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The XMAS-Files
E-mail | 1996? | unknown

Posted on 11/22/2001 5:38:27 PM PST by EveningStar

- We're too late! It's already been here.

- Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.

- Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

- You really think someone's been here?

- Someone or some THING.

- Mulder, over here - it's a fruitcake.

- Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

- It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

- It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

- Who? What are you talking about?

- Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

- But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?

- Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive and in a hurry.

- It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.

- It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

- But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

- Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

- But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

- Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

- Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.

- But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?

- You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

- Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

- Impossible.

- I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW THAT I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD!

- I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.

- Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake.

- But we have no proof.

- Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.

- But that was a meteor shower.

- Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.

- Mulder, I --

- Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?

- On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.

- The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Extended News; Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: christmas; christmas2009; humor; mulder; parody; santaclaus; satire; scully; wintersolstice; xfiles; xmasfiles
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To: all
bump
21 posted on 12/25/2001 8:49:01 AM PST by EveningStar
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To: TiaS
he he he bump!!
22 posted on 12/25/2001 4:17:44 PM PST by timestax
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To: EveningStar
(-:

Merry Christmas!
23 posted on 12/25/2001 4:28:59 PM PST by firewalk
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To: All
2002 bump
24 posted on 11/29/2002 11:48:13 AM PST by EveningStar
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To: EveningStar
Man, that was perfect!
25 posted on 11/29/2002 11:56:36 AM PST by Junior
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To: EveningStar
- Mulder, over here - it's a fruitcake.
- Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

The truth is out there. Thanks for the post.

26 posted on 11/29/2002 12:04:33 PM PST by Lady Jag
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To: Junior; sciencediet
Yep. It's still good. :)
27 posted on 11/29/2002 12:40:11 PM PST by EveningStar
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To: isasis
Required reading!
28 posted on 11/29/2002 12:47:06 PM PST by Issaquahking
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To: dd5339
ping!
29 posted on 11/29/2002 2:00:47 PM PST by Vic3O3
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To: Vic3O3
pong!
30 posted on 11/30/2002 3:01:07 PM PST by EveningStar
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To: Issaquahking
I agree :)
31 posted on 12/01/2002 6:50:53 PM PST by EveningStar
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To: All
Bumped for those who missed it.
32 posted on 12/20/2002 4:27:59 PM PST by EveningStar
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To: All; mhking
Remember The X-Files? Remember when it was a good show?
33 posted on 12/09/2003 4:39:36 PM PST by EveningStar
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To: EveningStar
Scully, Mulder and Santa BUMP!

HO HO HO
34 posted on 12/24/2003 10:24:03 PM PST by Boomer Geezer (What's this for?)
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To: EveningStar
It jumped the shark when they made the movie, IMO. But, Merry Christmas from an old X-files fan!
35 posted on 12/24/2003 10:29:51 PM PST by ABG(anybody but Gore) (...And second prize goes to Kenny, for his Edward James Olmos impersonation!)
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To: All

2004 bump


36 posted on 12/12/2004 5:43:11 PM PST by EveningStar
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To: All

2005 bump :)


37 posted on 12/25/2005 10:46:59 AM PST by EveningStar
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To: EveningStar

For years it was my favorite show. But the last 2 seasons really sucked.


38 posted on 12/25/2005 11:11:43 AM PST by NEPA (Repeal the 17th)
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To: NEPA

Agreed. I pretty much stopped watching and I never even saw the final episode!


39 posted on 12/25/2005 11:49:36 AM PST by EveningStar
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To: Boomer Geezer

Thanks, thats the first time I had ever seen this one. LOL!


40 posted on 12/25/2005 12:01:10 PM PST by Hot Tabasco (If I get socks again this year from my sis and bro-in-law I'm going to be really mad....)
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