"women are more linguistically skilled"--maybe on average, but on average, men are more mathematically skilled. It's hard to imagine the SMH, or any other major newspaper, publishing that fact!
Anyway, I'm "linguistically skilled," I get most of the female jokes--they're just not funny.
What so damn funny about words? I don't know. Go ask that nihilist jerk George Carlin...
NeverGore :^)
BTW, Uncle Marty was also known as the bartender's bartender. With his slicked down hair, he looked every inch the bartender. So much so that he was often featured in bartender magazines.
Once Uncle Marty was driving us in the country. He was giving me a lecture on how to think up funny stories. He would say, "See that fence? See that cow? See that ditch? Right now make up a funny story about all three!" Of course, I couldn't but when I challenged him, Uncle Marty could always come up with a funny story. Soon afterwards, while we were passing a car on a two lane country road, we were run off the road by an oncoming car. Our car almost flipped over. Everybody was in a state of panic and we hardly stopped when Uncle Marty yelled at me, "QUICK! Make up a funny story about almost getting killed!"
Dun! Everyone knows women love cunning linquists.
One day an angel comes down, and explaining that the Lord has seen them to have been exemplary statues, He is granting them one hour of life.
With that the statues come alive and the angel reminds them that they have one hour to do anything they wish. The two statues immediately join hands, smile and run off into the bushes.
There is considerable rustling in the bushes and giggling, and the poor little angel is blushing, desparately trying not to imagine what is going on between the statues.
Thirty minutes later the statues emerge, flushed and smiling at each other. The angel them reminds them that they have an additional half hour of life. The male statue looks at the female statue and says "Do you want to do it again?"
The female replies, "OK, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on his head."
This guy has this parrot that really talks: it's not just a mindless mimick like the average parrot. Only problem is the damn thing cusses like a sailor. The guy's got a date over and the parrot is making all sorts of obscene and suggestive comments, or the minister is over for dinner and the parrot is taking the Lord's name in vain.
So one day the guy just gets fed up with this behavior. He grabs the parrot of its perch, takes it out to the garage, and shoves it in the deep freeze.
The parrot goes absolutely ape-sh!t. "SQUAAAAAWK, You S.O.B. Lemme the %^&* outa here!" and so on like that. But after a little while it quiets down and after a little while longer there's not a peep out of it.
Eventually the guy opens up the freezer and the parrot comes crawling out, obviously subdued and contrite. "O.K.," it says, "I get the point. No more cussing ever again. But first I gotta ask you one thing..."
"What the F--- did the CHICKEN do?"
New Zealand:And the men jokes are much better than the lame women jokes. I've heard this same joke only with women:A priest conducts a service in church "The person who puts the most in the church collection box can choose three hymns," he says. The collection box comes back after being filled up and he finds that someone has donated $1,000.
"Who has donated a thousand dollars?" he asks. A women raises her hand. The priest invites her to the front and tells her to choose three hymns. Pointing at the three most handsome men in the church she says: "I'll have him, him and him."
A woman runs home and bursts in yelling: "Pack your bags sweetheart, I've just won the lottery, all six numbers!" He says: "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" She replies: "I don't care ... just pack and shove off!"
Who did they use as test subjects for this study?
Because it was dead.
I don't understand it, but I thought that joke was hysterical the first time I heard it.
The best joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa, from Blackpool, goes like this: Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent ..."
This is indeed the funniest joke I have ever heard. As a matter of fact I once posted it on a humor thread on FR.
The doctor tells him to drop his pants and bend over so he can take a look.
After the patient complies, the doctor notices a piece of string sticking out of the guys ass, so he starts to pull it. More string came out and more and more.
The doctor keeps pulling on the string for quite a while, then finally a bouquet of flowers pops out of the guys ass.
The guy looks back astonished, and says "Where did that come from??!!
The doctor says I dunno, it doesn't have a card.