Posted on 11/20/2001 5:53:29 AM PST by Stand Watch Listen
Documents found last week in an al-Qa'eda safe house in Afghanistan that purport to be instructions on how to build a nuclear weapon were shown yesterday to be based on a spoof scientific article.
The "plans" were discovered in a ruined house in Kabul after the Taliban fled the city, and included notes ostensibly showing how to create a nuclear device.
Although the partly burnt documents may well confirm that al-Qa'eda was trying to get hold of weapons of mass destruction, they also indicate that the group had little idea what it was doing and absolutely no sense of humour.
Jason Scott, of the internet newsletter rotten.com, said he had searched the internet for the phrases used in the documents, which were in English, and found they were the same as a well known 1979 spoof article. Among the tell-tale references were to "theory of operation - the device basically works".
The original, entitled How To Build An Atomic Bomb In 10 Easy Steps, described how to create a device for between $5,000 (£3,000) and $30,000 that "is a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, can be used for national defence".
The original was one of a series run by the Journal of Irreproducible Results. Yesterday, a former editor, Marc Abrahams, confirmed that the documents, shown in a report by BBC reporter John Simpson, were from the article, though in a different format. "I have a copy of the issue and I have also seen footage of the BBC report and it is clear it is the same text," said Mr Abrahams.
"It is very clearly a piece of humour writing the Taliban were poring over," said Mr Abrahams.
Al Qaeda: The Gang who Couldn't Shoot Straight
Don't underestimate your emeny. The planes appeared to hit the WTC and Pentagon right on target.
There's actually an interesting exercise in logic available here.
The easy step you took is the obvious one: The 911 attack was well conceived and boldly executed. Therefore we can't write off Al Qaeda as a bunch of doofuses.
But what if overwhelming evidence leads us to believe that Al Qaeda ARE a bunch of doofuses?
Then we may be logically be led to the much more interesting and troubling conclusion that either Al Qaeda didn't do the 911 attacks, or they did the 911 attacks with a lot of special help.
Mark W.
The following paper is taken from The Journal of Irreproducible Results, Volume 25/Number 4/1979. P.O. Box 234 Chicago Heights, Illinois 60411
INTRODUCTION
Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines from printing articles which describe how to make an atomic bomb. The reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known that all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan libraries, obviously the court's officially stated position is covering up a more important factor; namely, that such atomic devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct. The United States courts cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not have the intelligence of a cabbage, and thus the "official" press releases claim national security as a blanket restriction.
The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of widespread misinformation can (and must) be cleared up now, for the construction project this month is the construction of a thermonuclear device, which will hopefully clear up any misconceptions you might have about such a project. We will see how easy it is to make a device of your very own in ten easy steps, to have and hold as you see fit, without annoying interference from the government or the courts.
The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000, depending on how fancy you want the final product to be. Since last week's column, "Let's Make a Time Machine", was received so well in the new step-by-step format, this month's column will follow the same format.
CONSTRUCTION METHOD
First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade Plutonium at your local supplier (see NOTE 1). A nuclear power plant is not recommended, as large quantities of missing Plutonium tends to make plant engineers unhappy. We suggest that you contact your local terrorist organization, or perhaps the Junior Achievement in your neighborhood.
Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous. Wash your hands with soap and warm water after handling the material, and don't allow your children or pets to play in it or eat it. Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect repellant. You may wish to keep the substance in a lead box if you can find one in your local junk yard, but an old coffee can will do nicely.
Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most common varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as, for example, a briefcase, a lunch pail, or a Buick. Do not use tinfoil.
Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispheral shapes, separated by about 4 cm. Use rubber cement to hold the Plutonium dust together.
Now get about 100 pounds (220 kg) of trinitrotoluene (TNT). Gelignite is much better, but messier to work with. Your helpful hardware man will be happy to provide you with this item.
Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4. If you cannot find Gelignite, fell free to use TNT packed in with Playdo or any modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, but there is no need to get fancy at this point.
Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step 3. Use a strong glue such as "Crazy Glue" to bind the hemisphere arrangement against the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which might result from vibration or mishandling.
To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo mechanism, as found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a modicum of effort, a remote plunger can be made that will strike a detonator cap to effect a small explosion. These detonatior caps can be found in the electrical supply section of your local supermarket. We recommend the "Blast-O-Mactic" brand because they are no deposit-no return.
Now hide the completed device from the neighbors and children. The garage is not recommended because of high humidity and the extreme range of temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices have been known to spontaneously detonate in these unstable conditions. The hall closet or under the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable.
Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device! It is a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, can be used for national defense.
THEORY OF OPERATION
The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a nuclear chain recation similar to the domino chain reaction (discussed in this column, "Dominos on the March", March, 1968). The chain reaction then promptly produces a big thermonuclear reaction. And there you have it, a 10 megaton explosion!
NEXT MONTH'S COLUMN
In next month's column, we will learn how to clone your neighbor's wife in six easy steps. This project promises to be an exciting weekend full of fun and profit. Common kitchen utensils will be all you need. See you next month!
NOTES
PREVIOUS MONTH'S COLUMNS
Or, as Occams Razor would insist, they simply were crafty without being necessarily technically brilliant.
I love it. Is NASA reading this journal too?
I see your point, but in my post I had chosen my words carefully: "...what if overwhelming evidence leads us to believe that Al Qaeda ARE a bunch of doofuses?"
The _kinds_ of stuff that has come out about people who _apparently_ were Al Qaeda could be called, if I were a hippy, mind blowing. These are people who went to flight schools and asked if they could learn just how to fly a plane, not how to take off and land. I'm sorry, but such people are not crafty. Such people are doofuses.
I'm not saying such observations prove they didn't do 911. I'm just saying it become easier and easier for someone so inclined to make a persuasive case that Al Qaeda didn't do it, or didn't act alone.
Mark W.
I'm not saying such observations prove they didn't do 911. I'm just saying it become easier and easier for someone so inclined to make a persuasive case that Al Qaeda didn't do it, or didn't act alone.
I think that they were well-funded doofuses who took advantage of the fact that too many people who work at flight schools would feel some wacko PC guilt about calling the authorities to alert them to a group of anti-social third worlders who only wanted to know how the steer the plane and were apparently quite vocal about not caring to learn how to take off and land. Kind of like a "Oh, we don't want to judge other cultures!" mentality of "diversity."
They remind me of the chunkhead who broke open the 1993 WTC bombing case when he returned to the place where he rented the truck that held the bomb and demanded that he get his deposit back.
[laughs] I remember him! And I thought the same thing back then that I do now -- it seemed to me _almost_ unbelievable that such a person(s) could pull off _any_ successful operation. I just assume that such people are "offerred up" as patsies ("Oswalds?") by the real intelligent community, black-ops wiz kids who really planned and directed the "stunt."
I'm afraid my tin foil streak runs deep...
[laughs again] However, it's worth pointing out that at the end of the movie "Scream 3" the killer makes a speech where he points out that a successful criminal should have a partner to sell out and a dupe to offer as a patsy...
Maybe these terrorists are just "...sick f^cks who've seen one too many movies." Maybe these terrorists are just psychotics who "...watched a few movies, took a few notes -- it's fun!" After all, we must remember that, "...movies don't create psychos, movies make psychos more creative!"
(Okay, for people who don't live in a fantasy world like me, those are all excerpts from the original "Scream" -- they're quotes from the people who allegedly were taught by the killer who later spelled out his technics in "Scream 3.")
(See, it all ties together: Perhaps these terrorists were just like STU from Scream...)
Mark W.
Scientists with Islamic sympathies who, judging by the fact that Pakistan's bomb did in fact work, aren't complete doofuses.
Also keep in mind that some of those who carried out the attacks in New York and Washington were well educated individuals. Hell, one of El-Quaida's leaders is supposed to be a doctor.
Moral of the story: don't assume on the basis of one document from a cell that may or may not have known much English that the rest of Al-Quaida is just as stupid. They brought down the WTC with planes when our own experts said it couldn't be done.
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