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FREEPER FUNNIES/Add Your Own
FReepers
| January 1, 2002
Posted on 01/01/2002 12:07:51 AM PST by sweetliberty
Vanity with a purpose: FReepers, post some of the funniest stuff you've run across this past year for some big laughs to start the new year!
There are a few on this list that are real good comebacks for liberals!
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!
- I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s**t.
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
- How about never? Is never good for you?
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
- It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
- Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again...
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a d**n.
- I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
- It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
- And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
- Do I look like a people person?
- This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
- I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
- Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
- A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
- Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
- Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
- Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
- Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: jokes
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To: sweetliberty
To: sweetliberty
LOL! $500 was a steal!
To: wirestripper
This one's cute:
To: sweetliberty
A bit lengthy, but hilarious. (Be warned: poorly concealed Anglo-Saxonisms follow. I used the 19th-century journalistic convention of omitting the vowels in potentially offensive words.)
It was the first day of school, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response except: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now who said that?"
Suzuki said, "George Bush to the Japanese prime minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh, yeah? S-ck this!"
Suzuki jumped out of his chair, waving his hand, and shouted to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh-t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Suzuki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh cr-p, we're f-cked," and Suzuki said, "The Taliban, 2002!"
To: sweetliberty
bttt
125
posted on
01/21/2002 9:01:48 AM PST
by
demsux
To: demsux
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
- For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
- Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
- The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
- New seats would force everyone to have the same back-end size.
- The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
- Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
- GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
- Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
- You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
To: sweetliberty
As per your request, here's that top ten list. Acknowledgement: it really was a Top Ten list on The Late Show with David Letterman:
Top Ten Signs Your Spouse May Be Having An Online Affair
10. Lately she sits at the computer naked
9. After signing off, she always has a cigarette
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up
6. She's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software"
4. Lipstick on the mouse
3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's @$$
And, the number one sign your spouse is having an online affair...
1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear
To: BluesDuke
"it really was a Top Ten list on The Late Show with David Letterman" I kind of gathered that, but it was new to me. Besides, a lot of the stuff that is posted on this thread isn't new, just good.
To: sweetliberty
Here's one that wasn't a Letterman list but still appropos for (*he chokes*) the coming Super Bowl...
The Top Ten Things Revealed By Instant Replay in the NFL
10. Left foot inbounds, right foot in bounds, soft money all over the goddamned place.
9. Missing Mars lander found next to the Gatorade.
8. Referee to players after the coin toss: "Is that your final answer?"
7. Several replays with the quarterback lining up under the center are blacked out in Mississippi due to a new law there.
6. Satan grinning while waving contracts at the owners of the two teams.
5. Bud putting a cap in Bud Light's @$$.
4. After a nasty sack, the tackle apologises by slipping the quarterback some tongue.
3. The flight path of the touchdown pass proves it was thrown from the grassy knoll.
2. Tennessee's mascot is really a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.
And, the number one thing revealed by instant replay in the NFL....
1. Hey! That's Janet Reno at linebacker!
To: sweetliberty
Now, to give equal time to the Old Ball Game...
The Top Ten Things You'd Have Found If They Slipped An X-Ray Into The Radar Gun......are you ready?
10. Gaylord Perry mistook his K-Y jelly for his deodorant.
9. Nolan Ryan's fastball was injected with steroids.
8. Chan Ho Park was kidnapped in his rookie season, and that was a stunt double giving up all those home runs.
7. If you cut the Colorado Rockies' bats open you'd find them stuffed with pulverised John Denver records.
6. Don Sutton didn't doctor the ball - he sent it to his anesthesiologist.
5. Man-eating piranha in McCovey's Cove.
4. Sharks in the Arizona Diamondbacks' right center field swimming pool.
3. The Anaheim Angels are really the original Mickey Mouse Clubs kids.
2. The Texas Rangers' pitching staff is really the 1962 Mets' infield.
And, the number one thing you'd find if they slipped an X-ray into the radar gun...
1. That nuclear waste you thought you detected was just David Wells's lunch.
Well...I tried...
To: sweetliberty
Here's a Letterman list which appeared the week before Christmas:
The Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Getting A Christmas Bonus
10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out"
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap" appeared 78 times
And, the number one sign you weren't getting a Christmas bonus...
1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets
To: sweetliberty
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
To: null and void
""This year I'm taking Earline with me." ROTFL! Hehehehe.
To: null and void
If The Airlines Sold PaintCustomer (CU): Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk (CL): Well, sir, that all depends.
CU: Depends on what?
CL: Actually, a lot of things.
CU: How about giving me an average price?
CL: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
CU: What's the difference in the paint?
CL: Oh, there isn't any difference, it's all the same paint.
CU: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.
CL: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?
CU: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
CL: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
CU: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?
CL: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
CU: You've got to be kidding!
CL: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.
CU: What do you mean, check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of the stuff, I can see it right there.
CL: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.
CU: You mean the price went up while we were talking?
CL: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?
CU: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.
CL: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
CU: What?
CL: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.
CU: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid for it!
CL: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.
CU: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night?
CL: Yes, sir, it will.
CU: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.
CL: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. And thanks for painting with our airlines.
To: sweetliberty
We are all too serious today. This needs a bump for Superbowl funnies.
135
posted on
02/04/2002 4:48:25 PM PST
by
Ronin
To: Ronin
The "Two Cow Explanation" of What Makes ...
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor
A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN-STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN-STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN-STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5,000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1,000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
To: null and void
Conservative Bumper StickersVOTE DEMOCRAT or we will pull your file
Ignore the Media...Think for yourself.
STOP SOCIALISM.... IMPEACH CLINTON!
I THINK, THEREFORE I VOTE REPUBLICAN
"Annoy a liberal, Work Hard and Smile."
If Clinton's against it, it MUST be good.
It takes a village to raise an idiot.
Poor Bill...Stuck with Hillary!
Poor Hillary...Stuck with Bill!
Poor US...Stuck with both of em!
"Earth First! We'll log the other planets later."
Gotta Over Regulate Everything
After finishing taxes, I owed the IRS $1.46. I'm sure at least $500 was spent to file my check.
Ever notice how all the "CELEBRATE DIVERSITY" bumper stickers look the same?
PLEASE WORK HARDER! THERE ARE MILLIONS ON WELFARE COUNTING ON YOU.
"I'm not politcally correct I AM RIGHT"
FIGHT CRIME... SHOOT BACK!
Asking government to fight greed is like asking Adolph Hitler to fight racism.
AMERICA DOES NOT OWE YOU A LIVING.
"Clinton for President--Anything to get him the hell out of Arkansas!"
"Stop global whining."
VOTE REPUBLICAN ITS LESS TAXING
If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
"A Liberal knows as much about Economics as Hitler did about Human Rights."
Spotted Owls taste like chicken.
Be a hero, save a whale. Save a baby, go to jail.
Money's not everything, But it will keep the DNC in touch
Nancy picked the silverware. Barbra picked the China. Hillary picked the Cabinet.
VOTE DEMOCRATIC: It's easier than getting a Job!
If We're Not Supposed to Eat Animals, Why Are They Made Out of Meat?
I am Clinton of Borg: Your wealth will be assimilated!
I LOVE ANIMALS.....THEY TASTE GREAT
"Gun Control Is Being Able To Hit Your Target"
"Only an 
would vote Democratic."
CLINTON'S Motel 1600 Call 1-800-DNC-DONR
Don't blame me! - I voted republican!
Friends don't let friends vote democrat.
"Save a Tree: Eat a Beaver."
"POLITICALLY CORRECT? - bite me!"
DON'T FEEL MY PAIN! FEEL MY WALLET... IT'S EMPTY!
"If we're RIGHT, what are you?"
CLINTON DIDN'T INHALE; HE JUST SUCKS!
To: null and void
You know you are in California if:
To: sweetliberty
bump....I'm glad I've only got a lemon operating system ("ME")....disclaimer: 'me' isn't however a lemon. : )
To: nicmarlo; All
Bttt.
Hope someone gets a smile from this blast from the past...
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