Posted on 11/27/2014 5:06:40 PM PST by SJackson
Wisconsinites will inevitably suffer from a miserable Thanksgiving weekend, thanks to intoxicated relatives.
Turns out Wisconsinites’ hopes for a happy Thanksgiving are no more than a pleasant post-Turkey dream, dreams which will soon be shattered by the horrible reality of “drunk uncles.”
Estately, which brought us rankings like “Which U.S. States Most Love the 1980s?” (note: Wisconsin ranks ninth) and “What if the Most Scottish States in America Formed an Independent Country?” came out with a new, festive ranking, outlining the states most and least likely to have a miserable Thanksgiving.
The site listed Wisconsin as fifth most likely for having a miserable Thanksgiving based on six criteria, whose data points were derived primarily from a mixture of government studies, Facebook data and election results.
The criteria are as follows:
1. Food poisoning likelihood, based on salmonella cases — Wisconsin ranks 33rd.
2. Likelihood of drunk relatives around the Thanksgiving table — Wisconsin ranks first (of course).
3. Likelihood of a political argument disrupting holiday festivities — Wisconsin ranks 10th.
4. Dietary restrictions, including diabetes and vegetarianism, which could impact the quality of Thanksgiving dinner — Wisconsin ranks 11th.
5. Likelihood of favorite NFL team losing a Thanksgiving game — Wisconsin ranks 12th.
6. Likelihood of guests skipping out early to start Black Friday shopping — Wisconsin ranks 27th.
For the record, Ohio, Iowa, Pennsylvania and Arizona ranked above Wisconsin. But if you plan on actually having an enjoyable Turkey Day in this state, think about excluding alcohol from the shopping list — or just exclude drunk relatives from the guest list — and enjoy your mashed potatoes and cranberries in sober solitude.
My dad gambled for a living after he came home from WW2. So I learned quite a bit. The first thing he taught me was “You suck at gambling,son”.
heh, not a bad thing for some folks to learn...
I once hosted a dinner party and that our one vegan aquaintence was attending, I went out of my way to make vegan items available. I actually made hummus from scratch... making the Tahini in a mortar and pestle from certified organic sesame seeds... and mashed up the garbanzos by hand because I had no food processor. It turned out wonderfully... but was a LOT of work... especially when, as it turned out, that couple was a NO SHOW/NO CALL.
Add to the fact that they were both stark raving mad lunatic liberals... I vowed that next time I would offer up nothing but meat products.
Hope you’re holding up your end of things.
“I actually made hummus from scratch... making the Tahini in a mortar and pestle from certified organic sesame seeds... and mashed up the garbanzos by hand because I had no food processor. “
I wouldn’t do that for my most favorite person in the world.
:-)
.
These rankings are 1000% bogus but what they hey! Have another pop and it all makes sense.
hahhahhah famous Rockwell
I had an argument with the sister-in-law probably close to 15 years ago during Thanksgiving. She’s a libtardian school teacher. I made her cry and it was later related to my wife that it was because “I used logic”...
We haven’t had a holiday meal over at the mother in laws place since they pulled the plug on the wife’s father without calling her, and the SIL was thick in that. I think they have a laboratory there that researches advancing dysfunction.
Cook your turkey until done and wash your Bleeping cutting boards.
Likelihood of drunk relatives around the Thanksgiving table
Don't serve alcohol.
3. Likelihood of a political argument disrupting holiday festivities
Try this
4. Dietary restrictions, including diabetes and vegetarianism, which could impact the quality of Thanksgiving dinner
Tell 'em they can either eat what is served or go hungry. (Also known as the "Like it or Lump it" option)
5. Likelihood of favorite NFL team losing a Thanksgiving game
See that word "game"? As in an amusing activity of no real importents.
6. Likelihood of guests skipping out early to start Black Friday shopping
And you care that they are leaving because....? Didn't sound like they were great guests to begin with. Sit back and enjoy the time with the people who choose to stay.
My favorite uncle was a highly recruited big ole white boy tailback in high school....who lost his full ride to UGA...and prolly an NFL career...to a cheap shot that broke his back in his last game as a high school senior. That was 1972. He stayed smashed ass drunk from then until 1989 or so. Every minute of every day.
That being said....he was and still is a brilliant and good man. He is in relatively good health.
My life long friend of 40 years had a pulpwooding uncle who was a bad alcoholic. The kind that drank aftershave and listerine if no real hooch was available. It is a miracle pulpwooding the old school way smashed drunk didnt kill him...but like many other alcoholics...he is in good health as compared to others his age.
It’s the kind of comment my folks would have said to me sober...in a sarcastic but funny way. 13 year old, newly raging hormones and looking at pretty girls...I had it said to me quite a few times!
(they were right.. I wouldn’t have known what to do...just turn red and quickly exit the situation!)
Serve the drinks, chuck out the TV.
Hahaha...boy, I wouldn’t go back to being thirteen for all the money in the world (unless I could go back and take my current brain with me!)
You are a slave to your hormones! (or at least it FEELS that way!)
Well, all of my Uncles were Cops, Firemen Machinists or worked for Miller Brewing Company in Milwaukeestan, where I grew up.
A better bunch of Uncles a girl could never have. In fact, I remember my Mom being SO p*ssed when I turned 18 and they took me out drinking for the first time. (My Mom was older than them by 14 years, which left them in their mid-20’s by the time I came of age.)
They said, ‘If we don’t teach her, she’s just going to learn from amateurs!’
And seriously, I learned to hold my liquor and I have never ONCE been drunk and disorderly in public or at Thanksgiving Dinner. :)
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