I was precisely clear before we got married what acceptable means as far as bedroom stuff. Twice a week. Once a month lingerie, and occasional surprise in a dress and heels when I get home from work. I was clear, I was precise, and she agreed.
That was four years ago. Not one time in the dress, maybe 4 times with the lingerie after I bugged her, and maybe once every three weeks at all saying yes, after I nag her which makes me feel like some kind of rapist or something.
Last night she told me she'll never wear lingerie or put on a dress for me again because it makes her uncomfortable.
Literally ten minutes later she asks me to measure her for a bridesmaid's dress for a friend, I kid you not.
Last night for the first time in years, I looked at porn. I'm scum and going to hell, but so is she. Same old crap the first wife did that drove me to the same place.
Maybe some ladies will see this post and some good can come from it.
You're acting like a "nice guy". She is confident that she has you wrapped around her finger, and can therefore safely treat you with contempt.
>>Last night for the first time in years, I looked at porn. I’m scum and going to hell, but so is she. Same old crap the first wife did that drove me to the same place.<<
Seriously, before you go onto any more porn, go talk to your pastor. Because you sound like you’re doing everything right. However, either you aren’t seeing the big picture or she is taking total advantage of you.
Don’t lead yourself to sin out of spite. You’re better than that.
Stop with the porn immediately. It has been shown that it truly is addicting and even causes the exact kind of physical changes in the brain that drug addiction causes. Don’t be dragged into something that will become master of you.
Have you and your wife visited a marriage counselor? I suggest you find one immediately, and make sure he bases his work on Biblical principles.
Hmmm. Did you have a problem with porn before you married her? If so, the problem is not her. Perhaps she feels that you're using her as a substitute for your porn fantasies rather than relating to her personally in the bedroom.
You need to talk to her about this issue. I mean talk...not demand. That means finding out EXACTLY what is bothering her about the lingerie/dress thing and why does it turn her off. Does she feel that you're making love to a stand-in i.e. one of your porn figures?
Talking about it is very hard to do...because neither she nor you may be able to articulate well if you haven't discussed it before. It may take time to formulate your thoughts. But this will likely continue to be a problem for you (the evidence is that you say it happened with Wife #1 too so may be a pattern) until there is some real verbal communication in this area which admittedly is often one of the most difficult things for couples to discuss.
That’s so sad. I’m sorry.
This just doesn't sound romantic to me at all. It sounds so legalistic like you've laid down these demands, these twice a week, once a month quotas that she has to meet. I think if it was laid down like that to me, I wouldn't be in the mood either. Maybe she feels like when she puts the lingerie and the dress on, you're looking at her as more of an object than a person. She might feel like a player in a porn fantasy. Perhaps you could just sit back, be kind to her, and let her come to you in her time, even if it takes several weeks. If she feels like putting the lingerie and dress on aren't a demand but something that will make you and her happy, maybe she'll be willing. If not, perhaps you could see a counselor to help you work it out. One thing is for sure, porn is not the answer. It's dehumanizing and contrary to God's plan for humanity. It might make you happy in the short term, but in the long term, it's going to lead you down the wrong road.