Posted on 07/06/2012 5:45:32 AM PDT by Kaslin
Seth MacFarlane, whose $100 million contract with Fox makes him the highest paid TV writer in history, is now trying to take over the cineplex, with the same old shtick. You could pluck his oeuvre out of the summer movie-preview articles without any difficulty. His was the one where the teddy bear comes to life and becomes a profane slacker who practically lives inside a bong and hires hookers in groups.
The movie's title is "Ted." It won its opening weekend with a $54 million gross at the box office. Clearly, MacFarlane's fans cannot consume enough of his pop-culture sewage.
"Ted" is a fitting metaphor for MacFarlane himself. He is the magical creation everyone in Hollywood seems to find as cute as a furry stuffed animal. He's made his fortune by putting the crudest, most offensive utterances in the mouths of babies, dogs and completely idiotic man-children. Hollywood is never having to grow up.
So the idea that this movie would center on a real man-boy named John Bennett who must grow up seems odd. Why grow up? Perpetual adolescence clearly has worked for some people. Here again, MacFarlane is Ted, holding back the real slackers by keeping them in a state of mental pimple-popping for his own personal gain.
This is the plot: As a boy, Bennett has no friends, so on Christmas night he wishes on a shooting star that his teddy bear could really talk to him and be his best friend -- and then it happens. But it's supposedly much funnier when the movie fast forwards 27 years, and Bennett and his teddy bear are pot-smoking losers who watch too much television.
Now as one of Hollywood's most vicious atheists, it would seem like quite a sellout for MacFarlane to make a movie with a "magic wishes" plot centering on Christmas night, no less. This movie pounds away with the usual and very tired Whack-a-Mole jokes about sex, drugs and bodily functions, presumably because it can't really plot its way out of a paper bag. Even the wish-upon-a-star thing is as old as "Pinocchio."
Ask the film critics. A.O. Scott of The New York Times believes some overgrown spoiled brat in Tinseltown is phoning it in. "The sin of 'Ted' is not that it is offensive but that it is boring, lazy and wildly unoriginal. If Triumph the Insult Comic Dog ever got a hold of Ted, there would be nothing left but a pile of fluff and a few scraps of fur."
That's our cultural elite for you. There's nothing wrong with being offensive, but there's something dreadfully wrong with being boring and unoriginal.
Scott isn't done bashing our boob-tube anti-hero. "The feature film is not a hospitable form for Mr. MacFarlane. He has no particular visual knack, little interest in storytelling and nothing better to do with his naughty bear besides stuff him into a soft, sentimental comedy that seems almost proud of its lack of wit or conviction."
Now wait a minute. Did he actually write that the "Family Guy" flatulence-joke specialist made a "soft, sentimental comedy"? Try and locate that concept within this cow pie of vulgarity.
When Ted is forced to take a job at a supermarket -- don't try to make any sense of it -- he comes on to a sleazy fellow employee by not only doing pelvic thrusts, but also by spraying himself in the face with hand lotion -- a porny orgasm shot on a teddy bear. That should cause Scott to rethink that "soft comedy" bit.
But the film ends on a thoroughly sappy note. Ted gets ripped in half, and then comes back to life after being sewn back together and more wishing on a shooting star. It's the kind of "My Little Pony" ending that MacFarlane would eagerly mock with both ink barrels if someone else made this kind of movie ending.
A few weeks back, MacFarlane appeared with his real-life, bong-hit buddy Bill Maher and praised the integrity of Sen. Al Franken: "He's still -- he's a human being and you don't get a sense that he's sold out to the machine."
Anyone who's seen the ending of "Ted" would wonder if MacFarlane's become so addicted to the money that he's completely sold out to the "happy ending" Hollywood machine. How can someone so supremely cynical go so sentimental that NPR's Bob Mondello would actually say he made a "date movie"?
But then, MacFarlane always tries to moonwalk his way out of his cultural oil spill by washing off a contaminated bird or two. It's sad that so many so-called smart people let him get away with this sleazy song and dance. It's sadder still that anyone would endorse it with his or her cinema dollars.
I have no idea if the movie is anti-Christian, only that it was made by an atheist.
There’s an article above this which asks, “Is It Too Late To Save America?”
I think the answer is found right here.
You are so right. I love watching old TV shows on MeTV and it amazes me how far our culture has fallen since those shows were on.
Don’t get down on Bozell- he is reviewing it- not declaring that thg government should have stopped him from making it
MacFarland has one of those twisted pathetic lives that makes money and a living off of being vulgar and stupid, kind of like Jerry Springer or Howard Stern.
I just wonder if at the end of their days they will think back to what disgusting filth they accomplished in life and live the remainder of their existance in mortal fear of the warm place that is certainly going to come next for a life so wasted.
Did you like “There’s Something About Mary” or “American Pie”?
the summary essentially describes a bunch of unlikable characters lost in pot smoking, cocain use and deviant behavior.
it is not even worth watching on free tv.
Ted’s hilarious, yeah it might drag a little in the third act as Seth seems to be trying to prove he can do something other than fart jokes, but the fart jokes are awesome. And there’s nothing wrong with a sentimental ending once in a while, it is after all a movie about wishes coming true, kind of sentimental to start with.
There are still movies made without the sewage. Bella; The Ultimate Gift; and many others.
Amazing how they don't have the obligatory sex scenes or profanity.
McFarlane hasn’t done anything honestly funny in ages... Family Guy jumped the shark long ago, Cleveland was never funny and neither was American Dad...
Ted looks like a red box special.
Tired and hack kneed schtick, his has become.
WhileI admit I love movies like Ted and Team America, it was refreshing totake my kid to see "Snow White and the Huntsman". Snow White saying the Lords Prayer, the fightfor freedom against an evil dictator, sacrifice, and the only sex was a simple kiss on the lips. Every conservative should take their kids to see that movie.
I’ll admit that FG has become pretty stale as of late. We DVR the shows, but more often than not, we stop and delete it about halfway through.
Cleveland has its moments, but yes, I’m actually shocked that it’s still on the air.
American Dad is actually quite funny in a very dark way. There have been some episodes that forced me to change the channel, but I think they’ve got a winner with Roger and Klaus, at a minimum. Give me a show with Brian, Stewie, Klaus, and Roger, and we might have something.
Someone earlier in the thread mentioned Futurama, a Groening (Simpsons) show, and I will say that I am immensely amused by the new Futurama eps on Comedy Central. Why Fox canceled Futurama is completely beyond my comprehension. They need to dump some of the crap on Sunday’s Animation Domination and fit Futurama back in there with a full staff. Groening would do well to have a backup when the Simpsons take a bow and the curtain closes on that 20 year animation experiment.
I thought the idea of a magical Teddy Bear growing up and hanging around was inspired, but the trailers left me cold. A good idea wasted as just another Adam Sandler clone.
The guys at South Park had it right. Seth can tell a joke but not a coherent story.
He is the Henny Youngman of his generation.
Seth McFarlane is an unbelievably talented freaking genius.
It may be kind of stupid, but I was turned off by Ted having the Peter Griffin voice. It’s such a well-known voice that it immediately pulled me out of the movie (trailer). Maybe it’s not that bad once you’re in the theater.
My daughter and boyfriend went to see this and loved it! Both are good conservative freshman in college, state champion tennis players, “A to B” students in engineering and laughed so much it hurt. I trust their opinion and they said it was a harmless, funny movie.
Not every movie is good guys shooting bad guys. Are we supposed to boycott the movie? Hold a candlelight vigil outside the theatre and pray for the people coming out?
Still, "Ted" elicited out loud laughs from me which few movies ever do.
I don't get why so many are down on Bosell for this review. Why do so many think that Bozell is saying McFarlane should not have had a right to make it? And in the same breath, they seem to be alleging that Bozell should not have been allowed to write the review?
All I got from the review is that Ted appears to be the steaming pile I assumed it would be. I almost never go to new movies anymore. I prefer old movies made by people who are now dead.
“Bozell needs to lighten up.”
Doesn’t he have the as much right to criticize cultural rot as Hollywood has to make it?
I think so.
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