Vanity: Worst Baby Names

11/26/01

[Phantom Lord]

Alright, this is a total vanity. I didn't post it under "Breaking News" so relax.

My mother and aunts have been pestering my wife and I about when we are going to have children. Lately, we have taken to coming up with the worst possible names for babies and telling them we are considering names first. Well, they get real upset with some of them and even get angry with us for even considering them.

My mother in law is coming down for Christmas and it is inevitable that when she, my mother, and my aunts get together they will gang up on us about having kids. So, what I need from my fellow FReepers is a good list of really bad baby names to suggest to them as names we are considering. You help and creativity is greatly appreciated.

Oh, the last name is Terwilliger if that helps at all.

[SFConservative]

One of Jay Leno's headlines once was an ad for a proctologist.

Sure the name wasn't Seymour Butts?

[Quix]

Machievelli Billdoshrillery Terwilliger

[Quix]

What was the old Murray Banks joke. . . something like . . . A psychiatrist and a proctologist decided to go into business together. . . so they wanted to make up a sign. . . NUTS AND BUTTS. . . . no that wasn't dignified enough . . . . REARS AND QUEERS . . . . no, that wouldn't do . . . so they settled on ODDS AND ENDS.

[SFConservative]

If you like animals and the main purpose is to gross out ma and aunts, claim you really like these pet names for the kids:

Spot Terwilliger
Fluffy Terwilliger (only for boys of course)
Snuffles Terwilliger
Smoky Terwilliger
Fuzzbutt Terwilliger
Rover Terwilliger

Take it from there ...

If you're into fixing up the house, get a bunch of paint color samples and claim they are great inspiration for nice first and middle names:

Morning Mist Terwilliger
Iced Pumpkin Terwilliger
Crushed Sage Terwilliger
Ancient Slate Terwilliger
etc ... endless possibilities

Rotate hobbies weekly - outboard motors, RVs, motorcycles, tires (Road Grabber Terwilliger) - and you will have ma and aunts actively avoid the entire subject in no time.

[PennsylvaniaMom]

As a nurse, I have worked in labor and delivery. And nothing is as bad as the couples that have months to come up with a name and still don't have one agreed on at delivery time...and they ask us (the staff for suggestions!). I have heard people use the names that they just heard on the TV in the room (I can remember a Vanna being named that way); they ask what our names are, what our kids are named, etc. Its the unique spellings that always got me. We don't fill out the official birth record but we do place the name on the card in the basinet (if they come up with one). I just loved the argument...it L-a-s-h-a-q-u...NO, NO, NO, its L-a-s-a'q-u-i-s-h-a-...or NO, NO, NO...its..or the Michael, NO, Mical, NO, its Mycal, NO lets try...

Good luck with psyching out the inlaws (it sounds like you will have ample choices from FR)...BUT when it is for real...go in to labor/delivery prepared. It would be kinda sad for a little one to just to have ______ Terwillger on its basinette...in the nursery full of Kaylas, and Ashleys, and Codys and Austins...

[TheGrimReaper]

Porcelain Latrine
Enough said.

[mcenedo]

There's a guy in the NFL named "Craphonso". I like it.

Of course, the nickname could be a problem.

[ladyinred]

Clydie Belle, I think I knew her! Could there have possibly been more than one woman with that name?

[jocon307]

LOL I agree with you. I figured if I didn't have names beforehand, I'd get all confused trying to "divine" the baby's "true" name. I've done this with cats and I've had several cats where it took a few tries to "find" their real name.

I also think, in terms of real baby naming you must always consider the possibiltiy that your child may become a prominent person one day, despite their humble origins!

[austinTparty]

Our Chloé has an accent... not that one can enter it on the birth certificate (no way to put in diacritical marks). But then, she is 1/2 French... Her full name is Chloé Emmanuelle Mariam (insert last name here). The full biblical treatment :^). Son is Tristan Pierre Lemuel (insert last name here). Lemuel is a Biblical name, as well as a family one, and Pierre is the French version of "Peter"...

Southflank: Our neighbor has a daughter named "Avery", too... nice name. :^)

[Southflanknorthpawsis]

I love the name Tristan for a boy. My niece is Tryston. I've never known another girl named that and admittedly it is not my favorite for a female, but...........as she is 32 years old now, it's grown on me.....lol

[troublesome creek]

how 'bout Formica Dinette?

[troublesome creek]

we had one that the mom wanted to name Placenta. she heard the doctor say it and thought it was beautiful. she was finally talked out of it.

[austinTparty]

whoops, meant to ping you to this! :^)

[gumbo]

"Senokot"

Har. We had a radio talk-show host here once, named Lionel, who swore up-and-down that he knew of a family in Florida who named their daughter "Fem-al-i." (That's the phonetic pronounciation; the spelling of the name was "Female.")

[gumbo]

My Dad always hated his middle name which is Eugene. He could never understand why his Mother did that to him

Oh, you have me ROTFL with that one! My family has a "thing" about the name, 'Eugene,' too. Thanks for the late night healthy laugh -- gonna turn in now.

[Samwise]

I may not have the spelling right, but I think this is it--Gilraen. If you know who Gilraen is, go to the head of the class.

[Non-Sequitur]

She had a sister named (I kid you not) Tennessee Lee. Ring any bells?