Posted on 11/27/2001 9:11:11 PM PST by ChemistCat
My Mom had knee replacement surgery today and they have her leg hooked up to a machine that is going to move it for her all night long. I have no idea why she's being subjected to THAT torture; it must be necessary though. Despite substantial pain meds, she's pretty miserable.
Since laughter is a powerful curative agent, I'm seeking the funniest jokes out there; hopefully by tomorrow she'll be able to try to distract herself from the pain! One good thing is that she seems to be unable to remember anything that happened five minutes ago, so she can get a lot of mileage out of a few good jokes!
I might add that she is not religious, and many jokes that will offend ME will not offend her in the least. Don't risk being banned though! These are for her, not for me. THANK YOU for jokes, and prayers if you have them too.
I might add that she's VERY much a conservative Republican politically, and shares the FReeper point of view even if she doesn't FReep.
My thoughts are with her.
knews hound
Farmer asks, "Why the horse throat?"
He replies, "It's a long story ...."
Bill, Hillary, and Al suddenly wake up and find themselves in the land of Oz. After looking around a bit, Hillary says, "This is great! I'm going to go find the Wizard and ask him to give me a heart." Al says, "That's a great idea. I'm going to go find the Wizard and ask him to give me a brain." Bill is still looking around and finally says, "Where's Dorothy?"
The bartender doesn't answer but instead pulls out an old, beat-up antique lamp and says, "Give her a rub." So the man rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie says, "For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you one wish." The man looks at the bartender who nods that it's OK. So the man says, "I wish for a million bucks."
"Done!" says the genie who promptly disappears. The man looks around a little confused, but doesn't see anything. He starts to pull out his wallet to see if the money is in there when suddenly the bar is filled with a million flying, quacking ducks. Everyone in the bar panics and starts shoving ducks out the door as fast as they can.
Finally all the ducks are gone. The man turns to the bartender and says, "Gee, I'm really sorry. I didn't ask that crazy genie for a million ducks." The bartender answers, "Do you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Prayers for your mother.
Shalom.
"Oh, not again!", she complains, "I guess that means I'm going to have to spend this weekend flat on my back with my legs in the air!"
The blonde turns to the brunette with a puzzled look on her face and asks, "Don't you have a vase?"
Regards
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all had white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
"Honey, I'm hungry. I want some dessert."
"What would you like dear"--says the wife.
He hands her a pen and a piece of paper--"Here write this down"-- he says.
"Write what down?"--asks the wife, puzzled.
"Write down what I want to eat."--he responds.
The wife gets a little agitated.
"Why on Earth would I need to write anything down?"--she says, voice rising.
"Because dear, lately you've been a little forgetful"--he replies.
"Poppycock!"--she says--"you know good and well that I do not forget things."
"Honey"--he says in a weary voice--"just write it down, please. You do get a little confused sometimes."
"Just tell me what you want!--her voice is now sounding angry.
He sighs loudly and gives in--"OK, I want a bowl of vanilla ice cream, with chocolate syrup, and walnuts over it...honey, please write it down>"--he pleads with her.
"No!"--she says and storms off into the kitchen.
A few moments later she walks out, and plops a plate with a ham and cheese sandwich on it on the end table next to her husband.
The husband looks down and lets out a loud, exasperated sigh.
"You see! I TOLD you to write it down! But you? You never listen!"
"And what exactly is wrong?--she asks.
With a flourish, he lifts the top piece of bread and points to the sandwich.
"WHERE"S MY PICKLE!?!?!?!?"
Because there are Targets all over the place...
A young woman teacher explains to her class of children that she is an Democrat. She asks her class if they are Democrats too.
Not really knowing what Democrats are but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Sara who has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an Democrat."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm a Republican."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Sara why she is a Republican.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving my country. My Mom is a Republican, and my dad is a Republican, so I am a Republican."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an Democrat."
A man falls from a 5th story window. While he's lying spread eagle on the sidewalk another man happens by and asks him,
"Say, what happened?" The man says, "I don't know, I just got here."
An ambulance arrives. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?". The man says, "I make a good living."
Similar to ...
I brake for animals -- then I kill them, eat them, and wear their skin.
LAPD: We Treat You Like A King
LAPD: We Treat You Like A King
LAPD: We Treat You Like A King
Well it cracks me up every time some talking head says it.
The bartender says,"How are you going to pay for this, you're a duck."
The duck says,"Put it on my bill!"
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