I Need Your BEST Jokes ASAP! Thanks!!

[ChemistCat]

My Mom had knee replacement surgery today and they have her leg hooked up to a machine that is going to move it for her all night long. I have no idea why she's being subjected to THAT torture; it must be necessary though. Despite substantial pain meds, she's pretty miserable.

Since laughter is a powerful curative agent, I'm seeking the funniest jokes out there; hopefully by tomorrow she'll be able to try to distract herself from the pain! One good thing is that she seems to be unable to remember anything that happened five minutes ago, so she can get a lot of mileage out of a few good jokes!

I might add that she is not religious, and many jokes that will offend ME will not offend her in the least. Don't risk being banned though! These are for her, not for me. THANK YOU for jokes, and prayers if you have them too.

I might add that she's VERY much a conservative Republican politically, and shares the FReeper point of view even if she doesn't FReep.

[gortklattu]

I have been printing bumper stickers that say this:

Liberalism is a Socialist Disease

I think I've given over 200 away so far..

[Axenolith]

Like making it into the dumpster on the first shots with an accordian and a set of bagpipes...

Perfect Pitch...

[Axenolith]

Only knows dog...

[shaggy eel]

they've been doing Magic for the past 15 years!

,,, what a name for it! That's a laugh in itself. I saw the news about the tiger the other day. We don't hear much about those two boys here, but I've known for years who they are and all about their "lifestyle choice".

[bwteim]

Groaners OK? Thought so, thanks....

A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, " Can I have a gin and
























tonic please?"

The barman serves him and says, "Why the long pause?"

Polar Bear says, "Don't know, I've always had them!"

[Timesink]

So this baby seal walk into a club.

[Psycho_Bunny]

lol

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

On a bull the horns are in front.

[Poohbah]

During Operation Iraqi Freedom:

An Iraqi division was on the march. A voice was heard from behind a sand berm:

"One US Marine can beat 10 Iraqis!"

The Iraqi General sent ten soldiers. After a furious gunfight that was heard but not seen, the voice cried out:

"One US Marine can beat 100 Iraqis!"

This time, the Iraqi General sent 100 soldiers. Again, there was a furious gunfight. The voice then cried out:

"One US Marine can beat 1,000 Iraqis!"

Enraged, the Iraqi General sends his entire division, over 10,000 soldiers, and radioed for another division to come to his aid.

There was yet another furious gunfight. One Iraqi, riddled with bullets, managed to get back to the Iraqi side of the berm and half-crawled to the General. His last words before dying were:

"Run away...It's a trap! There...there...there are TWO Marines back there!"

[txhurl]

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? .......... You can negotiate with the terrorist!

Q. Why do they call it PMS?
A. Because 'mad cow disease' was already taken.

[Mat_Helm]

Four surgeons are talking by the coffee machine and they begin to debate who are the easiest people to operate on. The first surgeon says,” that’s simple secretaries are the easiest because all their organs are in alphabetical order." The second surgeon says "No, geographers are easier because all of their organs are color coded." The third surgeon says "No way, engineers are much easier to operate on because they don't care what you do with the left over parts after you put them back together." The final surgeon laughs and says "You guys are all wrong, lawyers are the easiest because they have no heart, no balls, no spine, and the ass and head are interchangeable!"

[OrioleFan]

I know this is a little late, but just got this in an email:

A squad of Marines drove up the highway between Basra and Baghdad.
They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious.
Nearby on the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar state, but he was alert.
As first aid was given to both men, they asked the injured Marine what happened.
The Marine responded "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier".
"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.
"I told him Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of crap and then the Iraqi told me that Tom Daschle, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton were miserable pieces of crap!"
"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.
"We were shaking hands when a truck hit us

[Rebelbase]

I read this on somewhere on another thread posted by another FReeper. Don't know who gets credit for it:

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly ladies in their early 80's step outside the retirement home for a smoke one rainy afternoon. They take out their cigarettes and Mabel is suprised to see Ethel take out a condom out of her purse, open the wrapper and proceed to cut the end off and slip it over her cigarette.

"Why are you doing that" Mabel asks Ethel. Ethel replies "this keeps the rain from ruining my cigarette, I just slip the condom down until i'm finished".

"Thats a great idea, I need to get some for myself", Mabel says.

The next day Mabel takes the bus to the pharmacy and hobbles along down the aisle, in her frail way, to the phamacist's counter.

The pharmacist, eager to help, steps up to the counter, "May I help you"?

"Yes, I need a dozen condoms, please"...puzzeled at this request from such an elderly woman, the pharmacist stumbles out "well..., do you have a particular brand or style in mind"?

Mable replied:

"Oh, heavens no, they just need to be large enough to fit a Camel"

[Xenalyte]

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"

[Xenalyte]

So this duck walks into a bar. He hops up on a stool and asks the bartender, "You got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "Nope, this is a bar. Peanuts and pretzels. No grapes."

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

Next day, here comes the duck. Onto the barstool, eye contact with the bartender . . . "Y'all got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "No, I haven't got any grapes. Just like yesterday."

Third day, duck waddles into the bar, up on the stool: "Hey, barkeep, got any grapes?"

The bartender, obviously overwrought from dealing with secondhand smoke and the TABC, slams a mug onto the bar and hollers, "Hell NO, we don't have any grapes! I told you yesterday and I told you the day before that we don't have any grapes! Now get the hell out, and if I ever see you in here again, I'll nail your little feet to the bar!"

Next day, the duck is back. He saunters in, boards the stool, and asks the bartender, "Got any nails?"

The bartender says, "Of course I don't have any nails."

The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

[Lonesome in Massachussets]

In 1955 a young English man comes down from Oxford with first honors. He considers a position with Her Majesty’s Foreign Office, but eventually decides to accept a position with the steamship line Cunard. He is a talented and hard working young man and rises quickly with his new firm. After a couple of years, he is able to afford a flat in St. John’s Wood and a brand new Jaguar motorcar.

In 1958 he decides to take his annual Summer holiday in Scotland, at the exclusive Dunrobin Castle salmon fishing resort at the mouth of the River Helmsdale. He drives himself up through the Scottish Countryside, part of the charm of this kind of holiday. Along the way, he encounters a quaint looking local pub and decides to stop in and have some lunch and refreshment. He parks his shiny new Jaguar in front and goes in as the Scottish publican eyes him and his machine enviously. He places his order, and the innkeeper, unable to keep his jealousy and curiosity in check any longer, inquires in his thick Scottish brogue, “Tell me, laddie, how does a you man like you afford such a machine as that!” The young man tries to deflect the question and begins to explain, “Well you see I work for Cunard…” The innkeeper’s jealousy explodes, “I work f***ing ‘ard meself laddie, but I kin nae afford a grand bonny car like that!”

[Rocky]

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-bloggers/1536346/posts?q=1&&page=1#1

[RedWing9]

Knock Knock
Who's there
Doris
Doris who
Doris shut that's why I knocked!

[chris_in_nj]

bump

[gentlearts]

I heard it different...
A women bursts into the house, and says to her husband, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery."

He says,"What should I take; swimwear, skiwear?"

The wife says, "It doesn't matter. Just get the hell out."

[Jet Jaguar]

That’s good!

A priest was seated next to Ex-President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The Ex-President asked for a whisky & soda, and the flight attendant asked the priest if he would also like a drink. The priest replied in disgust, “Ma’am, I’d rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!”

The Ex-President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know there was a choice...”