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That Terrible 'Ted' Movie
Townhall.com ^ | July 6, 2012 | Brent Bozell

Posted on 07/06/2012 5:45:32 AM PDT by Kaslin

Seth MacFarlane, whose $100 million contract with Fox makes him the highest paid TV writer in history, is now trying to take over the cineplex, with the same old shtick. You could pluck his oeuvre out of the summer movie-preview articles without any difficulty. His was the one where the teddy bear comes to life and becomes a profane slacker who practically lives inside a bong and hires hookers in groups.

The movie's title is "Ted." It won its opening weekend with a $54 million gross at the box office. Clearly, MacFarlane's fans cannot consume enough of his pop-culture sewage.

"Ted" is a fitting metaphor for MacFarlane himself. He is the magical creation everyone in Hollywood seems to find as cute as a furry stuffed animal. He's made his fortune by putting the crudest, most offensive utterances in the mouths of babies, dogs and completely idiotic man-children. Hollywood is never having to grow up.

So the idea that this movie would center on a real man-boy named John Bennett who must grow up seems odd. Why grow up? Perpetual adolescence clearly has worked for some people. Here again, MacFarlane is Ted, holding back the real slackers by keeping them in a state of mental pimple-popping for his own personal gain.

This is the plot: As a boy, Bennett has no friends, so on Christmas night he wishes on a shooting star that his teddy bear could really talk to him and be his best friend -- and then it happens. But it's supposedly much funnier when the movie fast forwards 27 years, and Bennett and his teddy bear are pot-smoking losers who watch too much television.

Now as one of Hollywood's most vicious atheists, it would seem like quite a sellout for MacFarlane to make a movie with a "magic wishes" plot centering on Christmas night, no less. This movie pounds away with the usual and very tired Whack-a-Mole jokes about sex, drugs and bodily functions, presumably because it can't really plot its way out of a paper bag. Even the wish-upon-a-star thing is as old as "Pinocchio."

Ask the film critics. A.O. Scott of The New York Times believes some overgrown spoiled brat in Tinseltown is phoning it in. "The sin of 'Ted' is not that it is offensive but that it is boring, lazy and wildly unoriginal. If Triumph the Insult Comic Dog ever got a hold of Ted, there would be nothing left but a pile of fluff and a few scraps of fur."

That's our cultural elite for you. There's nothing wrong with being offensive, but there's something dreadfully wrong with being boring and unoriginal.

Scott isn't done bashing our boob-tube anti-hero. "The feature film is not a hospitable form for Mr. MacFarlane. He has no particular visual knack, little interest in storytelling and nothing better to do with his naughty bear besides stuff him into a soft, sentimental comedy that seems almost proud of its lack of wit or conviction."

Now wait a minute. Did he actually write that the "Family Guy" flatulence-joke specialist made a "soft, sentimental comedy"? Try and locate that concept within this cow pie of vulgarity.

When Ted is forced to take a job at a supermarket -- don't try to make any sense of it -- he comes on to a sleazy fellow employee by not only doing pelvic thrusts, but also by spraying himself in the face with hand lotion -- a porny orgasm shot on a teddy bear. That should cause Scott to rethink that "soft comedy" bit.

But the film ends on a thoroughly sappy note. Ted gets ripped in half, and then comes back to life after being sewn back together and more wishing on a shooting star. It's the kind of "My Little Pony" ending that MacFarlane would eagerly mock with both ink barrels if someone else made this kind of movie ending.

A few weeks back, MacFarlane appeared with his real-life, bong-hit buddy Bill Maher and praised the integrity of Sen. Al Franken: "He's still -- he's a human being and you don't get a sense that he's sold out to the machine."

Anyone who's seen the ending of "Ted" would wonder if MacFarlane's become so addicted to the money that he's completely sold out to the "happy ending" Hollywood machine. How can someone so supremely cynical go so sentimental that NPR's Bob Mondello would actually say he made a "date movie"?

But then, MacFarlane always tries to moonwalk his way out of his cultural oil spill by washing off a contaminated bird or two. It's sad that so many so-called smart people let him get away with this sleazy song and dance. It's sadder still that anyone would endorse it with his or her cinema dollars.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Editorial
KEYWORDS: sethmacfarlane
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To: Swashbuckler99

It’s amazing that people will defend the right to pour sewage like this out, but attack anybody who dares criticize it.

What a twisted view of free speech.


41 posted on 07/06/2012 7:55:37 AM PDT by Do Not Make Fun Of His Ears (John Roberts did more to endanger the lives of Americans than all 9/11 hijackers combined.)
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To: Sans-Culotte

>>Why do so many think that Bozell is saying McFarlane should not have had a right to make it? And in the same breath, they seem to be alleging that Bozell should not have been allowed to write the review?<<

Exactly.


42 posted on 07/06/2012 7:56:28 AM PDT by Do Not Make Fun Of His Ears (John Roberts did more to endanger the lives of Americans than all 9/11 hijackers combined.)
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To: albie
My daughter and boyfriend went to see this and loved it!

Comedy is certainly subjective.

I put the categories into Laurel and Hardy or The Three Stooges.

Being a Laurel and Hardy type, the humor of, say, McFarland or the Farrelly Brothers leaves me stoned faced.

I couldn't fine a single laugh in Dumb and Dumber.

43 posted on 07/06/2012 7:58:35 AM PDT by eddie willers
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To: napscoordinator

Seth McF is a vile scumbag just as despicable as Bill Maher.
Why would I want to contribute to Obama and the dims through this guy? I try not to do business with communists every day and I also do not associate with them in everyday life.

Eff'em.

44 posted on 07/06/2012 8:00:47 AM PDT by red-dawg (If muslims are exempt from Obamacare, then my name is Mohammed Suks.)
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To: Kaslin
"NPR's Bob Mondello would actually say he made a "date movie"?"

Because, as you can see from the replies on this very thread, people are so desensitized that they can actually relax to vulgarity.

45 posted on 07/06/2012 8:52:48 AM PDT by StAnDeliver
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To: Kaslin

OK, I admit..I saw Ted and loved it. Crude but very funny.

And I am still a Conservative

Oh, and the “thanks for 9/11” line had me in stitches. For a liberal, MacFarlane has no problem with being not politically correct

It should be noted that, the same people who run the allegedly “conservative” Fox News, are the same ones paying MacFarlane 100 million for his services

I usually avoid films that are patently offensive...but Ted was just too funny.


46 posted on 07/06/2012 9:12:30 AM PDT by SeminoleCounty (Sad....George Zimmerman is in jail for rightfully defending himself...while Eric Holder walks free)
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To: red-dawg

Why would I want to contribute to Obama and the dims through this guy?

You don’t....the beauty of living in a free country. I actually like that button of McCain/Palin....very nice looking.


47 posted on 07/06/2012 9:51:07 AM PDT by napscoordinator
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To: driftless2

Very much....


48 posted on 07/06/2012 9:58:04 AM PDT by napscoordinator
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To: Swashbuckler99

It’s disturbing to me that conservative people see no issues with movies

Oh well. I find it more disturbing that supposed conservatives are accepting Romney as the Republican nominee but you know what that is life. Which situation is worse for our country? Ted or liberal Romney???? It will be 100 percent Liberal Romney.


49 posted on 07/06/2012 10:01:23 AM PDT by napscoordinator
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To: napscoordinator
"I find it more disturbing that supposed conservatives are accepting Romney as the Republican nominee but you know what that is life. Which situation is worse for our country? Ted or liberal Romney???? It will be 100 percent Liberal Romney."

Someone who supports the sewer of movies that Hollyjunk dumps into the mainstream, yet is a top-10 supposedly more-conservative-than-thou glass chewer here on FR, and goes so far as to suggest that a the portrayal morally-decrepit teddy bear, mouthed by a virulent militant atheist, is a better thing for our country than a successful MBA/JD married 43 years to the same woman ... I find that ... amusing.

You need to check your compass.

50 posted on 07/06/2012 10:16:27 AM PDT by StAnDeliver
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To: Kaslin
I always wondered who the market was for McFarlane's puerile, stupid crap.

After reading this thread, I guess now I know.

51 posted on 07/06/2012 10:22:22 AM PDT by Trailerpark Badass
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To: StAnDeliver

goes so far as to suggest that a the portrayal morally-decrepit teddy bear, mouthed by a virulent militant atheist, is a better thing for our country than a successful MBA/JD married 43 years to the same woman ... I find that ... amusing.

You need to check your compass.

You are sadly mistaken. You are the one that is in serious trouble. I don’t know of any teddy bear (foul mouthed or otherwise) who has supported killing innocent babies, but your candidate liberal Romney has supported murdering babies. Yes I will say it again.....LIBERAL ROMNEY IS MUCH WORSE FOR THE COUNTRY THAN TED THE MOVIE!!!!! I will say it again and again if you can’t get that through your thick skull!!!! Oh by the way....You need to check your compass!!!!


52 posted on 07/06/2012 11:37:01 AM PDT by napscoordinator
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To: Kaslin

Porny scatological cartoons like the ones this scum writes for are part of the reason we can go weeks—if not months—in our house without turning the TV on. Why do I need a cultural sewer-pipe discharging in my living room?


53 posted on 07/06/2012 11:46:21 AM PDT by Antoninus (Sorry, gone rogue.)
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To: Kaslin

Porny scatological cartoons like the ones this scum writes for are part of the reason we can go weeks—if not months—in our house without turning the TV on. Why do I need a cultural sewer-pipe discharging in my living room?


54 posted on 07/06/2012 11:46:37 AM PDT by Antoninus (Sorry, gone rogue.)
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To: discostu
Seth seems to be trying to prove he can do something other than fart jokes, but the fart jokes are awesome.

There you have it in a nutshell why this country has fallen and can't get up. Our "adults" are perpetual adolescents who can't get enough fart jokes.

Note--most mature people stopped laughing at fart jokes after age 18.
55 posted on 07/06/2012 11:51:16 AM PDT by Antoninus (Sorry, gone rogue.)
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To: Antoninus

Or maybe our problem is a bunch of stodgy whiners that go through life looking for reasons to think they’re better than other people.

I’ve been married for 20 years, I hold down a good job, a product has NEVER missed release date because of me, I pay my taxes, I pay my bills, I’m a good role model to my friends’ kids, I’ve got the adulthood thing covered. But fart jokes are still freaking funny and I pray God I never get so pathetically old and boring that they stop.


56 posted on 07/06/2012 3:23:02 PM PDT by discostu (Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends.)
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To: discostu
Or maybe our problem is a bunch of stodgy whiners that go through life looking for reasons to think they’re better than other people.

Looking around at our culture, what it values, and the direction it's headed....nah, I don't think that's it.

57 posted on 07/06/2012 3:27:51 PM PDT by Trailerpark Badass
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To: Trailerpark Badass

Looking around at our culture and the number of folks like you who seem to only seek chances to stroke their ego I think so. Really, snooty ego is the calling sign of the pathetic. Lots of people spending hours and hours talking about how stupid everybody else is because they watch this or don’t believe that, never bothering to figure out that if they were really as cool as they want people to think they wouldn’t need to build their ego on the shoulders of others.

Everybody that thinks the problems with society are people watching silly movies needs to get over themselves. The problem is people who think they know better than everybody else, that’s the hallmark of liberalism, a bunch of people thinking regular people can’t take care of themselves so the government and other “smart” people should be deciding everything for them. If all the people who think they’re better than everybody else would just shut the hell up and leave the rest of us alone we wouldn’t have socialized medicine, or a war on drugs, or welfare. It’s the egomaniacs screwing up the world.


58 posted on 07/06/2012 3:35:05 PM PDT by discostu (Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends.)
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To: discostu
LOL, looks like I hit a nerve.

I am a little jealous that the vast bulk of our popular culture is aimed at perpetual adolescents like you. Enjoy your fart jokes, your comic book superhero movies, and wallow in your superiority knowing you are not one of those snooty folks with standards.

59 posted on 07/06/2012 3:47:31 PM PDT by Trailerpark Badass
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To: Kaslin

Brent Bozell needs to lighten the hell up


60 posted on 07/06/2012 3:51:31 PM PDT by stuck_in_new_orleans
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