Posted on 12/16/2001 6:02:11 PM PST by Buckeroo
A Christmas Story: A Modern Twist on Firearms (2001) [Free Republic] FreeRepublic.com "A Conservative News Forum"
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written by Dave Workman
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`Twas the night before Christmas, cold, dark and foreboding,
As I sat at the work bench, quite busy reloading.
The empties from autumn were polished so clear
For primers and powder, and bullets from Speer
And Hornady's soft-points, and Nosler's Partitions
(MY bench ain't no place for brand name omissions!)
All sat in their boxes, right next to the press
With dies from Pacific, and RCBS
When all of a sudden there came such a jolt,
I grabbed for my Mossberg, and whipped out my Colt.
As I spilled Hodgdon's powder all over the shelf
I scrambled for cover, just to protect myself
From up on the rooftop, came hoofbeats and snorting
Like the noise out of L'il Rock, from Clinton's cavorting!
I eased off the safety, to press-check my auto
With 230-hardball, I'd knock 'em all blotto
Were these rogue federal agents, sent by Schumer and Reno?
Or a staggering Ted Kennedy, in bad need of Beano?
My question was answered with a knock, and some sneezing,
"It's Santa, you moron, lemme in there, I'm freezing!"
I flipped off the dead-bolt and threw the door wide,
To find St. Nick a'shivering, Rudolph by his side
He eyeballed my Springfield, with a nod of approval
"You're all set," he said, "for dirtball removal."
"But this is no raid, we're not here to harm you
Or persecute, prosecute or even disarm you"
Instead, said dear Santa, he needed to borrow
My .357, 'till day after tomorrow
"It's okay," he assured me, with a hint of frustration.
"I'm enrolled in the National Rifle Association"
He showed me his card, 'twas a Life Member rating
"I've had this since me and the missus were dating!"
"And you see, Dave ol' buddy, I've gotten real nervous
"Since Feinstein was elected, with a promise to serve us
"So henceforth as I'm out there, my presents a'stackin'
"I want to assure you, I'm legally packin'
"And my gift for you this year, should give you a hoot
"I've told the Supreme Court to give Brady the boot!
"Now, Rudy and I must be on our way"
He said, as he climbed back on the seat of his sleigh
With the reins in his hand, and my Smith in his pocket
He jingled the sleighbells and was off like a rocket
With a pair of speedloaders, and ammo to spare
I knew he'd be safe, he was loaded for bear
As he faded from view, I could still hear him calling
"From D.C., where 'P.C.' is already falling
"To bad guys in L.A., Detroit and Atlanta
"I'm licensed to carry. Don't be messin' with Santa!"
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'Twas the day after Christmas when Santa returned
He was looking quite happy, all trim and sunburned
His sleigh had been emptied, and I'll bet you're all guessin'
If he did the same thing to his borrowed Smith & Wesson
Well the fact of the matter is in need of reporting,
Like the press oughta do about Clinton's cavorting!
Seems Santa encountered some trouble 'long the way,
'Cause some not-too-bright dirtbags tried to hijack his sleigh
When he left Christmas Eve, he was ready for action
And he made real good time, thanks to reindeer hoof traction
He had rag dolls, and capguns, baseballs and bats.
New dresses, toy airplanes, and a few dogs and cats.
Seems these wannabe grinches thought they were hot shooters
So's a bunch of 'em tried to be Christmas gift looters
But the one thing they hadn't expected to meet
Was a licensed St. Nick, packin' full magnum heat.
The night was still young, when these dipwits appeared
Their caps all turned backwards; at least one had a beard.
They were trying to look vicious, as they stood in his path
He could tell in an instant that they needed a bath
One fool made a grab for Comet and Cupid,
But froze when St. Nick had yelled "Hold it, there, stupid!"
When he leveled my sixgun at this crazy-eyed fellow
The snow at his feet turned a pale shade of yellow
"It was over real quick," Santa said with a chuckle
As he hauled out my Smith from behind his belt buckle
"Never fired a shot, never pulled back the hammer
"Got the cops on my cell phone, and sent 'em all to the slammer"
After that much excitement, 'twas a rest Santa needed
So with his gift-giving, he quickly proceeded
And when he was finished, Santa issued this order:
"Rudolph, old pal, take us south of the border!"
So now he was rested, and this stop was his last one
And he made it real clear, that it must be a fast one
With my piece back in lockup, he said "Thanks for the loan
"Next year, rest assured, I'll be packin' my own"
And just what, did I wonder, might then Santa unlimber?
A Colt, Sig or Taurus, a Glock or a Kimber?
Perhaps Heckler & Koch, a Kahr or a Ruger?
A wheelgun from Rossi, a Walther or Luger?
"I'm not sure," replied Santa, as he scoped out the weather,
"But I'll contact your buddy, Mitch Rosen, for leather.
"And now, I must leave you, until late next December
"But Dave, I assure you, I will always remember
"You did me a favor, and that's one I owe you
"So when I get my own gat, I'll be certain to show you
"In the meantime, ol' buddy, I'll scream it, I'll shout it
"If you're licensed to carry, don't you leave home without it!"
Just tonight I used a line from that movie during supper. Seems as though I'm forever getting up to serve more food or check on something in the oven or whatever. Middle of dinner my spoon is halfway to my lips...daughter asks for more soup. Can you guess what I said? "My mother hasn't had a hot meal in 14 years"....LOL ...guess you had to be there, ya know?! ;o)
No trip to LA this Thanksgiving...I had my turkey in home in Florida!
"The beauty of the second amendment is that it will not be needed until they try to take it."
--Thomas Jefferson
"The ultimate civil right is the right to defend one's own life, that without that right all other rights are meaningless."
-- Prof. Robert Cottroll
"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws."
- Plato
It is proper to take alarm at the first experiment upon our liberties. We hold this prudent jealousy to be the first duty of citizens and one of the noblest characteristics of the late Revolution. The freemen of America did not wait till usurped power had strengthened itself by exercise and entangled the question in precedents. They saw all the consequences in the principle, and they avoided the consequences by denying the principle. We revere this lesson too much ...to forget it.
-- James Madison
"No free man shall ever be de-barred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain their right to keep and bear arms is as a last resort to protect themselves against tyranny in government."
Thomas Jefferson
"Laws that forbid the carrying of arms disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes. Such laws make things worse for the assaulted and better for the assailants; they serve rather to encourage than to prevent homicides, for an unarmed man may be attacked with greater
confidence than an armed man."
- Thomas Jefferson, quoting Cesare Beccaria in "On Crimes and Punishment" (1764).
"Arms in the hands of individual citizens may be used at individual discretion in private self-defense."
- John Adams, A Defense of the Constitutions of Government of the United States of America (1787-1788).
"When firearms go, all goes - we need them every hour."
- George Washington
"Firearms stand next in importance to the Constitution itself. They are the American people's liberty teeth and keystone under independence. From the hour the Pilgrims landed, to the present day, events, occurrences and tendencies prove that to ensure peace, security and happiness, the rifle and pistol are equally indispensable. The very atmosphere of firearms everywhere restrains evil interference - they deserve a place of honor with all that's good."
- George Washington
"Americans have the right and the advantage of being armed, unlike the citizens of other countries whose governtments are afraid to trust the people with arms."
--James Madison
"I ask you sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people, except for a few public officials."
--George Mason
"To disarm the people is the best and most effectual way to enslave them."
--George Mason
"Necessity is the plea of every infringement of human freedom. It is the arguement of tyrants, it is the creed of slaves."
--William Pitt
"There are people who would rather see a woman raped and strangled with her own pantyhose than see her defend herself with a gun"
-- L. Neil Smith
C+???!?!?!?!?
Hope you and yours have a wonderful and porsperous New Year!
This one is nice, too, from the 1997 Fayetteville Observer:
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Sunday, Dec. 21, 1997
12 Days of Christmas can yield lots of stuff
By Jim Pettit
Assistant sports editor
OK, Im no Mitch Miller, but break out your holiday singing voice, don your camouflage Sammy Claws suit, and dust off your decibels in a new sporting version of that holiday sing-along standard, the Twelve Days of Christmas:
On the First Day of Christmas, the sportsman peeked to see: A cartridge in a bare tree.
On the Second Day of Christmas, the sportsman peeked to see: Two Ragg wool gloves, and a cartridge in a bare tree.
On the Third Day of Christmas, the sportsman peeked to see: Three Skoal tins, two Ragg wool gloves, and a cartridge in a bare tree.
On the Fourth Day of Christmas, the sportsman peeked to see: Four falling doves, three Skoal tins, two Ragg wool gloves, and a cartridge in a bare tree.
On the Fifth Day of Christmas, the sportsman peeked to see: Five new...scope... rings, four falling doves, three Skoal tins, two Ragg wool gloves, and a cartridge in a bare tree.
On the Sixth Day of Christmas, the sportsman peeked to see: Six deer a-ruttin, five new...scope...rings, four falling doves, three Skoal tins, two Ragg wool gloves, and a cartridge in a bare tree.
On the Seventh Day of Christmas, the sportsman peeked to see: Seven bass a-bustin, six deer a-ruttin, five new...scope...rings, four falling doves, three Skoal tins, two Ragg wool gloves, and a cartridge in a bare tree.
On the Eighth Day of Christmas, the sportsman peeked to see: Eight Jeeps a-jostlin, seven bass a-bustin, six deer a-ruttin, five new...scope...rings, four falling doves, three Skoal tins, two Ragg wool gloves, and a cartridge in a bare tree.
On the Ninth Day of Christmas, the sportsman peeked to see: Nine labs retrieving, eight Jeeps a-jostlin, seven bass a-bustin, six deer a-ruttin, five new...scope...rings, four falling doves, three Skoal tins, two Ragg wool gloves, and a cartridge in a bare tree.
On the Tenth Day of Christmas, the sportsman peeked to see: Ten ducks a-diving, nine labs retrieving, eight Jeeps a-jostlin, seven bass a-bustin, six deer a-ruttin, five new...scope...rings, four falling doves, three Skoal tins, two Ragg wool gloves, and a cartridge in a bare tree.
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, the sportsman peeked to see: Eleven bows bending, ten ducks a-diving, nine labs retrieving, eight Jeeps a-jostlin, seven bass a-bustin, six deer a-ruttin, five new...scope...rings, four falling doves, three Skoal tins, two Ragg wool gloves, and a cartridge in a bare tree.
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, the sportsman peeked to see: Twelve hunters stalking, eleven bows bending, ten ducks a-diving, nine labs retrieving, eight Jeeps a-jostlin, seven bass a-bustin, six deer a-ruttin, five new...scope...rings, four falling doves, three Skoal tins, two Ragg wool gloves, and a cartridge in a bare tree.
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Give yourself a round of applause. What great voices you have, matched only by the Belching Moose (uh oh!)Haberdashery Choir in Fargo, N.D.
Now, go cheerfully into the holidays and another year of outdoors recreation and adventure.
Jim Pettit can be reached at 486-3536 or otsports@foto.infi.net
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Were these rogue federal agents, sent by Schumer and Reno?
Or a staggering Ted Kennedy, in bad need of Beano?
My question was answered with a knock, and some sneezing,
"It's Santa, you moron, lemme in there, I'm freezing!"
Fav...and a big thanks for the picture. I LOVE that silly movie.
Robert, this is a must read.
Thanks for the ping and Merry Christmas to ya
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.