How does one cope with the loss of a Wife from suicide?

Self

[vetvetdoug]

How does one cope with the loss of a loved one from suicide (the what ifs?)? How can someone with so much life, love and vitality leave with so much to live for, including a three year old daughter, end one's own life? How do you deal with the gossip associated with such a tragedy? What legal traps are there when dealing with the aftermath, such as bills, legal issues, small things that can come back to haunt one after the fact? Suely someone here can address or post a link to a site that addresses these issues in a direct manner.

[Nita Nupress]

Find a good support group, doug. And keep reaching out to others around you who will help you get through this (like posting this thread). The last thing you want to do is to bottle things up and not have an emotional release. Your daughter needs you now more than ever, and you can't help her if you fall apart. Be strong, but allow yourself to vent at the same time. That's what's so great about support groups. Everyone understands exactly what you're going through. You get to release all that sadness, angst, and anger, then you can go home and be emotionally strong for your daughter.

Suicide never makes sense to the survivors. It's a stupid and selfish act that leaves all the loved ones with many unanswered questions and tons of uneccesary and unwarranted guilt. It does help to realize that most people who commit such a selfish act are clinically sick and not fully capable of seeing their life situation for what it is.

Although age three is too young to think abstractly, hug her and love her and try your hardest to make her understand that Mommy didn't do this because of anything she did or didn't do. Three-year-olds think very concretely; your goal right now and in the years ahead should be to keep her from internalizing this as somehow being her (or your) fault. Or that she (or you) could have prevented it.

Help your daughter fight the "If only" thinking as she gets older. Mommy was sick. She was not in her right mind. She was not capable of making decisions because of her sickness.

Don't rule out play therapy with a qualified therapist; perhaps not now but when she's a little older. Studies have shown that children who have a parent who committed suicide are more likely to do the same, apparently because they learn that suicide becomes an "acceptable" method of escape or coping.

I hope this helps. May God be with you and your daughter in the days ahead. (((( Hugs! ))))

[wimpycat]

Ooooh, I wish I knew what to say to you. Shock, denial, anger, depression and acceptance are the 5 stages of grief. I'm sure you're going to be very angry with her for a long time. Don't be afraid of your anger; it's very natural, even when someone dies naturally. When someone dies, especially this way, all kinds of weird feelings arise. All I can say is don't be afraid of your feelings and don't try to squelch them, but find a way to express them in a way that won't scare or confuse your daughter too much.

I would suggest professional grief counseling for you and your daughter and a support group for suicide survivors. Ask for a recommendation from a hospital, your family doctor, or someone else you have faith in to steer you towards a reputable counselor and support group, not a bunch of quacks.

Cry a lot. Don't hold back the tears. I don't know if that's good advice to give to a man, but most women know that a "good cry" can let out a lot of feelings and keep them from building up to the breaking point.

I'm truly sorry for you and your family. People kill themselves for all sorts of reasons and there aren't any easy answers.

Lots of us will be praying for you and I'm sure you have friends that will be very understanding, but professional grief counseling for both you and your daughter and a support group can help you in a way your friends and family won't be able to.

[South Dakota]

endure,endure ,endure. take life 5 minutes at a time to get along,two minutes at a time,1 minute at time.Do not dwell on shoulda,coulda,would haves. Take time out to be happy in simple things

[Osinski]

Such sadness and grief. You have your daughter as she has you. Take time to think. Your feelings need to be. My heartfelt sympathy and good wishes. This pain will pass and life will go on. Please take the time to heal.

[LeeMcCoy]

I'm so sorry. There are no words adequate to comfort you during this time...just know that many are praying for you and your precious daughter. The Lord is faithful. He will take care of you both.

[Cicero]

Well, I've read the advice from other Freepers, and taking it all together I can't think of a thing to add. There's a lot of wisdom there. My prayers and sympathy for you and your daughter.

[FR_addict]

Was she on any type of drugs? Some of the anti-depression drugs have the opposite effect.

I wish you and your daughter well.

[karebare]

I'm praying for you and your little girl. Suicide is a very selfish thing to do.

[TexanaRED]

My heart is breaking for you. I don't really have any advice on how to cope with this. You and your baby girl will be in my prayers.

[Movemout]

Persevere my friend. You have a daughter depending on you. Gossip means nothing. Focus on the things that present themselves and battle on. You will find out who your true friends are. Lean on them when you need to. My prayers are with you and your daughter.

[Sweet Hour of Prayer]

You're doing the best thing, right now, to lessen the pain. Sharing the tragedy and allowing others who have had similar experiences, tell you how they recovered. Don't be embarassed, or prideful and hide it. Sure, there will be those who will think their unkind thoughts... these people haven't been perfected with God's love and He will deal with their lack of love on an individual basis.

Seek God and He will comfort you. I spent a lot of time reading the book of Psalms when experiencing absolute despair. The Psalmist, David, knew a great deal about despair and more importantly, how to respond to it in a Godly fashion.

It really works, my friend. Let God turn this tragedy into a time that brings you, your daugher and all those you know personally, close to God.

Loving prayers for you, your daughter, and those around you who need to provide support.

[borkrules]

"In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God." - - Aeschylus

I pray you will be granted a measure of that grace.

[Pharmboy]

You've got Freepmail.

[Pharmboy]

You've got Freepmail.

[SunnyUsa]

I agree with what someone said before, that most likely she suffered from long term depression.

I worked with a man who was married only about one year, very hardworking, new house etc....came home from work and his young wife had killed herself earlier that day .

We were all so shocked, and we learned later that he had been dealing with her long term depression for years (even as they dated).

She apparently never wanted to be found, since she did it when he left for work, so there was little chance for him to save her....

They had no children...

IF there is any thing good to say about this horrible tragedy is THANK GOD every day she didn't kill her little 3 yr old daughter too.

Those type murder/suicides are so sickening, and your wife at least never harmed her baby.

I hope you are able to find support in your CHURCH, Family and FRIENDS....GoD will help you find the way to help your daughter and yourself.

For now I would just tell the little one Mommy was very very sick...it will never be easy but you will find the way to live with this and go on.

I hope many FREEPERS remember you and your family in their prayers! Take Care

[mombonn]

I'm so sorry for you and your daughter, and will be praying for you both, and your wife's family.

Look to the Lord, and your local congregation for help and comfort. If you don't have a church home, ask God to help you find one.

[WIladyconservative]

My son's best friend's father committed suicide a few weeks ago. We found the best way to handle it with our son was to make sure he had the facts, but not the details or our emotional baggage. He knows that this person did not die a natural death, but that's all (my son's 9). Answer any question your daughter has in an honest, age-appropriate way. At that age NOTHING is forever, so you'll have to reinforce that mom is NOT coming back, but in a gentle way.

I am in no position to give advice (having never gone through losing one so close, to suicide), but I'll make an observation. The people I know who have survived this type of event as intact and relatively unscarred people, are the people who put their children's/family's needs first. It must be very easy to wrap up in a coocoon of despair and desolation after such a tragedy. Moving outward, attending to the child's needs first, gives one a sense of purpose and balance. Do NOT ignore your own needs, simply allow room for that dear child who is suffering in a way one can't imagine.

I pray God holds you close and gives you peace.

[VeritatisSplendor]

I am so very sorry. My father committed suicide almost 30 years ago when I was a child. It took more than 10 years to put my life back together. There are groups like Suicide Survivors or Survivors of Suicide - my brother went to one.

There's shock and grief and there will be anger and it will last a long time. Try to remember that your wife must have been suffering greatly and that the illness that killed her died with her. Please don't blame yourself at all or think you should have seen or done something.

It can be hard to say that someone you love committed suicide. It takes practise. But in the long run it's easier than shame and hiding it.

Your daughter is so very little. All she knows right now is that mommy is gone. Understanding death will take time, and understanding suicide much longer. She'll probably feel abandoned and betrayed at some point. I can only say, try to give her her mother in memory. Talk about her, show pictures, remember her at holidays. Keep up with your wife's family - there is so much of her in them and your daughter will need that. Try to make your wife's memory a natural part of your lives. Let your daughter talk when she needs to.

This is an enormous and overwhelming burden for you to bear. I pray for the Lord to send you and your daughter peace and ease your sorrow over time.

Mrs VS

[kpp_kpp]

for the three year old: "mommy was sick and died from her illness" (just as much as people with cancer, etc. sometimes die from their illnesses) - it isn't a lie or even a partial truth. believing that for yourself is a step in the right direction as well.

we live in a fallen world.