RETURN TO PRETENDLAND

Return to Pretendland Kevin McCullough Monday, March 25, 2002 Midway through the Woody Allen portion of the 74th Academy Awards, I wondered aloud, "How much longer?" I was quickly rebuked by the world's biggest Woody Allen fan sitting next to me: "Shhhhhhh"! So I shhhsed. I mean, for all the hype that the Oscars are supposed to live up to, this year's was about as dry, dull and lackluster as could be found!

OK, so maybe I'm just a little bitter because I came in tied for fifth in the Oscar party contest we were playing. Hey, it hasn't exactly been my week. My candidate lost in our gubernatorial race, and the last time I checked I was fading so fast in my NCAA predictions, I think that was me I heard screaming for a parachute to help break the fall.

OK – so my skill at prognostication is horrible. I can live with it.

But what I can't live with? Try Pretendlanders! You know who these people are. They were in full getups last night at the Kodak Theatre.

These are people who spend so much time in Pretendland that they sometimes foolishly believe that they actually have lived the different scenarios they play out on film. They in turn then feel the right to use their visibility to lecture folks about public policy, economic structures and social justice.

Don't get me wrong – I always believe it's good for any American to speak out on things they passionately care about. The more that Pretendlanders speak, however, the more simplistic and shallow they reveal their thinking processes to be.

But like many Americans, there I sat in the middle of an "Oscar party" hoping against hope that my picks would win. I did great in the supporting actor/actress roles, but director, leading actor/actress and best picture ... all down in flames.

But besides continually losing pick after pick through the night, I was subjected to the droning of Pretendlanders.

We opened with Mr. Tom Cruise. An opening diatribe about how movies and the magic they give us had been his "lifesaver" in the good and bad times that have been his life. When an actor friend asked the profound questions, after 9-11, "What are we doing?" and "Does it matter?" Mr. Cruise's synopsis is "It matters now more than ever!"

WHAT? Since 9-11 life has for the most part gotten back to normal for the vast majority of Americans. To somehow justify Hollywood's (Pretendland's) influence being enlarged or strengthened because of the worst tragedy in American history is pitifully shallow.

Mr. Cruise, you're a good actor and all, but there is a heck of a lot of difference between you flying your "pretend" top-gun missions and those boys in Afghanistan who get caught exposed to open fire on all sides and end up fighting their way out of it.

Pretendland's obsession with itself, though, is somewhat expected. (This keeps them busy while the rest of the world is fighting for a real cause – like freedom!)

But the night was far from over. In fact, for the next four and a half hours we had to sit and listen to the diatribes of Whoopi Goldberg (and is it just me, or is she just not funny anymore?), Woody Allen, Barbra Streisand, Robert Redford and Julia Roberts.

There was also the director of the winner of the documentary category Short Subject, "Thoth," about a street musician from San Francisco. In accepting the award, Sarah Kernochan said that "in a world where so much war is waged [translated: "I think the U.S. is the real terrorist state], this man [who sings in his own mythical language] wages love every day ..."

Armed with a violin and a satin nightie? I don't get it ...

There were some genuine moments. I loved how gracious Halle Berry and Denzel Washington both were in accepting long-overdue acclaim on behalf of African-American actors.

Denzel truly had the funniest line of the night when he talked about "chasing Sidney ... only for them to give Sidney one the same night" (Sidney Poitier had been honored with a lifetime achievement Oscar earlier in the evening). I liked Roberto Bernini's pre-produced piece about his favorite movie of all time, "RUH-NEB."

Even though I still don't feel it was Best Picture material, you can't be disappointed that Opie finally got his director's Oscar for "A Beautiful Mind." And yes, I was deeply disappointed that "Moulin Rouge" did not win Best Picture – it was certainly a much harder, more sophisticated movie to make than "A Beautiful Mind."

But the best people don't always win. For Denzel, this type of respect was long overdue. Halle said she accepted on behalf of Dandridge and Horne and others who had not won but might have deserved to in the past.

It was comforting to see the great Sidney Poitier win. A man ahead of his time in what he expected, demanded and was able to achieve in an industry that made it difficult to be successful in in his time.

But all the good things aside, I still found myself driving home from my party pondering the question Tom Cruise's friend had asked him: "All this is for what?"

And then I remembered. It is a night designed to give people who have an inflated sense of self-importance an opportunity to "teach" the rest of us about "real" life – you know, like how important movies are now, in light of 9-11.

I just see it as a night when people who are far wealthier than I am borrow friends' clothes and jewelry to receive awards for pretend stories, so that they can party (and perhaps abuse substances and humans) until the wee hours of the morning. Which is fine anyway, because none of them have real jobs to go to when Monday comes.

Ah, Pretendland ... a great place to love, don't you think? Oh, and one last thing: Gwyneth, go back to the pink – it was much more flattering!

Kevin McCullough and Deborah Rowe are enjoyed weekdays 3-5 p.m. on AM 1160 WYLL, a 50,000-watt station in Chicago, Ill., www.wyll.com

The real good news to come out of the Oscars is that ratings for the show were at a record low, especially in "Middle America". These people are irrelevant, and show biz and celebrity are resuming their normal place in our list of national priorities - at the bottom.

Thank you, I could not have said it better myself.

I am more concerned with our American soldiers who are fighting for our freedoms, and who deserve our attention and support at this time.

I watch any ceremony on TV when our military personnel are involved and feel such great pride in them (unfortunately, they are never long enough). The Oscar ceremony - never saw it due to lack of interest.

Rich people I don't know blathering about rich people I don't know blathering about movies I don't watch.

Somebody explain the connection to MY life.

There were some genuine moments. I loved how gracious Halle Berry and Denzel Washington both were in accepting long-overdue acclaim on behalf of African-American actors.

Halle Berry was by no means "gracious". Her "performance" was one of the most self-aggrandizing, cheapening, race-baiting speeches I have ever heard, all while crying profusely... It was just sickening. It's sad that because of Berry's lunatic race speech, a stellar actor such as Denzel Washinton was instantly brought down to her level by the media.

You FReepers who actually watched this need your priorities rearranged. How you could sit down in your own home and be continually insulted by the likes of Whoopi Goldberg is light years beyond me. Can you spell boycott? Besides, what sort of example are you setting for your children. Wake up.

How you could sit down in your own home and be continually insulted by the likes of Whoopi Goldberg is light years beyond me.

AMEN!

Well mercy, as the author of that Column - I have to watch such things as a radio host - in essence I agree with your assessment, and believe me Whoopi made the evening excruciating for everyone that was watching at the gathering where I was!!!

OK, you're excused. heh heh heh

I suppose there is some value in your being able to reinforce we boycotters in the knowledge that it WAS lousy and we missed NOTHING. lol

I think the Academy has seen the last of the fat commie girl however. They should bring back Billy Crystal. I don't know that he is not a liberal but at least he has enough brains to not wear it on his sleeve.

Well since my good friend Ann Coulter wrote on the same topic, on the same day, I don't feel like a total outcast. You know what a huge icon the lovely Ms. Coulter is here in Freeperland! And why Billy Crystal? Yeah he's better than Whoopie (heck so would I) but I personally think they need to bring back Letterman. He is dry, sarcastic, and willing to put it right back in their face...just my own thought!