]

Jackbooted-thug-lover bump ;^)

[Lazamataz]

Your website worked on a national level!

[Alouette]

The historical evidence suggests that many of them (some scholars claim most Eastern European Jews)) are descended from the Khazars

There is no genetic evidence or any serious historical research to support this hypothesis, DNA tests on the contrary show a strong genetic affinity between Ashkenazi and Sephardi Jews. The historical fact is, about 1200 years ago, the King of the Khazars and a few of his nobility converted to Judaism, but this in no way affected the gene pool of the overwhelming majority of European Jewry.

The "Khazar" theory is a favorite of holocaust-deniers and other assorted Jew haters in order to deny the right of Jews to live in the Holy Land.

[Squantos]

I'll have to raise my BS flag to full mast Laz if you cannot immediately produce instructions as to fabricating a rosary from a yarmulke or kippah ........clock is running and dark clouds are forming...........BTW your not promoting Zoroastrianism here just for sh*ts and giggles are you ??

Stay Safe (ooops too late :o)

[jigsaw]

"Oy vey," lamented one unidentified man. "Now I should no longer atone for my sins
once a year on Yom Kippur, but instead I should go to this 'confession' every week?
Sounds like I am paying retail.

ROTFLMAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Most Excellent!

[AppyPappy]

Can you imagine the confessions:

Confessor: Forgive me, Father, I have sinned. I masturbated.
Priest: Who doesn't? Go wash.
C: And I looked in lust at a girl in my class
P: Does she come from a nice family?
C: And I bought a car using my credit card. It's over the limit now.
P: I bet you paid retail, you meshugga. My cousin could have gotten you a good deal. Your punishment is you have to go see your mother and take her out to eat. A nice place but not too expensive. And don't tell her about the car. You want she should have a heart attack?