Posted on 11/08/2010 3:00:31 PM PST by Stand Watch Listen
I have evaluated numerous children whose only problems are that they live with loving and dedicated parents who are wimps. There is no psychological test yet to diagnose this disorder, but here is how you can assess yourself and perhaps avoid a visit to a therapist’s office.
1. Are you more concerned about your children’s feelings than their behaviors? Wimpy parents care excessively about making their children feel comfortable. While feelings are important, the real world judges us all on actions. Wimpy parents are reluctant to require their youngsters to do anything that may feel uncomfortable. One parent told me that she thought her overweight 7-year-old would benefit from playing recreational sports but the mom didn’t want to push her child into this activity because her child may not be able to keep up with the other youngsters.
2. Do you praise your children excessively? Wimpy parents make too big a deal of their children’s minor accomplishments. They often tell their kids how special they are, and inadvertently make their children addicted to praise and recognition. These kids have a hard time functioning without constant reassurance and become overly dependent upon the approval of others.
3. Do you give in on your discipline? Wimpy parents have good intentions but lack the self-confidence to follow through after disciplining their children. The kids recognize and take advantage of this weakness. “I never argue back after my mom grounds me,” one 10-year-old told me. “I just wait a few hours, whine a lot and she’ll eventually let me do what I want.”
4. Do you feel guilty after disciplining your child? Strong parents see discipline as a way to teach their youngsters good behavior, and know that they are helping their kids. Wimpy parents feel guilty that they are hurting their children by depriving them of some privilege.
5. Are you inconsistent in your application of discipline? Because they care excessively about their kids’ feelings, wimpy parents avoid making tough decisions. These parents develop intricate pseudo-explanations to justify their inconsistencies. “I can tell when my child had a bad day at school and I probably let her talk back to me too much on those occasions” admitted one wimpy parent.
6. Do you talk endlessly to convince your children that your discipline is fair? Strong parents have no need for children to agree with family rules and consequences. They are confident and comfortable with their decisions and enforce them in a calm and reasonable manner. They acknowledge their children’s feelings, but don’t engage in debate or discussion over what is right.
7. Do you typically place your children’s needs above those of you and your spouse? Wimpy parents feel insecure in their relationships with their children. In this “kids first” type of family, personal and marital needs are of lower priority. The kids rule and infer an unrealistic sense of importance and power from the way they are treated.
Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at The Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org.
I suspect the ones who tell everyone they were perfect parents are the ones with problem children! ;) My youngest son just closed on his first house. My oh my, it’s more stressful when THEY buy a house than when we do!
BTW people are no better with their pets. It’s why I stopped training dogs for people years ago. The dogs were no problem. The owners made me really mad.
lol. I can see that perfectly! I have two barking dogs next door. They mind me nicely, they don’t mind their stupid owners.
Thank you.. Based on that, I am one of those 3 in 100.
It's not a easy job being a parent and I have made mistakes (luckily no big ones). That is what I refer to by saying I'm not a perfect parent
Isn't that the TRUTH !!!
I look at people in stores and restaurants and at work. There is barely a single backbone among them. Their children are out of control and the parents show no control.
Yes, very much so nowadays. Children shrieking (especially little girls ---HOW do they make those high-pitched squeal's??? ;), running wildly around in restaurants, malls. I was always concerned abut disturbing others in public areas so consequently I advocated children talking in a 'quiet' voice.
Then again, parents/adults are also guilty of these obnoxious, rude behaviors. With the advent of television, people became used to talking during movies. With the advent of cell phones, the noise factor assails one in public areas. polite society is in danger of becomeing extinct. Adult rudeness is a way of life I'm afraid and it carries down to the young ones. One is sometimes powerless to confront this unacceptable behavior. Because the parents that answer 'yes' to the aforementioned seven signs are the ones that will defend their precocious darlings and confront you as the busybody interloper.
All are no except, seven. That one *is* yes, but I define “needs” narrowly. Their *needs* come first. If there is one blanket they get the blanket. If there is one seat on the lifeboat for my child and me, the kid gets that seat. And so forth. But they do not need an I-pod, blue-ray or the latest cool sneaker, however badly they want them. Their needs come first, not their wants.
“HOW do they make those high-pitched squeal’s??? “
I have actually witnessed the parents encouraging their children to do that. It is like the parents want everyone to pay them some attention so they get their kid to scream. I’ve gotten several of these to be booted from restaurants and they get pissed off!
We’d all love to give our children anything and everything in the world, hoping it keeps them safe and sound and happy. Well, then there is reality, and a good strong head on their shoulders, a spine, and some common sense instilled through good parenting works just as well. They’ll have what they need, a lot of what they want, and they’ll be as safe as they can be.
There were a lot of times that I HATED my Parents for spanking me or not letting me have something. As an adult, I look back on that now and can't thank them enough. Parenting doesn't have to be complicated. Teach them the right ways and discipline them when they go astray. For most, they'll turn out OK.
P.S. I had a grandparent tell me his desire for raising good children is the hope they’ll deliver good grandchildren. If they don’t, he failed.
If we really needed books and complicated strategies for parenting we would never have gotten this far. :)
the time the kids could understand, I preached to them the important of getting a good education, a good job and becoming independent. They knew they could count on their father & I IF they needed us, but we would not provide a permanent home for capable adults.
I will never understand parents who do not raise their kids to be independent. It is our job to instill a sense of right/wrong and that the world will not just hand them a job, nor should they expect NOT to work and allow others to provide for them (welfare).
Worth repeating.
I am not heartless nor uncaring. For my family (immediate/extended), for friends, for society I readily extend a temporary 'safety net'. A net to catch them due to a hard fall and to bode them over some 'hard times'.
But for far too many members of our society that 'safety net' has evolved into a permanent 'hammock'. A hammock to now cocoon you from cradle to grave.
Then again, how do some of these parents raise their kids to be independent whereas the parents have become "dumb', 'depressed', 'dependent', and "Democrat' due to the governments "Great Society" hammock?
You are dead solid right!
We've discovered one thing over the years; he only acts like this when his grandmother is around. He's a perfect gentleman when she is not. It's her permissive attitude that emboldens him and makes him. So the problem now is how to get my sister to visit w/o bringing him and vice-versa.
That's just part of it. He's just like his mother who was also raised by my sister. I love my sister dearly, but she's just no good at child-rearing.
Stopping this will take years, if it ever can be done. Johnson's great society has been a huge mistake and is just evil where it destroyed the importance of marriage and rewarded us with the permanent welfare state, from birth to death, generation to generation.
Interesting. We've discovered the boy behaves perfectly when his mother is not around (when he is with us). he is well aware as much as we love him he will not get away with rudeness, disobeying us, sloppiness, etc. It's all a matter of consistency in the discipline and my wife is trying hard to get our daughter to take a stronger stand with him.
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