Posted on 06/24/2010 4:11:53 AM PDT by cycle of discernment
Caroline was fathered by a sperm donor - so why does she bitterly resent the stranger who gave her life?
24th June 2010
The act will have been brief, impersonal and utterly bereft of emotion - but 25 years on, the moment that Caroline Halstead was conceived is causing her lasting heartache.
For she was fathered by an anonymous sperm donor and, like a growing number conceived in this way, she has struggled to come to terms with the fact that she is the product of a scientific process rather than a loving union.
'I was conceived in a petri dish by artificial insemination at a Harley Street Clinic in London,' she says, describing the fertility treatment her mother sought when her husband was diagnosed as infertile.
'In my view, it is a horrible, clinical way to be conceived. All my life I've felt as if I'm only half a person.'
A Surrey housewife and mother who is expecting her second child in August, Caroline is haunted by the thought of her conception - and the fact that, unlike her children, she will never know or even meet her biological father.
Her feelings are far from isolated. A new study, the first of its kind into the effects of donor conception on offspring, reveals the complex and often troubling emotions adults born in this way can experience. They feel confusion, isolation and hurt, more acutely, even, than those who have been adopted.
More than half admitted that whenever they see someone who looks like them, they wonder if they're related. And two-thirds affirmed the right of donor-conceived children to know the truth about their origins.
'Out there, in the world, is a whole family I will never know and who will never know me'
(Excerpt) Read more at dailymail.co.uk ...
*These people need to grow up, get over it and stop thinking about themselves and their precious “feelings” all the time.
She’s alive, she’s obviously had a comfortable childhood, and she has nothing to complain about*
Oh, no, that would be too adult. People always have to complain about *something*. Nothing’s ever good enough.
“Er, the woman didn’t actually exist when her dad donated the sperm, so she can hardly be accused of breaking a contract.
The contract is between the donor and the sperm bank.
“Actually he imposed his own will upon someone who had no ability to consent (since she didn’t exist when he signed the contract).”
Utter nonsense. The donor didnt impose anything on anyone.
“The act will have been brief, impersonal and utterly bereft of emotion”
I guess it is a matter of perspective.
The fact that she had a mother and father that wanted her is lost on her. Her father was diagnosed as infertile, but he still wanted her. They still wanted her. In fact there was probably much more love, desire, and emotion in her creation than in most natural ways.
Her parents went to great lengths to bring her into the world.
You are conveniently forgetting those of us who were adopted INTO dysfunctional, and abusive families. The fact of the matter is knowing the TRUTH is an important part of adjusting in life - even if that truth is ‘bad’ in some way.
Those raised in dysfunctional families either examine what they went through and find ways to cope with it, or they become dysfunctional themselves. It never ‘goes away’, and it ALWAYS remains a part of who you are — we are all products of both nature AND environment. The truth is nature AND nurture are both important.
I’m sorry you feel this is a waste of your time. I happen to be someone who understands both the issues facing adoptees, AND children who grow up in dysfunctional families. With the number of books I’ve read on the subject, and the amount of work I’ve done over the last 20+ years to be able to function in my own life I would say that I probably have a better understanding than many psychologists who have only seen and understood from the outside. It would be similar, IMHO, to drug and alcohol abuse counselors who are former addicts themselves. You become an ‘expert’ whether you want to or not — IF you are to overcome, and be a survivor.
Have a nice day.
I think you accidentally posted your reply to the wrong person as I didn’t say the quoted portion. :)
BTW: I appreciate your posts on this thread. I find myself nodding along with what you’re saying... Thank you.
” Utter nonsense. The donor didnt impose anything on anyone.”
“Of course he did! He imposed upon his daughter the condition of having no idea who her father was!”
LOL. I suppose that’s true.
Oh, sorry, that was accidental.
And thanks for the compliment, I think we see eye to eye on this issue
No hard feelings. I guess we’ll just agree to disagree. Thanks for an interesting argument.
No hard feelings on my part either.
Look forward to arguing with you in future!
“Her parents went to great lengths to bring her into the world.”
And that’s what it comes down.
Which lengths “should” we go to?
And which lengths should we leave alone?
Just because we “can” do something, doesn’t mean we should.
Yup. Got thunderstorms moving in. Gotta go!
Lots of wankers posting to this thread. I would have thought so-called conservatives would recognize the mockery of procreation and the family this lady is describing. A father is a lot more than a sperm donor - hell, and Father’s Day was only what - 4 days ago? Short memories on this board.
That’s all - continue wanking.
Oh no problem - I figured that. :)
And yep, I think we definitely see eye-to-eye. God bless and have a great rest of the week!
Well said.
I read long ago (on FR natch) about a book a leftist woman wrote about kids whose parents divorced, she followed up for ten or 15 years (or was it a bit more, can’t remember) to see how the divorce affected them as they grew up. She was figuring that after a few years they’d “get over it” and have no more problems than kids whose parents stayed married. (No single parents or two homosexual “parents” IIRC).
To her shock, she found out that kids whose parents divorce have problems that last long into adulthood - they had problems finding mates of their own, were much more unhappy, adrift, holding down jobs, etc. I can’t even remember all the problems. She also thought that kids who were teenagers when their parents divorced would get over it quickly.
Nope. They were just as disturbed and harmed by the family breakup.
It has also been found that if a father is absent due to divorce or abandonment, it is much more harmful than if the father dies - the child doesn’t feel that the father abandoned him voluntarily; it makes a huge difference to a child.
Artificially conceiving children is a pandora’s box that will cause many more problems than are even apparent right now. It is downright against Nature and Nature’s God.
And if anyone wants to whine “suppose someone can’t have children? Don’t they have a right to?”
No one has a right to anything except life (which earthly life has an end anyway at some point), liberty (which is not separate from “responsibility” - it doesn’t mean license!) and the PURSUIT of happiness.
If a couple cannot have children, they can adopt, foster, help with neices and nephews, mentor other peoples’ kids, volunteer in numerous ways to use the parental affection.
It is not lying, however.
It IS lying.
If you can’t see that it’s a lie and has lasting impact on the quality of a person’s life then I don’t know what to tell you. As another pointed out already, a lie by omission is STILL a lie. Even if your child didn’t know, YOU would know. It would STILL create problems in your relationship whether you acknowledge it or not...
Also, if there is ‘nothing wrong’ with IVF (or adoption), and these issues aren’t a factor - WHY the thought to lie in the first place? It shouldn’t be embarrassing, and if it IS something you feel should be hidden like a dirty little secret than how can one support it going on to begin with? Why? Because people STILL view people like us as ‘damaged goods’. As second-class citizens. Poor little babies that need to be protected from the big bad world, even after we are adults.
What else I can’t understand is how everyone thinks these children (who eventually grow up) are all going to be completely fooled into believing that there isn’t something ‘different’ about them. Or, parents who believe that honesty is not important. People think of us as perpetual children — why is that??? It’s because unlike other children were are brought into this world as a COMMODITY to be paid for (whether it’s paying via adoption agency, or via paying the fertility clinic). Not that our birth parents or adoptive parents see us as such, but the facilitators DO!
Look, if you wouldn’t try to pass off (for instance) an Asian Child as a caucasian’s biological child, then why would you do it to a child who MIGHT end up looking like you - or might not? And, if that child doesn’t look like the parent(s) (and it’s not just about hair and eye color because those can and do change after birth sometimes - my black hair fell out and came back in RED), they are going to be able to tell. And THEN if you persist in covering up the truth? Well, THEN you are teaching the child to ignore their basic instincts, and you’re basically teaching them that they can’t trust their own observations.
What happens when they hit High School and learn about genetics? Do you really think they’re going to miss the important things like - blue eyes are recessive, and brown is dominant? Explain the kids’ blue eyes when one parent’s eyes are brown? Explain to the kid why no-one else in their family has hair the same color - or everyone else tans and they burn in the sun? Why they are the only kid in the family with freckles all over their face? And yet STILL maintain the lie??? It’s just asinine for people to think they can hide these things from people like us. We’re not imbeciles!
I’ll admit that I’m definitely biased on this point, but for a damn good reason. I lived 16 years believing I was biologically related to my parents, and my younger sister. My father believed it would be better to just ‘not tell me’. That I wouldn’t be smart enough to figure out things like - why was I constantly told I’m such a talented singer when both of my parents were tone deaf? People don’t think of things like personality traits, likes and dislikes, but most aren’t aware that these are things that are noticed. It’s taken for granted by the vast majority of people. With 4 daughters of my own, and one who looks almost like my twin, I’m constantly amazed at all the little things one notices when they are paying attention... Like I said, things that those in ‘normal’ families take completely for granted.
Nope, I’ll never be able to come around to your side of this issue, because I’ve LIVED it. I KNOW what kind of irreparable harm that kind of lie does to a family, and to a child.
Parents who deny their children the truth are NOT good parents. They are selfish, and cruel. Those who cannot bring themselves to be honest with their children about their own medical history, and who doesn’t acknowledge the psychologically PERMANENT scars they are putting that child at risk for don’t DESERVE to have children! It’s just plain ABUSIVE behavior.
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but it’s the truth, and I don’t care how badly I get ‘flamed’ for saying it. I’ve lived it, and that’s worse than ANYTHING anyone could ever say to me.
Now, I’m going to go spend some time with my husband and kids before it gets any later this evening... I hope you all have a great evening, and I’ll respond to any replies either in a few hours, or in the morning.
Good points.
Thx.
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