THE SOUTH - LIKE IT OR WE'LL KICK YOUR A$$!

via email | Jan. 12, 2002 | Unknown

[jslade]

The South......Like it or we will kick your ass!

Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

Don't order a bottle of pop of a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Questions our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -minus your ass.

Y'all have a nice day!

[KY Dittohead]

Being from the North Carolina, right near the South Carolina Border, I was raised saying "drink" for what ya'll call Coke.(The county I am from was dry at the time, no booze.) When we moved to KY everyone thought we were asking for alcohol, had to adjust that one real quick.

LOVE my sweet tea, everyone in KY thinks I'm nuts when I ask if their tea is sweet. "We got packets.." EEEEWWWWW! And never mind asking for grits. Never, ever eat grits without some butter in them.(Though they are real good with fried fish, yum!)Don't forget the collards, a lotta folks turn lots of colors when you talk about them, and the oysters, steamed open you scrape them out of the shell and slurp them down (with sweet tea and hush puppies).

And in my neck of the woods BBQ is PORK!! Not beef. We had them pig pickin's for everything..annivers'ries..weddin's, birthdays, the deer dog had puppies..shoot..we didn't need no stinking reason.

Sorry my post is so long...ya'll got me homesick..don't want mine kicked next..;-)

[rockfish59]

yep!

[rockfish59]

i think he was in the most awesome wreck EVER!

'never see me drivin' without 'em'!

[lowbridge]

funny bump y'all

[rockfish59]

andersonville!

but the yanks weren't no damned better!

[jslade]

Ahhhhhhh! A pig pullin'.

[habs4ever]

Is this true??lol

[Aric2000]

ROFLMAO!! I am laughing so hard that I am crying, that was wonderful!!! I lived down south, and I could really hear my friend Dennie telling me this!! ROFLMAO!!!

[Marauder]

Can anyone imagine working as a waitperson in Atlanta during the Olympics and trying to explain grits to someone from - for example - Germany or Poland?

[Senator Pardek]

Hey Southerners, you'll earn my respect when you learn how to make pizza (hint - it does not taste like Domino's).

Actually, this "request" of mine goes out to anyone who lives more than 75 miles outside of NYC.

[jslade]

Let me ammend that post. a pig pullin' over an open far with a bottle of Jack Daniels. And good company. Nirvana!

[Barbarian]

Bring that little tiny southern butt up here and we will do what us northern folk call ..open a can of whip ass on you..

[sweetliberty]

Here's a little test for those who might not be quite sure where they fit in along the north/south divide:

You Might be a Yankee if…

• you think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
• you think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
• you don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"correctly.
• for breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
• you don't know what a moon pie is.
• you've never had grain alcohol.
• you've never, ever, eaten Okra.
• you eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
• you've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
• you have no idea what a polecat is.
• whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
• you don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
• you don't have bangs.
• you would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
• more than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
• you would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
• instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
• you don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
• you have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
• you think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
• you don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
• The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
• you don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
• the farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
• you call binoculars opera glasses.
• you can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
• you would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
• you don't know what appliqued is.
• most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
• you don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
• you don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
• you've never been to a craft show.
• you get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
• you can't do your laundry without quarters.
• none of your fur coats are homemade.

[aomagrat]

Was that the one where he flipped over the pit wall at Darlington and was almost ejected, or when he barrel rolled down the front stretch at Daytona and then got T-boned.

[Barbarian]

Yea.. What about subs and steaks and do they know what a bagel is down yonder?

[jslade]

It was emailed to me today from a friend in Houston. I had the same reaction and wanted to share it with my fellow Freepers.

[Senator Pardek]

To them, a bagel is something they return to the bakery, because the glazed sugar and sprinkles were left off of it.

[Cornjonny]

When I was stationed in Florida, I was up in the panhandle and was reminded by the locals that it wasn't really Florida, but L.A.(Lower Alabama). I was in Ft. Walton Beach at Eglin AFB.

[jslade]

Bring that little tiny southern butt up here and we will do what us northern folk call ..open a can of whip ass on you..

You don't even know the right terminology. It's WHUP ASS!

[sweetliberty]

"You don't even know the right terminology. It's WHUP ASS!"

LOL! There ya go!