THE SOUTH - LIKE IT OR WE'LL KICK YOUR A$$!

via email | Jan. 12, 2002 | Unknown

[jslade]

The South......Like it or we will kick your ass!

Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

Don't order a bottle of pop of a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Questions our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -minus your ass.

Y'all have a nice day!

[Nate505]

Have you ever lived anywhere else?

Missouri, Utah, Oregon, California....

I lived in Colorado more years than I care to remember and thought it was an awful place to live.

To each his/her own. I think it is one of the best places in the US to live. But I wish more people thought like you. The traffic is starting to get nasty here.

The climate is horrible

I think it's one of the best climates in the US. The summers aren't too god awful like they are in the south (it is actually cool at night, and there is no humidity, so it doesn't feel like you're breathing through a sweater), and the winters are fairly mild compared to most of the midwest and east (it snows, but the snow actually melts after a day or two). It does get a tad windy here. To be honest, I don't think there's a worse climate in the US than the south in the summer, although their winters are decent.

and the total lack of manners prevalent there was something I was completely unable to adapt to.

Such as?

If you practiced southern hospitality people suspected ulterior motives.

I like the south, but not everyone there is perfectly polite.

Maybe its just one of those things..."you can take the girl out of the south but you can't take the south out of the girl." I am thankful to be back where barbecue is pork, tea is sweet and people talk right and are actually civil to strangers. Most folks go to church and filthy language is NOT the norm.

Now the difference is I didn't degrade the south in any way (except for maybe the crack on the Waffle House cooks, but that can apply anywhere...heck, the only Waffle House I've ever been to was in Illinois). I like it down there. I think the people are decent, for the most part, and the food is good, but I don't think it is some type of paradise. In fact, the only time I've been to Houston (that is the south, right?), the people there were far from polite, and I hate that city to this very day, but not the whole region. And most people I know do go to church and fithly language certainly isn't the norm, unless they're pissed off.

[Nate505]

You can KEEP colorado as far as I am concerned to damb many people, RUDE, NO THANKS............

We will keep Colorado.....and just about every state in the union has too many people compared to South Dakota....there's one thing I don't understand. I never said anything like 'Colorado is the greatest state in the union and all you rubes who live somewhere else are pathetic.' I just said that I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. When someone says that about Georgia or Alabama or Wyoming or Ohio or wherever, I don't take offense or even care....why do you?

[Middle Man]

You know the look.

[sweetliberty]

"The traffic is starting to get nasty here."

Starting? I could hardly bear to leave the house if I had to drive to the city, which I often did.

"The summers aren't too god awful ...and there is no humidity"

All 5 weeks of it. We had a saying, there are 2 seasons in Colorado, winter and July. And the lack of humidity had me wheezing all the time. I felt like the environment was sucking all the moisture out of my body. It was a ghastly feeling.

While I agree that some parts of the south can be almost unbearable in summer, most parts of the south have 4 distinct seasons and when one is over it doesn't return until the following year. I have lived in 4 southern states and personally I think the climate in Arkansas is as close to perfect as anywhere I could imagine.

"Such as?"

For example; I worked with people who went out of their way to be rude and offensive, sometimes even cruel to others. Not only was their behavior tolerated, it was applauded by some in management. I could hardly make it through a day of work without tears (and in case you are wondering, it was not always directed at me...although any challenge to their behavior put you immediately in the line of fire). I have seen some of the most deplorable manners in the country in Colorado. I work for the same company here and its like a different world. Some of what had been tolerated there would be cause for immediate termination here. And like I said, that is just one example.

"not everyone there is perfectly polite."

No argument there.

"the only time I've been to Houston (that is the south, right?), the people there were far from polite, and I hate that city to this very day"

Well, you might get some argument as to what parts of Texas qualify as the south proper and I don't blame you about Houston. Anyplace with that many people is not a pleasant place to be in my opinion. In fact, I consider a town with much over 2000 people bordering on too big. And big cities everywhere have been pretty much bastardized to the lowest common denominator.

"I didn't degrade the south in any way"

I didn't mean it as degrading although I may come across that way. My daughter and grandson still live there, although I'd sure like to get them out. I just don't think it's a healthy environment, at least it certainly wasn't for me. Colorado is beautiful, and I'll admit that there are a few things I miss. The whitewater rafting was great and there are some fantastic camping spots....although there are here as well. The Museum of Natural History there is unequalled in my experience. And while I didn't like the state as a whole, I did like the town I lived in.

[yankhater]

"Y'all got a much better knowledge of Suthron Lit than I...please bump me to future threads--or past--wherein y'all go into more detail about Faulkner"

Hi. I went to Ole Miss where Faulkner is revered like a god. There is a stupid statue of him on a bench by the Square near the book store where all the liberal profs make you buy their books, and his house is now owned by the University.

But in my opinion Faulkner is very over-rated. He actually hated the School and was drunk most of the time. He could be seen walking the streets and looked like an unkempt begger. And his books for the most part are ridiculously boring.

[Mudboy Slim]

"...in my opinion Faulkner is very over-rated. He actually hated the School and was drunk most of the time. He could be seen walking the streets and looked like an unkempt begger. And his books for the most part are ridiculously boring."

For now, I'll have to take yer word for it as I'm so far behind on my "To Read" list, I don't see me delving into Faulkner anytime soon. Still, I've heard some good things about him, too, and will have to eventually learn for myself. Since you believe Faulkner is over-rated, who are some Southern authors you believe to be under-rated?

FReegards...MUD

[1 FELLOW FREEPER]

Faulkner musta peed down yankhaters leg er sumpin...that was the worst trashing of a great writer I evuh done read Whew!!!!

[Mudboy Slim]

"Faulkner musta peed down yankhaters leg er sumpin'..."

Yea...I feel almost like I walked in at the tail end of a long debate...LOL!! But I do know that yankhater's an Ole Miss alum, so maybe he's meaning "over-rated" as a sort of "He ain't no Diety" comment. I hail from the University of Virginia where Thomas Jefferson is even more glorified, and sometimes I gotta take that with a grain of salt. I love and respect Ol' T.J., but when you heard how perfect he was all the time, the orneriness in me took over and I had to find chinks in the facade.

FReegards...MUD

[1 FELLOW FREEPER]

My dad was editor of the Faulkner Studies program at the University of Virginia (1958-59)....the plot thickens!

[yankhater]

I wrote a research paper on Faulkner. I need to dig it up. The people around Oxford, MS, generally don't like the man. Partly it was because he ridiculed them as well as the town and the University. Yet, he based his books on those very same people. Admittedly, I have not read too much of his stuff. I kind of like Eudora Welty's (another local) writing better, and she was a flaming Liberal. BTW another interesting connection. John Grisham owns a big home in Oxford overlooking the campus. He also maintains a residence in Charlottesville, home of one of the few ACC schools I can stomach. Grisham upset some of the Mississippi locals by telling them he preferred the culture of Virginia to Mississippi.

[1 FELLOW FREEPER]

Faulkner had a profound distrust of intellectuals(so-called). However, in my estimation, he had a strong like for southerners. When he wrote of the downfall of the southern aristocrats ie.those who were productive and hard working, it was done as a tragedy, not with contempt. The Snopes family were portryed as the white trash interlopers from the north, and he really portrayed them as the devil.

[Mudboy Slim]

"John Grisham owns a big home in Oxford overlooking the campus. He also maintains a residence in Charlottesville, home of one of the few ACC schools I can stomach. Grisham upset some of the Mississippi locals by telling them he preferred the culture of Virginia to Mississippi."

That whole CharlottesvilleSurrounds sub-culture is pretty WeirdoLefty and apparently Grisham's a big part of that. There are a number of musicians and HollyWeirdos living around there, and it's not at all typical of the conservatism found elsewhere in the State.

FReegards...MUD

[ladtx]

Once laughed at a girl whose nickname, (or I supposed it was a nickname) was Poodoo. She kicked my ass.

[ladtx]

?i?Yea.. What about subs and steaks and do they know what a bagel is down yonder??/i??p? Yea .. heard of ?em. But prefer Po? Boys, cowboy steak, and Southern Maid donuts.

[lowbridge]

http://home.houston.rr.com/surrenderownz/auction.htm

[Constitution Day]

Bump this thread, or I'll kick your ass.

[CroftonFreeper]

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

LOL