Homeland Security has advice for confronting mass murders: scissors (Idiots)

NY Post ^ | : 5:44 AM, January 31, 2013 | S.A. Miller

[onyx]

WASHINGTON — Is your workplace getting shot up by a crazed gunman?

No problem — just grab a pair of scissors and fight back!

That’s some of the helpful advice in a new instructional video from the Department of Homeland Security that was posted on the agency’s Web site just a month after the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut.

[muawiyah]

The Army has two doctrines regarding ambush ~ if you're too close to the enemy to take effective cover, then attack. If, on the other hand, you are too far away from the enemy to properly engage, withdraw AND take cover ~ or both ~ whichever is convenient.

Remember, that's an ambush.

HS is not properly portraying the doctrines and will leave people confused. And I'm not sure it's applicable at all in a multi-story building. First, you need two entrances. Secondly, know where the stairwells are. The killer comes in the front, go out the back to the nearest stairwell. Then escape. If the killer comes in the back, go out the front to the nearest stairwell. Then escape. DO NOT WAIT ON THE ELEVATOR.

If you have on high heels, get rid of them now.

Never rent office space with less than two functioning entrances.

Guns as required.

[PlateOfShrimp]

Yeah, but what if he brings a rock? Better bring some paper just to be sure. (Life asymptotes to Monty Python.)

[panaxanax]

Will ‘high-capacity’ desk drawers capable of holding more than 7 pairs of scissors be banned?

Time to arm ourselves with assault hedge-clippers!!

[SampleMan]

Nobody NEEDS a pair of pointy sharp scissors.

I'm OK with legitimate scissors for the crafting sports, but there is no room for high capacity 12” shears in the workplace.

And we need to close the garage sale loophole, where just anyone off the street can grab a Fiskars 12-9653 6984 Titanium Nitride 12” Shop Shears. You don't need Titanium Nitride shears to open a packet of cocoa.

This isn't about controlling scissors, its about safety. Countless children find scissors just setting in a drawer or laying out in the open, and then they hold the upright and run with them.

[xzins]

Rotflol!

Thanks, Laz.

One for the archives.

[onyx]

LOL. Yes, and those electric ones would be great!

[onyx]

Thanks very much! I was pinged to that, but haven’t gotten there yet.

[Clyde5445]

I almost forgot to mention cowbells can stop bullets in a ninja sort of way.

[onyx]

ROTFLOLOL.

DJ, come see SampleMan’s comments!

[onyx]

Is that so!

[NY.SS-Bar9]

You left out the $200.00 tax stamp for full-auto electric shears.

[DJ MacWoW]

Dang right! And think of the carnage if left in a chair! Why Alice Johnson sat on a pair in the 30’s and never forgot it!

[onyx]

These or Scissors in the Eye?



Molon Labe

Please Support Free Republic Today!!

[TomGuy]

Rock

Paper

Scissors

Gun

Gun!!!!!! That sort of changes things.

[Clyde5445]

Yes thats so at least that what the farmer down the street told me. He is an expert in cowbells and what they can be used for.

[FreedomPoster]

Oleg rocks.

[DJ MacWoW]

It takes many years of practice grasshopper. Not just anyone can say “More cowbell!”.

[Borax Queen]

Just wow..... I’d rather use my fangs.

[tbpiper]

The chemical plant where I work has a safety motto that says "The relentless pursuit of an accident free work place". So with that noble goal in mind, one of the many outstanding ideas was to disallow the use of any pair of scissors that did not have the points rounded off elementary school style.

That means that I will have to stab the crazed gunman with much greater force possibly incuring an injury to my sholder...

[Clyde5445]

Hey I ain’t no grasshopper. Those are fightin words, 50 pace with scissors just don’t trip you might impale yourself.