I Need Your BEST Jokes ASAP! Thanks!!

[ChemistCat]

My Mom had knee replacement surgery today and they have her leg hooked up to a machine that is going to move it for her all night long. I have no idea why she's being subjected to THAT torture; it must be necessary though. Despite substantial pain meds, she's pretty miserable.

Since laughter is a powerful curative agent, I'm seeking the funniest jokes out there; hopefully by tomorrow she'll be able to try to distract herself from the pain! One good thing is that she seems to be unable to remember anything that happened five minutes ago, so she can get a lot of mileage out of a few good jokes!

I might add that she is not religious, and many jokes that will offend ME will not offend her in the least. Don't risk being banned though! These are for her, not for me. THANK YOU for jokes, and prayers if you have them too.

I might add that she's VERY much a conservative Republican politically, and shares the FReeper point of view even if she doesn't FReep.

[Hildy]

A duck walks into a hardware store and says to the clerk "Got any duck food?" to which the clerk replies "No."

The next day the duck walks into the hardware store and asks the clerk again, "Got any duck food?" The clerk impatiently replies, "No!"

The duck goes into the hardware store for a third time and asks the clerk, "Got any duck food?" The clerk whirls around and says, "If you ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck comes back a fourth time and asks the clerk, "Got any nails?" The surprised clerk answers, "No, we just ran out." So then the duck replies, "Got any duck food?"

[Mike-o-Matic]

   Nuke Black Female Baby Whales for Jesus.

Wait, I'm confused! Does that mean I should nuke the black female baby whales, who just happen to be Jesus supporters, or does it mean I am to nuke the black female baby whales, at which time I will be serving as Jesus' nuke-slinging assistant?

Or is it something else altogether? *head spins*

[wafflehouse]

Q. Why are Episcopalians are lousy chess player.

A. They can't tell a bishop from a queen.

[Quix]

Great joke.

Thanks.

[Friend of thunder]

To die. In the rain.

Taking it like a man, (or a chicken man), no doubt.

[myprecious]

This thread came alive again after two years asleep

I have read 211 posts and not noticed the dates. Yes, I AM blonde.

Hope your Mom has enjoyed a wonderful recovery.

[Cvengr]

Ya heard about Siegfried and Roy and how the tiger sent Roy to the hospital. Well, Siegfried gave blood and it turns out they're both found to have AIDs,....but then again it's not much a surprise considering they've been doing Magic for the past 15 years!

[I'm ALL Right!]

Well, I think we are talking about Black Female Baby Whales who are for Jesus, aka Christian Black Female Baby Whales. I don't think we were saying "Nuke them for Jesus!"

[WKB]

A young Indian boy ask his father
“How did you pick the name of my sister’?
Father says “The night she was born I looked out the tee pee and saw a deer running
So I named her Running Deer.
What about my brother he said.
Father says “The night he was born I looked out the tee pee and saw a wolf howling
So I named him Howling Wolf.”
“Why are you asking all these questions two dogs F***ing”?

[Radioactive]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the possum it was possible!

[PhilipFreneau]

When three polacks walked out of the resturant and approached their car, the driver suddenly stopped, and said, "Oh, no! I locked my keys in my car! What am I going to do?"

One of his friends said, "No problem." He bent over, worked loose one of the bricks that edged the sidewalk, and explained, "All we have to do is break out the windsheild and we can reach in and get the keys."

The other, smarter, friend said, "Wait. All we have to do is break this little vent window and we can reach in and unlock the door."

But the driver said, "Hey, this is a brand new car. I'm calling a locksmith."

After the driver explained his trouble to the locksmith, the locksmith said, "Sure, I can unlock the door. But it might be a while before I can get there."

The driver said, "Don't take too long. It looks like it is going to rain, and I have my top down."

[Fester Chugabrew]

Sounds like one of them was the same Polack who dragged his broken VW across the desert just to salvage it. When he finally came to an oasis and was asked whether the heat made his trip unbearable he said, "Oh, no. I rolled the window down."

[Moosefart]

HIGH PRIESTS:

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. ...

And then, all the other bells started to ring.........

[shetlan]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID NOW AT THE MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT IN SAN DIEGO.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am good. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, or wood to split.

I keep getting medals for shooting. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup.

Your loving daughter,

Sissy Lou

[cannon fodder]

californians dont screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

[jws3sticks]

A man was sitting relaxing in an airplane when another guy dropped into the seat beside him. This new guy was a pale wreck. His hands were shaking; he was biting his nails; he was moaning in low tones.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first man.

"Oh my, I've been transferred to Southern California," the second answered, "Southern California has race riots, rampant street drugs, and the highest crime rate in America."

"Hold on," said the first man. "I've lived in Southern California all my life, and it's not as bad as the media portrays. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school, and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"What do I do?" replied the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a LA bread truck."

=======

(AP - Newswire)

05 October 2003

At approximately 9:50 PM Central Time, reports coming in from Geologists at the University of Chicago and Georgia Tech discovered an unusual cooling of the earth's surface throughout the world.

Patrons celebrating the Cubs playoff series win over the Atlanta Braves resolved the mysterious phenomenon puzzling many scientists and physicists.

Hell has frozen over.

[Axenolith]

There shoulda been a 'possum in there someplace...

[Axenolith]

An American is travelling Ireland and he happens across a small pub in farm town along the shoreline. After a couple of pints, he sees an old dude near a window and goes over to strike up a conversation figuring he'll get some of the local flavor out of the old guy.

So, the American asks him what he's done in the area all his life. The old guy looks out at the towns jetty and says Ya see that ole stone jetty out there? I built that sea wall with me own two hands and the sweat of me brow!". Following with a low mutter of "and ye think they call me McCready the stonemason? BA"!

Then he points to what appears to be literally miles of fence surrounding area fields and says "And them fences, built with me toil and woe!"... Again a low mutter... "And ya think they'd call me McCready the fence builder? BA!"

Then he runs his hand down the polished and timelessly worn bar top, and makes the same type of comments about the labors that went into its creation years ago.

The American is curious now, he wonders what this guys nickname or occupational handle could be and he asks "So what DO people call you"?

The old man looks around and lowers his voice...
"All these accomplishments don't seem to garner me nay any fame or a name, but...

Ya Fook ONE GOAT!!!