Sgt Lobo is addressing his platoon
Sgt Lobo: "Men, you have received your orders, and you're going to the Burma-Chinese theater of operations. I regret that I won't be accompanying you, but I will follow you in about 6 weeks. I have tried to teach you all how to be fine soldiers, and I think you'll do well there.
Before you go, there is one other thing I must tell you, specific to the theater.
You need to know about the HAIRY WATER SWAMP VIPER. (In singsong T.I. voice) The hairy water swamp viper is 3 to 3 and a half feet in length, inch to an inch in a quarter in diameter, covered with 3/8 inch hairs, colored orange, black, orange, black, orange, black. If you are crawling through the jungle, and you see the HWSV poised to strike, there is one and only one thing you can do. You must leap to your feet and place your left foot forward pointing at the snake, your right foot back and perpendicular to you left. Extend your left arm forward, palm parallel and facing the ground. Extend the first two fingers of your right hand and thrust them at the snake, running them along the snake, paralyzing it, rendering it harmless, and allowing you time to escape."
"Private ChemistCat, tell us everything you know about the HWSV!"
Pvt ChemistCat leaps to his feet and says: SIR! The hairy water swamp viper is 3 to 3 and a half feet in length, inch to an inch in a quarter in diameter, covered with 3/8 inch hairs, colored orange, black, orange, black, orange, black. If you are crawling through the jungle, and you see the HWSV poised to strike, there is one and only one thing you can do. You must leap to your feet and place your left foot forward pointing at the snake, your right foot back and perpendicular to you left. Extend your left arm forward, palm parallel and facing the ground. Extend the first two fingers of your right hand and thrust them at the snake, running them along the snake, paralyzing it, rendering it harmless, and allowing you time to escape."
Sgt Lobo: "Very good Pvt, be seated. Men, good luck, and God speed."
Off they go.
Six weeks later, Sgt Lobo arrives in-country, and visits some of his men in the hospital.
He comes to the first bed, and sees Cpl Smith. "Smith, how are you?"...etc
He visits for a time with several of the other men, when he spies a familiar name near the end of the ward. He's amazed to see it's Pvt ChemistCat.
Moving closer, he notes that ChemistCat is covered in bandages from head to toe.
Sgt Lobo: "CC, son, what the h*ll happened to you?"
Pvt ChemistCat: (in kind of pained, stressed voice) "Well Sgt, there I was, crawling through the jungle, when I saw it, 3 to 3 and a half feet in length, inch to an inch in a quarter in diameter, covered with 3/8 inch hairs, colored orange, black, orange, black, orange, black, poised to strike. I leapt to my feet and placed my left foot forward pointing at the snake, my right foot back and perpendicular to my left. Extended my left arm forward, palm parallel and facing the ground. Extended the first two fingers of my right hand and thrust them into the *sshole of the biggest tiger I have ever seen."
This joke is best told by an ex drill instructor while standing up and demonstrating what you should be doing.