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If The Airlines Sold Paint

Customer (CU): Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk (CL): Well, sir, that all depends.

CU: Depends on what?

CL: Actually, a lot of things.

CU: How about giving me an average price?

CL: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

CU: What's the difference in the paint?

CL: Oh, there isn't any difference, it's all the same paint.

CU: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

CL: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

CU: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

CL: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

CU: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?

CL: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

CU: You've got to be kidding!

CL: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

CU: What do you mean, check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of the stuff, I can see it right there.

CL: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.

CU: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

CL: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

CU: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

CL: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

CU: What?

CL: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

CU: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid for it!

CL: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

CU: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night?

CL: Yes, sir, it will.

CU: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.

CL: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. And thanks for painting with our airlines.

Conservative Bumper Stickers

VOTE DEMOCRAT or we will pull your file

Ignore the Media...Think for yourself.

STOP SOCIALISM.... IMPEACH CLINTON!

I THINK, THEREFORE I VOTE REPUBLICAN

"Annoy a liberal, Work Hard and Smile."

If Clinton's against it, it MUST be good.

It takes a village to raise an idiot.

Poor Bill...Stuck with Hillary!
Poor Hillary...Stuck with Bill!
Poor US...Stuck with both of em!

"Earth First! We'll log the other planets later."

Gotta Over Regulate Everything

After finishing taxes, I owed the IRS $1.46. I'm sure at least $500 was spent to file my check.

Ever notice how all the "CELEBRATE DIVERSITY" bumper stickers look the same?

PLEASE WORK HARDER! THERE ARE MILLIONS ON WELFARE COUNTING ON YOU.

"I'm not politcally correct I AM RIGHT"

FIGHT CRIME... SHOOT BACK!

Asking government to fight greed is like asking Adolph Hitler to fight racism.

AMERICA DOES NOT OWE YOU A LIVING.

"Clinton for President--Anything to get him the hell out of Arkansas!"

"Stop global whining."

VOTE REPUBLICAN ITS LESS TAXING

If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

"A Liberal knows as much about Economics as Hitler did about Human Rights."

Spotted Owls taste like chicken.

Be a hero, save a whale. Save a baby, go to jail.

Money's not everything, But it will keep the DNC in touch

Nancy picked the silverware. Barbra picked the China. Hillary picked the Cabinet.

VOTE DEMOCRATIC: It's easier than getting a Job!

If We're Not Supposed to Eat Animals, Why Are They Made Out of Meat?

I am Clinton of Borg: Your wealth will be assimilated!

I LOVE ANIMALS.....THEY TASTE GREAT

"Gun Control Is Being Able To Hit Your Target"

"Only an would vote Democratic."

CLINTON'S Motel 1600 Call 1-800-DNC-DONR

Don't blame me! - I voted republican!

Friends don't let friends vote democrat.

"Save a Tree: Eat a Beaver."

"POLITICALLY CORRECT? - bite me!"

DON'T FEEL MY PAIN! FEEL MY WALLET... IT'S EMPTY!

"If we're RIGHT, what are you?"

CLINTON DIDN'T INHALE; HE JUST SUCKS!

You know you are in California if:

...it's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work and hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
...your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
...you can't remember... is pot legal?
...you've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.
...you can't remember... is pot legal?
...a really great parking space can move you to tears.
...your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
...you make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
...your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
...it's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about"THE STORM!"
...hey... is pot legal?
...over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los.
...two overcast days in a row drive you mad.
...a family of four owns six vehicles.
...everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over almost as soon as you realize what's happening.
...even if the store is across the street, you drive there.
...you walk into a gun shop, and the shelves are bare. Fact: over 90% of all hand guns offered for sale in the rest of the United States are illegal in the People's Republic of California: "safety," of course, not yours tho.
...the host of a party tries to introduce you to her house plants by name, and suggests a conversation in politics as she often seeks advice from them.
...you know at least 5 people who have lived more than a year in a tree.
...you go to a Renaissance Faire for the Lute Ensemble...and you see a group of disappointed teenagers wearing ski masks....(think about this one...LOL)
...when your car inspection station doesn't care if your brakes, lights or wipers don't work as long as your catalytic converter does.
...all your friends agree with you, but they still vote for Dimocrats.
...you can drive through neighborhoods where the signs change from English to Spanish, then to Korean, then finally to a language unknown anywhere else on this planet.
...in a toilet stall, you are not alone!
...smoking a cigarette is worse than having AIDS.
...a nun offers you oral sex.
...the guys in the bar are better looking than the gals.
...the only time you can drive to the beach and expect to find a place to park is at night.
...when you see sunburned, leathery, white-haired old ladies wearing hotpants.
...your gas meter moves faster than your speedometer.
...you can BBQ on New Years Eve.
...you can water ski and snow ski in the same day.
...you can wear shorts to go hiking in February.
...you have some of the best trout fishing on the planet, but it's all catch and release.
...you are in an out of control liberal state and Hillary is NOT your senator.
...when you speak English, Spanish, Korean, Mandarian, Cantonese, Vietnamese, Tagalog, Laotian, Hindi and Farsi, yet you STILL can't get the guy behind the counter to understand what it is that you want to buy!
...you live five miles from where you work and your commute takes you fourty five minutes one way.
...your kids come home with questions from their teachers asking how much money you make, whether you smoke or drink, whether you own guns, orwhether you have ever made disparaging comments about the government.
...when you are convinced you are in HELL!
...you buy some land and then can't build on it.
...the fastest part of your commute is down your driveway
...you were born somewhere else
...you know how to eat an artichoke
...the primary bugs that you worry about are electronic
...your car has bulletproof windows
...left is right and right is wrong
...your mouse has only one ball
...if you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick on up
...you dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by
...you can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it
...your family tree contains "significant others"
...your cat has it's own psychiatrist, n' is registered to vote.
...you don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
...HEY....is pot legal?
...you see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance
...more than clothes come out of the closets
...you go to a tanning salon before going to the beach
...your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse
...more money is spent on facelifts than on diapers
...you pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
...rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news
...you'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman
...you consult your horoscope before planning your day
...a glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery
...you drop your car keys in San Fran, and have to kick 'em all the way to Seattle before it's safe to bend over and pick 'em up.
...everyone you meet has a script they'd like you to read.
...there's more silicon in your girlfriend than in your computer.
...you can't swing a dead cat over your head without hitting a plastic surgeon.
...instead of business cards, everyone carries 8x10 glossies.
...the lead story at 11 is about a local girl who was an intern in DC.
...when every day is Halloween (especially in San Francisco).
...a burned out...errr light challenged lightbulb works as well as a new one, and it's a felony to change it.
...you can't afford to flip the switch to check.
...your neighbors go to a nuclear protest, but live next to a coal fired generating plant.
...yeah, you're sure...? pot is legal.