Donald Rumsfeld, Uncorked

NationalJournal.com | October 17, 2001 | Howard Mortman

[Stand Watch Listen]

By Howard Mortman, NationalJournal.com

I must confess that I'm quite taken with Defense Secretary Donald Rumseld.

I'm just nutty about his press conferences.

I love the way he holds up well to the media. Robust, feisty, with some acidity, but very, very refreshing. He's a study in, well, oenology.

Listening to a Rumsfeld press conference is like drinking a fine wine -- a fine wine waiting to be corked since the Ford administration. He's great at reassuring relief from all the somber news. Rumsfeld is less solemn, more sommelier.

Everyone's palate is a little different. But here's my day-by-day tasting guide to Don Rumsfeld press conferences.

Sunday, Oct. 7:

QUESTION: Are U.S. forces on the ground in Afghanistan now? And more broadly, could you illuminate at all the so-called less visible side of this operation?

RUMSFELD: Not really. If we wanted it to be overt, we would have discussed it.

Tasting notes: Not fancy, just an everyday answer. Bright, fresh and expressing a vivid truth.

RUMSFELD: We certainly would not be using airdrops in portions of the country where we were not satisfied that it would be safe for humanitarian relations. We don't discuss operational activities.

QUESTION: Mr. Secretary, can you tell us, is there any plans to send significant numbers of...

RUMSFELD: I answered that question before you asked it.

Tasting notes: Rich and ripe, this answer showcases the individual flavors of Rumsfeld accentuated by years of aging in Washington barrels.

QUESTION: Apparently, there were strikes in Kandahar and Kabul, and there's talk about the electricity system going down. Are you running the risk of being characterized as attacking the Afghan people rather than the military targets?

RUMSFELD: You know, in this world of ours, if you get up in the morning, you're running a risk of having someone lie and someone mischaracterize what it is you are doing.

Tasting notes: This answer has a brilliant color and a pleasing dry yet full-bodied flavor. It goes well when the questioner wants you to eat crow.

Monday, Oct. 8:

QUESTION: ... Yesterday, according to your figures and General Myers' figures, you dropped 37,500 MREs -- humanitarian MREs. Is this purely humanitarian, or is it also part of a psy-ops because on the humanitarian MREs there's a picture of the American flag...?

RUMSFELD: ... It is quite true that 37,000 rations in a day do not feed millions of human beings. On the other hand, if you were one of the starving people who got one of the rations, you'd be appreciative.

Tasting notes: Combines the vintners blend with the reserve. This is a special treat. No wimpy whines and no wimpy wines!

Tuesday, Oct. 9:

QUESTION: Mr. Secretary, as far as talking about intelligence, are we getting enough help from Pakistan, because General Musharraf -- he has fired most of his top military aides and intelligence officials, so where do we stand now? And also, what role is India playing in this campaign? And finally, if we are going to drop medicine there, do they know what kind of medicine and how to use them?

RUMSFELD: You all have gotten in the habit of asking three questions at once. And it would sure make life simpler if you didn't.

Tasting notes: A beautiful, crisp and herbaceous answer. I think this answer is one of his best. A brüt champagne for a brute campaign.

QUESTION: ... A military effort here could be decade long.... Do you think that's within the realm of possibility? And could you also preview tonight's battle plan the way you have done for us the last two days?

RUMSFELD: That was a big improvement. You went from three to two [questions].

Tasting notes: This answer is aging quite gracefully. Soft and buttery, with a hint of pepper.

Friday, Oct. 12:

QUESTION: Mr. Secretary, I know you want to hold us to one question, so I only have one question for you, and then one for General Myers.

RUMSFELD: Uh-oh. We ought to have a new rule: You can ask two questions, and then we can pick the one we want to answer.

Tasting notes: Again, this is a lovely vintage for this wine. Drink now, but may still improve.

QUESTION: Mr. Secretary, it's been confirmed that among the targets that was hit was the Suburban vehicle that belongs to Abdullah Omar. Was that an effort to kill him?

RUMSFELD: How is that confirmed?

QUESTION: Reliable sources, sir.

RUMSFELD: I had a feeling that was the case.

Tasting notes: The expected tight, elegant, age-worthy wine from this secretary. Excellent. Take his cue: Buy a case.

QUESTION: Secretary Myers, I mean General Myers, can you just outline any British involvement in...

RUMSFELD: Now you've given my title as well as my...

QUESTION: Well, he's bigger than you are, Mr. Secretary.

RUMSFELD: He sure is.

Tasting Notes: Fantastic, gamey, evolved nose. Nice fruit and length. Creamy, keroseney, interesting nose. Very spritzy. Good for years yet.

Monday, Oct. 15:

QUESTION: Mr. Secretary, the skipper of the Enterprise used the phrase "clean-up mode" to describe the state of the airstrikes, sort of suggesting that they're almost wrapped up. You seem to be suggesting they could go on for a while longer than you expected at the beginning.

RUMSFELD: Go with me.

Tasting notes: Bold and authoritative. Real meaty depth with some tannins. Quite pleasing to the palate. Serve immediately.

If this is a new kind of war, then Don Rumsfeld is a new kind of briefer. The Bordeaux of briefing. A fine cabernet in a fine Cabinet. Please pour me another glass.

Howard Mortman is senior columnist at The Hotline, the National Journal Group's daily briefing on politics.

[Wright is right!]

The press is now operating in Saturday Night Live Parody mode. If you'll remember back to the Gulf War, SNL ran a parody briefing in which reporters axed questions of "the general." Questions such are,

"General, which military secrets are we of greatest risk of losing to the Iraqis?"

"General, if there's one point in our attack where we're most vulnerable to Iraq, where would that be?"

"General, at what time and exactly where do you plan to strike, and can you give us a precise troop count in the attacking force?"

"General, can you provide a specific time frame when the photo-recon satellites are overhead?"

"General, what time do you anticipate bombing Saddam Hussein and which palace will you be bombing?"

"General, this is not for broadcast, just on broad background (every cameraman in the room zooms in, flashes popping, scribes furiously taking notes) can you draw us a map of the precise troop movements you plan to use?"

It was a parody then. They do it every day in real life now. Eight years of X42(i) have made them think that they'd actually get an answer.

Saturday Night Live doesn't need to do a parody of them. All they need to do is run the actual press conferences.

Michael

[Carolina]

it makes me crave some Champagne. A little too early in the morning, don't you think?

On the contrary, mimosa (champagne mixed with orange juice) is an elegant way to start your day!!!!

Mix equal parts chilled champagne and orange juice. Mmmmmm.

[Tex-Con-Man]

I'm not sure I understand all the comparisons to Madeleine "Not At" Albright. The SecDef for Clinton was even more of a wimp. William Cohen. What a stark contrast "he" is to the current office holder.

[Libertarian_4_eva]

I liked his answer about them not making cookies in those ammo dumps the best.

[RadicalRik]

I don't know why, but every time I see Secretary Donald Rumsfeld I'm reminded of Henry Fonda as Admiral Chester W. Nimitz in the movie Midway.

[biblewonk]

My wife has got to see this!

[prognostigaator]

"If this is a new kind of war, then Don Rumsfeld is a new kind of briefer. The Bordeaux of briefing. A fine cabernet in a fine Cabinet....."

But but but Hillary stole the silver somalier tasting cup!

[cake_crumb]

I love his press conferences too. I remember hearing him say some of these. Big Rumsfeld BUMP.

[lawgirl]

I completely ADORE Sec. "mad dog" Rumsfeld! I think he does have icewater in his veins--in any case he is a true patriot that does NOT like 5000 of his citizens getting blown up--including those he knew personally in his own building. I think he takes this very personally.

[mtngrl@vrwc]

RUMSFELD: You all have gotten in the habit of asking three questions at once. And it would sure make life simpler if you didn't.

LOL! I just love Donald Rumsfeld! He is a breath of fresh air in an administration that is already known for it's openness and honesty!

[eureka!]

Very, very clever. What a great SecDef. Thanks for the post SWL.

John-thought you'd find this a fun read. You might want to ping the gang--I would not be so presumptuous. ;^)

[RooRoobird14]

I don't think Rumsfeld is "a little bit crazy" at all.

Rumsfeld is the MASTER of slapping down snivelling reporters with their stupid questions, but doing so with finesse and class. Having to deal with the same ridiculous "What's your mission, where are the troops,what kinds of weapons do you have?" questions every day requires the patience of a saint.

I LOVE THIS GUY!!!! He is one tough old bird, and I'm supremely grateful he's part of the team that's in charge right now.

[KC_Conspirator]

Now if we could just get rid of Stephanopolous (a cheap near beer), and Bill Clinton (a screwtop, rancid Thunderbird), it could stay that way!

LOL!

[kayak]

bttt

[texasbluebell]

Rumsfeld was CEO at Searle when my husband first started working there in the late 70s. Rummy, as he was fondly known, took no prisoners even then. He was known as a hatchet man, and many heads rolled as he successfully got Searle into a winning position.

Despite being a wealthy man then, though not nearly as much as he was later to become, the soles of his shoes had holes in them, and he just didn't care. There were too many more important things to him than that!

My husband went to see the movie "Rockie" around that time, and happened to be sitting in the row right behind Rumsfeld and his family. Rumsfeld was quite into the movie, cheering at various parts of it. A real gung-ho kind of guy!

[mercy]

BUMP

[hillsborofox]

I couldn't agree more with Mr. Mortman.

As a matter of fact, I would like to share a bottle of good red with Sec. Rumsfeld (May I call you Don?), in an alcove at the Tabard Inn, alone... . Sigh, the man is dreamy!

[hillsborofox]

Correction: May I call you Rummy?

[reaganite]

I adore Rumsfeld. He's wise, humorous and tough. He also looks incredibly like my grandfather (who re-upped during WWI). Loved this article!

[Two Thirds Vote Aye]

Speaking of the Department of Defense, I have to confess that I don't remember which radio show I was listening to nor who the military official was that was being interviewed, but the question was whether or not the Deputy Secretary of Defense was a "hawk". "No", replied the official. "I would describe him as a velociraptor."