Posted on 11/09/2011 10:54:25 PM PST by This Just In
The funniest joke in the world:
The Second Funniest Joke ever:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
The Funniest jokes in different countries:
The Funniest Joke in the U.S.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
(Excerpt) Read more at innocentenglish.com ...
The Height of the Ridiculous
I wrote some lines once on a time,
In wondrous merry mood,
And thought, as usual, men would say
They were exceeding good.
They were so queer, so very queer,
I laughed as I would die;
Albeit, in the general way,
A sober man am I.
I called my servant, and he came;
How kind it was of him,
To mind a slender man like me,
He of the mighty limb!
“These to the printer,” I exclaimed,
And, in my humorous way,
I added (as a trifling jest),
“There’ll be the devil to pay.”
He took the paper, and I watched,
And saw him peep within;
As the first line he read, his face
Was all upon the grin.
He read the next: the grin grew broad,
And shot from ear to ear;
He read the third: a chuckling noise
I now began to hear.
The fourth: he broke into a roar;
The fifth: his waistband split;
The sixth: he burst five buttons off,
And tumbled in a fit.
Ten days and nights, with sleepless eye,
I watched that wretched man,
And since, I never dare to write
As funny as I can.
O.W.H
Reminds me of:
If a man is losing the hair on his head in the front, he is a thinker.
If he loses his hair in the back, he is a lover.
If he loses the hair on both the front and the back, he thinks he’s a lover.
In your mailbox? Bill
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter he wont come anyway.
Why Can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s a woman.
No respct I tell ya no respect at all, I told my son, “just wait one day you’ll have kids of your own!” He says to me “sure pop, so will you!”
A colored woman goes to see her pastor and confess she had had sex with a stranger that week.
As she confessed....(Comment removed by me before the moderator sees it!)
And it was funny!
A man walks onto a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
He proclaims..”I got a fighting parrot and can whip any bird in the house”!
another man promptly calls hIm out..”I’ve got a fighting rooster and will take on your parrot right here”!
The barflys form a circle as the parrot and rooster get ready to tangle!
The parrot owner is momentarily distracted and the rooster owner then slips on a pair of sharp fighting spurs.
They tangle! Suddenly the parrot breaks away and flies up to a light fixture and yells..
“LOOK OUT! THIS M*F* GOT A RAZOR!
"Jack and Jill went up the hill....."
“Little Boy Blue...”
“Hickory Dickory Dock”....”There was an old woman who lived in a shoe”...I got a million of ‘em - all memorialized on 8 track.
You want some ‘pomes’, I’ve got some f-—ing ‘pomes.’
We could put this thread down the hobbit hole real quick, but youse and I got way too much couth to kill a good thang.
I wrote a military joke I didn’t think would pass muster. When I hit the “Post” button it disappeared. There was not even a comment of being removed by moderator!
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