Posted on 11/08/2010 3:00:31 PM PST by Stand Watch Listen
I have evaluated numerous children whose only problems are that they live with loving and dedicated parents who are wimps. There is no psychological test yet to diagnose this disorder, but here is how you can assess yourself and perhaps avoid a visit to a therapist’s office.
1. Are you more concerned about your children’s feelings than their behaviors? Wimpy parents care excessively about making their children feel comfortable. While feelings are important, the real world judges us all on actions. Wimpy parents are reluctant to require their youngsters to do anything that may feel uncomfortable. One parent told me that she thought her overweight 7-year-old would benefit from playing recreational sports but the mom didn’t want to push her child into this activity because her child may not be able to keep up with the other youngsters.
2. Do you praise your children excessively? Wimpy parents make too big a deal of their children’s minor accomplishments. They often tell their kids how special they are, and inadvertently make their children addicted to praise and recognition. These kids have a hard time functioning without constant reassurance and become overly dependent upon the approval of others.
3. Do you give in on your discipline? Wimpy parents have good intentions but lack the self-confidence to follow through after disciplining their children. The kids recognize and take advantage of this weakness. “I never argue back after my mom grounds me,” one 10-year-old told me. “I just wait a few hours, whine a lot and she’ll eventually let me do what I want.”
4. Do you feel guilty after disciplining your child? Strong parents see discipline as a way to teach their youngsters good behavior, and know that they are helping their kids. Wimpy parents feel guilty that they are hurting their children by depriving them of some privilege.
5. Are you inconsistent in your application of discipline? Because they care excessively about their kids’ feelings, wimpy parents avoid making tough decisions. These parents develop intricate pseudo-explanations to justify their inconsistencies. “I can tell when my child had a bad day at school and I probably let her talk back to me too much on those occasions” admitted one wimpy parent.
6. Do you talk endlessly to convince your children that your discipline is fair? Strong parents have no need for children to agree with family rules and consequences. They are confident and comfortable with their decisions and enforce them in a calm and reasonable manner. They acknowledge their children’s feelings, but don’t engage in debate or discussion over what is right.
7. Do you typically place your children’s needs above those of you and your spouse? Wimpy parents feel insecure in their relationships with their children. In this “kids first” type of family, personal and marital needs are of lower priority. The kids rule and infer an unrealistic sense of importance and power from the way they are treated.
Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at The Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org.
Yes, and I think, sadly, many parents use the kids in battles against each other, which is a really REALLY bad and unfair thing. I just see so many *adults* who don’t deserve the title.
It is hard when you have kids who are above average. You have to encourage them to do things that are above their abilities sometimes so they can learn to fail and come out whole. And that’s really hard for the parent. My sons were all GT. I was so glad they got into GT classes because finally they were in classes where there were kids who were actually smarter than they were. They needed that.
And some of those sorts of kids are loathe to try things they are not already good at. Hang in there tho. He will need you when he falls down, not so much to pick him up, but to help dust him off and push him forward. And maybe a little hug. :) And btw, I feel so sorry for all those people out there who just opt not to have kids. They are missing the greatest thing in the world. My 3 boys are the most wonderful things in my life. Even when I want to pinch their heads off...
I always make a point to tell my kids that making mistakes and failing is a part of life, it’s how you adjust to failure that determines whether you will be a success, or not.
Yes, and like everything else, it needs to be practiced.
So--the next question would be: "If this person (indicating the child applicant) can't even perform the task of an interview, how can I expect him/her to perform the task for which I am hiring?"
Then dismiss them.
My wife attempted to make the parent understand it was the young person who would work for the store—not the parent. And the parent needed to allow the teenager to be responsible. She said, in most cases, the parent really couldn’t understand anything my wife was talking about.
A big shout out to liberal parents, the public schools and the loony left for dumbing down the kids to the extent they have. The parents are just too dumb to realize the left’s game is building dependency.
This has always been a problem with our son. One that we didn't push at the time (we honestly didn't think it was a problem), but now that he is facing difficulties, the whole "I'm not perfect, like I thought I was" is catching up with him.
He is handling it all pretty well, I just wanted to point out to others, that even if your child is "above average", and you are soooooooooooooo proud of them, there is another side to the coin.
I also feel sorry for people that forgo children. God only blessed us with one (we would have had a football team's worth if we could). But that one that God did give us turned out pretty damn good (just not as perfect as he assumed he was HA HA).
LOL they are a blessing indeed!
It’s funny (we have 3) how different they all are. I know so many things now I would have done differently. But you know, you can second guess yourself forever. Mine are great guys. So, I guess even the mistakes I made turned out ok.
Oh, and may God bless you with lots and lots of grandkids. I hear they are even better. :)
Dittos on everything you said, except my “Hell No” would be on the giving in on the discipline. And an addition to that one - both mom and dad have to be on the same page when it comes to discipline.
Yes, in a way we have ‘lost’ a few generations of youngsters. Through the education curriculum, through the progressive, permissive chnages of the 1960’s -70’s society, aided by the mind controlling medias. Seems home-schooling parents are can easily state ‘no’ to all these signs.
Perhaps she is too permissive to compensate for the loss of the parents. To ease his loss, though in the long run it ‘creates’ the monster (as you have stated).
That list describes probably 97 out of 100 “parents”.
From my experience in the last few decades, I readily agree with your ratio.
Too many parents want to be a friend to their children and children's friends. Witness the number of reports of parents allowing underage drinking, drugs and EVEN sex to then proudly state their children are in a 'controlled' environment. Also witness the parent's excuse making when "Johnny' or 'Mary' commit some crime, some violence.
Kudos and what a privilege to be recognized for bestowing ‘blessings’ upon your children.
Ditto here ---- my kids knew they couldn't push me around, their father on the other hand, is an old softie. But he wasn't a wimp either.
I have heard numerous compliments on my kids, that they are good, strong & well mannered. Our 22 yo just bought his first house and is independent. Our 20 yo is in college, majoring in math (no basket weaving here) and getting straight a's.
Proud of both, but I will be the first to admit, I was not and still am not a perfect parent.
I look at people in stores and restaurants and at work. There is barely a single backbone among them. Their children are out of control and the parents show no control.
….. parents were accompanying their children seeking work and even trying to fill out the applications for them …..
Hmmmmm...the result of our dismal education system or the parents 'helecoptering' throughout their childrens' lives? Wonder how many of these parents advocated no scoring sports matches? No disappointments, no obstacles in their children's formative years. Alas, far too many of today's young adults are not adequately prepared for the real world.
” I was not and still am not a perfect parent. “
Perfect or perfectly as you would like? Perfect to me is simply raising a child that has personal discipline, no criminals traits, and is a productive member of society; one that understands and respects themselves and others. If you do that, you’ll be in that 3 in 100 that actually is a parent.
I heard about “Helicopter Parents” just last year. We had a guy horribly unqualified for a job and after the interview his mother called to complain that he felt we hadn’t given him a proper chance. His mother. Mother. I graciously informed her of her child’s social and professional illiteracy and immaturity issue.
Many of these kids dropped out of college and moved back home, some do have a job, but relatively low paying, but many do not have jobs and just sit and hope or go out and PARTY !! These parents are so happy to have the kids back, wish that they wouldn't leave/move out and generally make tons of excuses for them.
Me ?? No way. From the time the kids could understand, I preached to them the important of getting a good education, a good job and becoming independent. They knew they could count on their father & I IF they needed us, but we would not provide a permanent home for capable adults.
I told them NOT to waste their time on a worthless degree, no history or basket weaving majors here. Our son is a mechanic making good money and our daughter is a math major and while everyone asks her if she is going to teach, she tells them there are many options for math majors other than teaching.
I will never understand parents who do not raise their kids to be independent. It is our job to instill a sense of right/wrong and that the world will not just hand them a job, nor should they expect NOT to work and allow others to provide for them (welfare).
So many times, I just shake my head ---- I see where all these stupid ideas come from --- it starts from the wimpy parents.
It makes up for all the times they told us we were horrible! ;)
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