How Should We Punish Osama?

Me | None yet

[Edmund]

Two suggestions. 1) Airlift him by 'copter over the Chrysler Building, then drop and impale. Elegant, appropriate, methinks. 2) Death by Ebert. Airlift (we may need two 'copters here) the gifted critic and drop HIM onto the criminal. Not from so far as a height to hurt old Rog, but enough to rattle the fool who really believed that Bush's daughter would wear blue jeans to meet the Queen. Other suggestions welcome. Please keep clean (ha ha) and creative.

[Heisenburger]

First, we bathe him in pig fat. Then we dip a bullet in pig's blood. Bam! Right to the head. End of problem.

[XBob]

douse him with aviation fuel, put him in a 20 ton hydraulic press, light him up and turn on the press.

[steveegg]

An old-fashioned beheading, then wrap both the head and body in pigskin, with the body buried and the head used as a soccer ball in the same stadium his kind used to hold the Saturday morning executions until it reaches the same consistency as the concrete at the World Trade Center.

[CROSSHIGHWAYMAN]

Give him a room in Barney Frank's house

[Bubba_Leroy]

Grind him up and use him for hog feed. Force feed the hog crap to any of his supporters that we don't kill.

Nope. I changed my mind. We shouldn't do anything to him. We should just give him a big ol' hug and turn him loose.

We just need to be sure and turn him loose at Ground Zero in NYC. Also, announce ahead of time when and where the release will take place. Offer a prize to the New Yorker who get's the biggest piece.

[Winged Elf]

Find a cave, throw him in at gunpoint, then toss a pig in and seal the cave. Dying in the presence of a pig means he doesn't go to paradise, and so he starves to death.

Actually that was my mom's idea. Mine was a public execution where he would be put up on display at Ground Zero as a veritable punching bag for all the workers to vent their anger out on between rounds of cleanup. Then use part of my mom's idea and make sure he dies in the presence of a pig.

[Charles Henrickson]

Erect a giant gallows at Ground Zero. Two of 'em, in fact. Hang the b*st*rd. Twice. Mike Moran and the boys get to throw tomatoes, etc.

Drag the body down to the Pentagon. Hang him again.

Then take the body to that field in Pennsylvania and smash him into the ground. "Let's roll" over him with a road paver.

Take the remains and feed them as slop in a pig sty. Then wait a while and get the sh*t out of the country. Bury it in a cave in Afghanistan. Put on the marker:

Here lies that piece of crap, bin Laden.
We buried him deep, down to the bottom.
We would have buried him 6,000 times,
But he wasn't worth that many rhymes.

Or, if we decide to leave the body intact:

Here lies the body of Mister Osama;
We found him engaged in humping a llama.
Fearing disease is not that neurotic,
So we gave the poor llama an antibiotic.
The llama we saved, but him we dispatched;
And we buried him here with a pig we attached.

[lowbridge]

Turn him over to the Mafia. They'll give him the Jimmy Hoffa treatment.

[Edmund]

Hmmmm...we're getting some good feedback here. I live in New York, and the one time I went down to ground zero, it was awful. You can really sense, and literally smell, the pummeling those people took.

[Charles Henrickson]

But who then would eat the pigs knowing they had been raised eating such filth?

The pigs will run into the sea, much like the pigs that Jesus sent the demons into.

[Cicero]

Death by Ebert would involve a certain poetic justice. Did you know that the Franciscan priest who was killed while he was giving absolution to the dying died himself when someone landed on him who jumped from an upper window of one of the towers to escape the fire? I only saw that detail a couple of days ago.

[Congressman Billybob]

I've read this thread. Some of the ideas are rather imaginative. But we are a civilized nation.

So if we catch the guy alive (I give 70-30 odds against that due to the casualty-free method of opening up the caves -- bunker-busters from the air, rather than tunnel rats on the ground) it's clear what comes next. One of the military tribunals just authorized by President Bush will be convened on an American carrier. Evidence will be presented. Alan Dershowitz can defend, if Osama wants to hire that Harvard weasel at his own expense.

But the outcome is fairly clear. In the immortal words of the Duke, John Wayne, "We'll give him a fair trial and a proper hanging." Though I think, now that the Army's means of carrying out a death sentence is a firing squad.

As much as many people think that that is not sufficient justice for this excuse for a human being, I feel reasonably certain that will be the outcome, unless once we're finished "hunting" for bin Laden, no live creatures come out of the caves where we've done our hunting, due to the methods used.

Of course, this is only Round 1 in the War on Terrorism. Next target is probably Saddam Hussein. I note that Saddam has just divided power between his sons, Psycho and Path, in the event of an "emergency." I think that "emergency" is already in the planning stages.

As Matt Drudge says, "Developing...."

Conressman Billybob

[Texas_Longhorn]

I know I'll get flamed...but here goes. I think if we kill him then it will make him a maytr. Why not just life in prision?

[pt17]

Great entertainment value in this! Before doing anything serious though, how about making him walk naked through NYC to ground zero and introduce him to the good folks there.

[Bars4Bill]

Throw him a little warmth for the brutal Afghan winter:

[Aaron_A]