No woman I have ever met thinks its funny, but guys like it.
Regards,
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.
The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother.
Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch!
Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great.
He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"
Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says,
"You know, you f***ers are alright."
"But doctor, I can't afford $5,000 for an operation? What can I do?"
"Well, for $20 I can touch up your x-rays."
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Chit, what the he!! is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting Chit-faced.
CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb sow is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pizzes me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !
CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that sow Sally. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like chit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh S**t! Am I driving?"
Pope: Hey Cardinal, what's a four-letter word for a woman ending in _UNT?
Cardinal: Umm... AUNT.
Pope: Oh, OK. Got an eraser?
The bartender says to the Penguin: "I don't know. [pause, as he looks around the room]. What does he look like?"
I'm 35 now and at the age 24 I lost half of my leg and had the hip messed so badly they could do any thing for it. Spent 7 years in very serve pain, but I thought suregy wasn't the answer until a friend of mine who stepped on a landmine during Korea spent twenty years in pain then finally had his leg amputated, he wished he did it earlier too. I'm so glad for the surgey for I feel much better and not in pain anymore.
The therapy might pain in the terms of inconvence but in the long run it is worth it. I'm hope i'm not bringing you down too much, just giving some prespective here.
I hope thing work out with mother, Happy Holidays :)
A woman went for a face lift and the Dr. said there was a new technique called a "Knob". A knob is attached to the back of the neck, and everytime it looks like the skin is sagging, you simply twist the knob and the skin is pulled up a bit.
The woman said OK and consented to the surgery, and the knob was put in place on the back of her neck. Everything went fine. But one day she went back to the Dr. She said the knob was working fine and she was pleased that with a little twist of the knob, she could pull her skin up taut. BUT - she said she was developing these bags under her eyes. The Dr. said "Those aren't bags - those are your breasts!" "OH", she said ----- "Then that explains the goatee!!"
To Mom: Hope the knee replacement works fine. (I think I might be a candidate in the near/far future.) Hang in there ---everyone I've heard, who have had it done, are very pleased with the results -- once they get beyond that post-op period.
I bet you are going to be a very popular patient with the hospital staff with all these jokes! Hope you share them, so they can laugh too. LOL!
Sgt Lobo is addressing his platoon
Sgt Lobo: "Men, you have received your orders, and you're going to the Burma-Chinese theater of operations. I regret that I won't be accompanying you, but I will follow you in about 6 weeks. I have tried to teach you all how to be fine soldiers, and I think you'll do well there.
Before you go, there is one other thing I must tell you, specific to the theater.
You need to know about the HAIRY WATER SWAMP VIPER. (In singsong T.I. voice) The hairy water swamp viper is 3 to 3 and a half feet in length, inch to an inch in a quarter in diameter, covered with 3/8 inch hairs, colored orange, black, orange, black, orange, black. If you are crawling through the jungle, and you see the HWSV poised to strike, there is one and only one thing you can do. You must leap to your feet and place your left foot forward pointing at the snake, your right foot back and perpendicular to you left. Extend your left arm forward, palm parallel and facing the ground. Extend the first two fingers of your right hand and thrust them at the snake, running them along the snake, paralyzing it, rendering it harmless, and allowing you time to escape."
"Private ChemistCat, tell us everything you know about the HWSV!"
Pvt ChemistCat leaps to his feet and says: SIR! The hairy water swamp viper is 3 to 3 and a half feet in length, inch to an inch in a quarter in diameter, covered with 3/8 inch hairs, colored orange, black, orange, black, orange, black. If you are crawling through the jungle, and you see the HWSV poised to strike, there is one and only one thing you can do. You must leap to your feet and place your left foot forward pointing at the snake, your right foot back and perpendicular to you left. Extend your left arm forward, palm parallel and facing the ground. Extend the first two fingers of your right hand and thrust them at the snake, running them along the snake, paralyzing it, rendering it harmless, and allowing you time to escape."
Sgt Lobo: "Very good Pvt, be seated. Men, good luck, and God speed."
Off they go.
Six weeks later, Sgt Lobo arrives in-country, and visits some of his men in the hospital.
He comes to the first bed, and sees Cpl Smith. "Smith, how are you?"...etc
He visits for a time with several of the other men, when he spies a familiar name near the end of the ward. He's amazed to see it's Pvt ChemistCat.
Moving closer, he notes that ChemistCat is covered in bandages from head to toe.
Sgt Lobo: "CC, son, what the h*ll happened to you?"
Pvt ChemistCat: (in kind of pained, stressed voice) "Well Sgt, there I was, crawling through the jungle, when I saw it, 3 to 3 and a half feet in length, inch to an inch in a quarter in diameter, covered with 3/8 inch hairs, colored orange, black, orange, black, orange, black, poised to strike. I leapt to my feet and placed my left foot forward pointing at the snake, my right foot back and perpendicular to my left. Extended my left arm forward, palm parallel and facing the ground. Extended the first two fingers of my right hand and thrust them into the *sshole of the biggest tiger I have ever seen."
This joke is best told by an ex drill instructor while standing up and demonstrating what you should be doing.
A new employee is hired at the Tickle-Me-Elmo factory.
The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.
At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for making the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.
After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!"
1. Yo' momma's so fat, when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
2. Yo' momma's so fat, she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
3. Yo' momma's so fat, whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in!
4. Yo' momma's so fat, when she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun!
5. Yo' momma's so fat, her shoes have to have license plates!
6. Yo' momma's so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized!
7. Yo' momma's so fat, when she went to Sea World, she came out with a paycheck!
8. Yo' momma's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too!
9. Yo' momma's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house!
10. Yo' momma's so fat, she fell in love and broke it!
11. Yo' momma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210, it was on a scale!
12. Yo' momma's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it said, "Please step out of the car!"
13. Yo' momma's so fat, she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
14. Yo' momma's so fat, her senior pictures had to be aerial views!
15. Yo' momma's so fat, every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
16. Yo' momma's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
17. Yo' momma's so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again!
18. Yo' momma's so fat, when she dances at a concert, the whole band skips!
19. Yo' momma's so fat, instead of Levi's 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's!
20. Yo' momma's so fat, when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks!
21. Yo' momma's so fat, her picture fell off the wall!
22. Yo' momma's so fat, she don't have cellulite, she has celluHEAVY!
23. Yo' momma's so fat, NASA hauls her to the top of a tower, pushes her off, she falls 300 feet, hits a board and launches the space shuttle...!
24. Yo' momma's so fat, she says her job title is Spoon and Fork Operator!
25. Yo' momma's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard!
26. Yo' momma's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin!
27. Yo' momma's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost!
28. Yo' momma's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!
29. Yo' momma's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks!
29. Yo' momma's so fat, she went on a light diet...as soon as it's light, she starts eating!
30. Yo' momma's so fat, when she bends over, we go into daylight savings time!
31. Yo' momma's so fat, she's half Indian, half Irish, and half French!
32. Yo' momma's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party!
33.Yo' momma's so fat, they're going to use her to fill that hole in the ozone layer!
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer.
The Taliban commander was down behind the hill, when this voice come over the hill, "Hey, ya'll, one Texan can whip ten Taliban ! Send them over"
He picked his ten best, sent them over the hill, and there was about a minute of intense gun fire and explosions, then a voice came over the hill, "Hey ya'll, one Texan can whip 100 Taliban! Send them over!"
He picked his 100 best, sent them over the hill, and there was five minutes of serious gun fire and explosions, then a voice came over the hill, "Hey, ya'll, one Texan can whip 1000 Taliban! Send them over!"
He sent his 1000 best, and the noise was incredible, machine gun fire, explosions, after ten minutes it stopped, and a voice came over the hill, "Hey, ya'll, one Texan can whip 5000 Taliban! Send them over!"
At that moment a Taliban crawled back over the hill, shot full of holes, he warned them, "Go back, its a trap! There are two of them!"
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."