Who Here Has Lost a Spouse - How Did You Get Through This Experience?

self | 2/10/02 | self

[Freedom'sWorthIt]

If you have gone through the experience of losing a spouse, (or someone you know has) could you please post on this thread about that time, any ideas or help for others going through this terrible experience?

[abclily]

The same remark certainly comforted my family when we lost our brother. Sorry if I have offended anyone. My prayers are with the family. I am so sorry if I offended.

[Freedom'sWorthIt]

Hello. Just pinging some of our faithful prayer thread members - could we add Mrs. Chief to our Daily prayer thread? And if any of you have appropriate comments to make to her - it would be very welcome for you to post here on this thread - to "In Chiefs Honor". Thanks!

[DebMcB]

As many of you know, I lost my husband, Craig, on New Year's Day. Craig and I go way back to the birthplace of Free Republic, the old Whitewater BB on Prodigy.

There is no easy way through this and it is different for everyone one who experiences it, but no one who hasn't experienced it can begin to understand the depth of the pain.

What has help me is support through an internet site and their e-mail listgroup.

[winodog]

God, prayer and time. God will not remove your grief right away because you would be left with a empty shell. If he removes your grief, he would have to take away your love. Be careful what you pray for.

It might not help you but I got a tattoo.Its forever.

[cardinal4]

ping

[Freedom'sWorthIt]

Apology accepted. People are comforted in different ways. I apologize if I took it the wrong way. Sometimes people come here and make casual "quips" - and I see that yours was sincere. Appreciate the fact that the thought that God was involved in "taking" the loved one at that particular time - in His Sovereign Wisdom and Plan - comforted you. I do know and have learned to trust in the One who is in control of it all. But sometimes people react when in times of great pain from loss of loved ones - with great anger at God for doing this "to" them. Also, sometimes, people turn away from God at a time of death of a loved one, blaming God for letting such evil happen. (siblings reacted in this way to my mother's death).

So, what comforts one may not comfort another. But glad you posted what helped you. That's what this thread is about and Mrs. Chief and anybody else going through this who may be lurking can take or leave what is said here.

[andysandmikesmom]

I lost a child, going on 17 years ago...he was just 15, and died from a very rare form of leukemia..he lived for 15 months with his disease, and we all knew from the diagnosis, even him, that he would probably not survive his disease, as it had a very grim prognosis...so in the 15 months he was ill, we all tried to live life to the fullest, which was difficult, as he was in the hospital so much...but it made us all stop and think and appreciate each day as it came, and saw it for what it was, a gift from God...

So when he died, nothing was left undone, there were no loose ends to tie up...we let him know how much we loved him, and he let us know how much he loved us...it was very, very difficult, to let him slip away, and not be broken hearted about it..

But he let us know before he died, that he would be safe at home with the Lord, and would be healed of his illness...he did not want me, nor his father, nor his younger brother to spend too much time mourning him...of course, he realized this was easier said than done...he had more courage, and spunk, and determination, than I will ever have...in the end, he left us all too soon...

That being said, how does one cope with the loss of a child...there is no easy, or one size fits all answer...grief affects each one in different ways...I was lucky in that I had a great husband for support, and another child to care for, and a great network of friends and relatives who lent an ear and a shoulder to cry on...

I think what is important to remember, is that each person who has lost a loved one, must be allowed the time and space they need to grieve...expecting them to 'snap out of it', or thinking that they should get on with their lives when they are not ready to, is at the best cruel...some may grieve horribly for much longer than others do...we each go about this in our own way...

My own advice to those who want to help those who are grieving is this...listen to them, without judging them...sometimes those of us who have lost a child, want to badly to talk about our child to others...but sometimes others feel uncomfortable with that, and then they draw away, fearful they may say or do the wrong thing...please know and understand, that talking about our deceased children can be theraputic...it allows us to share our child with others, it allows us to in some small way keep them alive...

In spite of all I tried, to get over my sons death, I eventually wound up in the hospital, diagnosed with severe clinical depression....but meds and much therapy have restored me...I also have amnesia for about the first 18 months after my sons death...this is not tremendously unusual...I have read of many other mothers who lost a child, and some have had amnesia for years after the death...its almost as if the mind will not allow us to relive the sharp pain we felt so soon after our childs death...

It is very easy to tell the one who is grieving, that time will heal them, that their loved one is with the Lord, that all is in Gods plan..but you know, sometimes none of that is enough, and we just simply dont want to hear it, and all we want to do is cry...and that is ok...cry and cry and cry for as long as it takes...

I must say, altho the pain is probably not as sharp and debilitating as it was in the beginning, not a single day goes by, when I dont think of and mourn my dear son...every time his birthday comes, every Christmas, every holiday, his memory is there, fresh as ever...I know when I die myself, my last thought will be for my son, knowing I will see him soon...dont know if any of this has helped anyone else, but it has helped me...God Bless all those who are grieving, and Bless those who lend a shoulder and an ear to those who are in grief...

[Sophie]

Sophie's Guidelines to Being A Good Listener:

1. listens with with spiritual ears open, hearing and understanding the spirit beneath the words;
2. listens with the heart and mind still and the mouth shut;
3. listens with no personal agenda;
4. listens with compassionate spiritual eyes, maintaining involved eye contact;
5. listens with a compassionate heart;
6. listens with a committed heart;
7. listens with attentiveness;
8. listens without judgment;
9. listens without fear;
10. listens with faith, knowing that the Spirit of God is at work to will and do according to His good purpose;
11. waits patiently, quietly and prayerfully through times of silence, making room for the unfolding of things previously too deep and too painful to even know or express;
12. counts it a privilege to witness a soul in the process of transformation, even when it doesn't look like it;
13. offers to pray when the time of tears and sharing ends;
14. consoles with words of confidence in the faithfulness of God, which is usually all anyone needs to hear;
15. waits to give advice until asked;
16. offers a hug;
17. recognizes that these are sacred moments of eternal consequence;
18. keeps all such moments completely confidential.

[Joe 6-pack]

Don't thank me...Thank Wordsworth, whom I failed to cite...

God Bless you, and may he bear you through your loss...

[Sophie]

I lost my husband after a six-year debilitating brain disorder very similiar to Lou Gehrig's disease. I went through incredible rage at God because he was not healed but by the grace of God He brought me through it a stronger woman. Today I teach others on brokenness and grieving.

The real question is how can we help others go through their grief? And the answer is to let them have it. Do not try to talk them out of their pain and loss. Listen with attentiveness and compassion. Let them tell their stories---over and over again if necessary. Tell your own stories about the one who has died. Laugh and cry with them. And know for a certainty that the only way we get through loss is through grief. Without it we will never get through it and we will become as dead as the one who died.

[Freedom'sWorthIt]

You are right. There IS no easy way through this! Appreciate very much your comments - especially since you have so recently experienced this loss - and the pain is still there I am sure.

(Could you recheck your link for the helpful email list - I could not find the email list when I followed your link - or a group that would help.....maybe I didn't look hard enough).

God be with you at this time, DebMcB. Thanks!

[Ken522]

My $.02 worth - having lost my mom several years ago: Pray long and pray daily for the well-being of the soul of your loved one. Pray morning, mid-day, and night; whenever you are alone, pray for your loved one. Prayer brings peace to your own mind.

[The Real Deal]

Mrs. Chief, I have been praying for you. It is all a can really do.

I lost a Sister and my Dad. My sister died 20 years ago. My Dad died 5 years ago. I don't know that I will ever be over it, but I did get through the pain. Now I can look back and see the good times we had together. I don't know how long it will take for you to get there, but you will get there. I will keep praying for you and your family. Take comfort in God's love, I did and it helped me to get through.

Paul

[ruoflaw]

a member of FreeRepublic named revivel lost her husband last fall to a sudden illness and we were in contact for a short time but I haven't seen her name on this site for about three months...if she does read this, I want her to know that I think of her often and that she is still in my prayers.

[deadhead]

"someone who you love never really dies.... the person will always live on in your heart."

Yes, they always live in your heart. Having lost both my parents and my brother, all at young ages, I can relate to this. They are always in my heart. Think of the good times and smile, and it's OK to be sad and cry. Gain strength and comfort from your loved ones and from God. Know that your loved one is in a wonderful place and you will be reunited one day. Time helps to lessen the pain. Take care and God Bless

[looois]

I lost my wife eleven years old. Was 49 at the time and still had two teenagers daughters in the house. It was a death which came as a total shock. The girls were hit hardest. Then, the time came, because I had lost the household homemaker, and the children, their mother, that it was like we were all three suddenly made like ten years old and had to do some growing up together - them as well as me. We had to adjust. None of us could cook, but the youngest daughter took to it so we could all at least eat. The first few years were the worst because birthday, mother's day, anniversary of death, were dates of great pain for us. The children grew to marry and now have families of their own. When the first grandaughter asked questions about her grandmother, my youngest daughter told her that she was at home in the sky. This, along with questions as to why grandpa lives alone and doesn't have anyone to live with him. I don't think, even now, that we are over it yet. Anytime we talk about things Ma used to do, when we are together, my two daughters still cry. But it seems each time, it ends in a positive way. It's the remembrances that are toughest. But I'm glad it is that way. So it seems she will always have her place in our lives even though she is no longer here. You don't ever get over it. You just adjust, or make changes to accomodate it, and move on. I would have to say, on the positive side, that it brought me and my children closer together. We are more keen that we are still a family today, and this is being passed on to my grandchildren.

[billbears]

My prayers lifted up for In Chiefs Honor and others that have lost loved ones recently. Added to the Daily Prayer Thread

There is nothing I can say that I would know even half of what you feel, but my God Almighty, our Comforter and our Strength be with you, hold you in His mighty arms, and give you peace and love right now

[potlatch]

The only experience I have is when my father died. My parents were so close, that I feared for my mother. She will always miss him, but she did fine and is content now. Family, friends, and a pet will be your support along with prayer. When a friend dies, I always pray that God will give their family consolation - as I will for you.

[real saxophonist]

Mrs. Chief - i don't know what to say, but Semper Fi, hopefully things are going in the direction to get things figured out there. Supercat is the one here who I know best as having lost a spouse. Hope he doesn't mind me putting out his name. The worst thing I've ever gone through is the summer of 2001, after the death of my mom in May. Even worse than Parris Island in '89.

[sarasmom]

I wish I had words that could soothe you.Time and tears have seemed to be the only solace I found.I know from the posts Ive seen that you work to bring justice for your husband.I hope you do, I was not successfull.

During the next few years,some people you counted on will leave you, and others you never considered will stand steadily by your side.There is no one right way to grieve.Pray when you can.If someone brings you peace,seek them out.Those who bring you pain,avoid.Try to be gentle with yourself.Forgive youself when you rage at life.Share your sorrow with your friends.Ignore any loving advise that doesnt work now, but put it in the back of your mind for later.May you find and cling to calmness.Peace and joy are feelings that will come again,later,when you will be ready for them.