FREEPER FUNNIES/Add Your Own

If they have any intuition at all they already know it.

;~D

Here are some interesting mistranslations:

In a Belgrade elevator
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

A doctor's office in Rome
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Rome laundry
Ladies, leave your clothes here & spend the afternoon having a good time.

On a menu of a Polish hotel
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire
If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

Ad for donkey rides in Thailand
Would you like to ride your own ass?

In a Czech tourist agency
Take one of our horse driven tours---we guarantee no miscarriages.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

A temple in Bangkok.
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.

In a Bangkok cleaners
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a hotel in Yugoslavia
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Paris hotel elevator
Please leave your values at the front desk.

#21. If'n there ain't grits on the plate, it ain't breakfast!

A woman goes to a grocery store late at night. She get's a loaf of bread, gallon of milk, some cat food and a head of lettuce.
An obviously intoxicated man strolls by, looks at her and her purchases for a few seconds and says "I bet your single".
The woman looks at her items and can't understand how he could deduce this simply by what she has bought. She says to the man "Why yes, I am single. How could you tell that?"
The man replies "'cause you're uglier than S***!"

Church Bulletin Bloopers

1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.

5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.

8) Ushers will eat latecomers.

9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Good one!!!! Thanks for the ping!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like h**l. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a h**l of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Small amendment: 4. should be: If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along presently.

This is a modification of the original "How Many FReepers Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb" and incorporates some of the responses. I was unable to find the link to the original thread. Although it obviously predates 2001, it is still one of the funniest things I've read in awhile....and SO true; a real microcosm of FReepdom!

Q: How many Freepers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,844

1 to notify someone that the bulb had burned out!
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the board that the light bulb has been changed;
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently;
27 to point out the government regulations covering light bulb changing;
53 to say it is their light bulb, and they have a constitutional right to change it any way they please;
41 to complain about the light bulb tax;
7 to explain how the Democrats are using the money from the light bulb tax to buy votes;
6 to say the Republicans are no different than the Democrats because they haven't repealed the light bulb tax;
6 to defend the Republicans by saying they have tried to repeal the light bulb tax, but they can't override Clinton's veto;
156 to list the difference between a a Gore light bulb, a Bush light bulb, and a Buchannan light bulb;
111 to ask why the Keyes light bulb was ommitted and accuse everyone else of a Keyes light bulb blackout;
109 to post that this site is not about light bulbs and to please post this on the FR light bulb site;
203 to complain that this is a duplicate posting, and link to the original light bulb changing thread;
306 to complain about Wal-Mart selling light bulbs made by slave labor in China;
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs;
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and the post the corrected URL's;
3 to post information showing how the Clinton/Gore administrations has put our national security at risk by allowing China to steal our lightbulb technology in return for illegal campaign contributions;
33 to wonder out loud if an intern is helping Clinton change his light bulbs;
19 to say Hillary has probably never changed a light bulb in her life;
12 to say Vince Foster was changing Hillary's light bulb when he died;
4 to accuse the original poster of being a disrupter who has only been a member of FR for two days;
44 to organize a "freep the veep" light bulb rally;
4 to accuse the mainstream media of ignoring this story to help Al Gore and the Democrats, and say "What kind of coverage do you think this would get if it were a Republican?"
143 to post messages that say "GO, PAT, GO!" in bold text.
4 to complain that the light bulb is a useless vanity item, chewing up electricity (bandwidth)
5 to say that changing a light bulb proves that light arises naturally and thus was not created by God, followed by
12 who respond that only an intelligent designer can create light bulbs.
1 to post a very obtuse, long-winded article claiming the Founders could not have anticipated "The Light Bulb Queston" and therefore the current Supreme Court rulings controlled the issue.
20 to complain that the light bulb was screwed in wrong
15 to proclaim that someone on the thread is a nazi
1 to post a "Caption This" thread of the Freeper who changed the lightbulb.
259 who post that it is no accident that light bulbs must be screwed in to the "RIGHT" to light up; moving (rotating) the bulb to the "LEFT" brings darkness.........
12 Libertarian posters that would point out that changing burned out light bulbs may not be mandatory
1 to post a thread complaining that someone banned a perfectly good light bulb.
1 more to say we should all be using Linux light bulbs
1 who will quote "That it is better to change the lightbulb than sit and curse the darkness." They will then add the chapter and verse from the biblical text which will verify this quotation.
2 who say Rush talked about light bulbs on his show and
3 who say that Rush is in the pocket of the lightbulb industry anyway, he's lost credibility on this issue
1 who mentions that we have no domestic lightbulb industry left and that all bulbs are made overseas.
16 freepers saying BTTT,as should be done with this fantastic post.
7 to quote Al Gore claiming he invented the light bulb.
5 to agree that the lightbulb is evidence of Project Echelon.
1 to leave FR in a huff over the light bulb issue and start her own, dimmer, light bulb site.
1 to post a new thread titled: "Changing the light bulb - thread II";
9 to post Al Gore's statement that he was assigned to front line light bulb changing duty in Vietnam;
4 pointing out spelling errors
5 others trying to impress us with their HTML abilities but adding nothing to the importance of changing a light bulb properly, including
24 to go to the Yahoo contingency site to announce the burning out and replacement of the bulb.
1 to call Rush and inform him of the tragedy of the burned out bulb
40 to praise JimRob for the new light bulb
4 to start a fundraiser to pay for the new light bulb...
27 to say that if you went to public school you wouldn't know how to change a bulb.
15 to debate whether the lightbulb was predestined to burn out
1 to post an animated gif file of a lightbulb.
1 post from Registered of a custom graphic involving a light bulb.
1 post from JimRob explaining why 50 messages were deleted and 8 Freepers were banned.

Small amendment for #55. JEAT? Did you eat something?

bump for later read.

what about "feraspill?" e.g., siddown feraspill, and gitcha'a bar?

That post reminds me--

Why does it take 3 women with PMS to screw in a light bulb?

IT JUST DOES!

Mornin' y'all. I thought y'all would enjoy this thread. There is some really funny stuff here!

Ways to annoy people:

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3) Insist that your e mail address is: xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN."

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Don't use any punctuation

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are.

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

17) Sing Along at the opera.

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

20) Send e mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

23) Call the psychic hotline and just say "Guess"

24) Contact the NAACP and ask them if they accept donations payable by confederate money.

25) When the money comes out of the ATM, Scream "I Won!" "I won!" 3rd time this week!!!

26) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they are loose!"

27) Tell your boss, " It's not the voices in my head that bothers me, its the voices in your head that do"

28) Tell your children over dinner. " Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go"

29) Every time you see a broom yell "honey, your mother is here."

SOUTHERN TOURISM BUREAU COMMUNIQUE TO ALL VISITING NORTHERNERS AND NORTHEASTERN URBANITES:

1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hrs a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them they'll kick your a**.

2. Don't laugh at our Southern names. (i.e., Merlene, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick a**.

3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here its called coke. Nobody gives a flying d**n whether its pepsi, RC, Dr Pepper, 7Up or whatever - its a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an a** kicking.

4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your a**.

5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., fred Smith of FedEx, Turner Broadcasting, Wal-Mart, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgement (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough t let someone move to our state in order to run for the senate. If someone tried to do that we would kick their a**.

6. Don't laugh at our /Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving we will kick your a**.

7. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut up, spend your money, and get the h**l out of here - or we'll kick your a**.

8. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will know instantly that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your a**.

9. Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot and you will get your a** kicked.

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited northern hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your a** on home before it gets kicked.

11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone or we'll kick your a**.

12. Don't complain that the south is dirty and polluted. None of our lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about our scenic beauty and we will kick your a** all the way back into Boston Harbor.

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilizede people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grannies or they'll kick some manners into your a** just like they did ours.

14. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense not to live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore, or St. Louis. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your a**.

15. Last but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbeque. This will get your a** shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our sacred barbeque, and you go home in a pine box - minus your a**.

Addition to post #74 (How To Annoy People)

30) Repost the same jokes with a different title!

LOL! Oops! Sorry about that.

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilizede people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grannies or they'll kick some manners into your a** just like they did ours.
14. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense not to live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore, or St. Louis. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your a**.

Two reasons I have great respect for southern folk of the better persuasion, even if I can't figure out what the hell they're trying to say for a minute or two.

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, they took most of it.

3 to discuss the proper disposal of burned out light bulbs.

"3 to discuss the proper disposal of burned out light bulbs."

11 more to point out things that were omitted from the original list. LOL!