Posted on 01/17/2002 2:38:28 PM PST by TexanaRED
Just of bit of Thursday afternoon humor.
· I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
· Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
· Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
· Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
· I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
· I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
· Bad cop! No doughnut!
· You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
· Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
· Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
· Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
· Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
· I pay your salary!
· So, uh, you on the take or what?
· Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
· Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
· I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
· What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
· Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
· Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
· Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?
No offense to any LEO FReepers, just got a kick out of these. And, I would be willing to bet that any FReeper cops out there have heard some even better than these! Care to share?
Oh my God, is it Thursday already?
Oh... That's a maximum speed on the sign?
Ahole cop #1 asks in ahole tone of voice: "What's your name."
Being the nice guy that I am, I start to move up to the car's window so I can have a nice polite conversation with these gentlemen.
Ahole cop #2 barks: "Stay away from my car."
I start to reply "As a taxpayer I believe this is my car" but an Angel of the Lord clamps his hand down on my mouth and I can only croak out my name. Aholes 1&2 get a call and roar off into the night, leaving my smart ass intact.
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
LOL!
Ya know.. He's kind of got a point with this one.
I get a call from the alarm company in the middle of the night that one of our stores about 1.5 hours away had been broken into. They tell me the police are on the scene, couldn't get the Manager or the Assistant and I am next on the call list.
I jump up and race over there.. Sure enough, there's a cop out front with his light's going. He tells me they busted the doorknob off the back door with a sledgehammer and tried to unlock the door, but the security bar didn't allow them access.
Then he says he responded to the alarm in time to see them drive away. I asked why he didn't catch them and he says "well, I left my cruiser in front of the building and walked back here.. and they just drove off in a truck."
Now, I am beginning to wonder how bright this cop really is, since he let them get away and everything. He also acts like it's such a small burgularly it's a total waste of his time to be here.
As we are walking back around to the front of the building I trip over something, look down and see that it's a doorknob. I tell officer genius to shine his flashlight and the whole parking lot lit up with shiny, stainless steel commercial doorknobs.
He about choked when he saw them, runs around to his cruiser and in a few minutes there are cops everywhere.. They are on the roof, they are in the ceiling, they are absolutely everywhere.
And all of them are pissed at him for letting the guys who robbed every store in the plaza (till our alarm stopped them) drive away in a pickup truck laden with stolen goods.
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