Beam me to Planet Gore !
Posted on 01/15/2010 2:02:18 PM PST by presidio9
This record-breaking cold is no joke.
Yet, along with frozen pipes and bitter complaining, this Arctic front has swept in plenty of watercooler humor, including the wintry variation on the unfortunate summertime classic, “Hot enough for ya?”
“Cold enough for ya?” Ugh. No, actually it's not cold enough, now that you've got me thinking about how miserable I am. It's not cold enough for me until my nerves freeze so I can no longer feel the cold.
Then there's this trendier line: “All this cold weather. Must be global warming, right?”
Ha ha ha. I'm sure all the sad-looking polar bears find that one hilarious. They're not really dying up there on those chunks of melting ice. Bunch of posers.
Global-warming jokes are particularly funny down here, where scientists expect global warming to intensify hurricanes and seriously exacerbate flooding through sea-level rise. I know that stuff keeps me laughing.
For some weird reason, I bet global warming might be a little too complex to rule out just because we've experienced a few super cold winters.
In fact, the Arctic cold only makes me a firmer believer in the Global Warming Conspiracy.
This freakish cold might be Mother Nature flipping out, rebelling against the growing warmth and clinging to that last bit of cold before it leaves forever.
Or it could just be Earth dying.
Maybe it's a south Louisiana thing, but extreme cold seems more like the end of the world than anything else. In the film “The Road,” based on the book by Cormac McCarthy, the post-Apocalyptic world is cold.
Almost nothing could be more terrifying.
Heat can be uncomfortable, inconvenient, but it's a familiar annoyance, and the world keeps turning.
But the first drop of snow, or extreme drop in temperatures, and everything starts shutting down here: roads, schools, pipes, people.
My roommates disappeared into hibernation last weekend, and I didn't hear from my mom for nearly a week. Her reason: “I've been too busy being cold.”
It's just a taste of what people in the foreign lands north of Shreveport experience every winter. And yet another reminder of why I don't live in North Dakota.
People in places like Fargo don't understand why I want to live in a hot, humid, sinking swamp.
I have no idea why they want to live in a dry, frozen, death-cold tundra.
I don't ever want to walk out of my house and dig for my vehicle. Or spend the first moments of my morning shoveling cold stuff out of a cold driveway in the cold air.
This relentless iciness does force me to ponder the deep questions as I struggle to survive the freezing treks from my vehicle to the front door: Why is this happening? Why would God allow such cold on the Earth? Why do gloves fail to keep my hands warm?
And why did our early ancestors move so far out of Africa?
I can understand the desire to leave the birthplace of humanity. It's hot there, and dessertish. Malaria and all that.
But shouldn't the Mediterranean area be far enough? Who decided to keep walking to Norway? And why?
My only guess is bad neighbors or dysfunctional family members. At some point, someone got so fed up with someone else that they moved all the way to Norway. Those neighbors must have been really bad. Or someone really didn't get along with their in-laws. “I'd rather live in a frozen tundra than anywhere near you.”
This relentless freeze scares me as much as any biblical End Times prophecy, more than any Nostradamus prediction and way more than the year 2012.
Someone asked me recently for my thoughts on 2012.
My thoughts are limited to: It's the end of the Mayan calendar, so … it's time to buy a new Mayan calendar?
They're probably 50-percent off right now at Books-A-Million: Mayan Calendar 2013, tucked between Blue Parakeets Perched on Disco Balls 2010 and A Bulgarian Adjective A Day 2010. Or maybe next to Disturbing Photos of Babies Curled inside of Flowerpots, Shoes and Other Odd Objects 2010.
A calendar ends, so that means the world ends? C'mon, son.
Someone is probably reading this right now and thinking, “She won't be laughing in 2012.”
Who am I kidding? Those folks aren't reading this. They're too busy building an underground bunker. Or scheduling a ride with the Mother Ship. Or designing A Countdown to Armageddon Calendar 2010-12. Maybe it'll come in daybook form with quotes by famous people and pages in the back for keeping addresses. Maybe there will even be a Garfield edition.
I'm not the sanest person either, but good grief, if the world does end in 2012, what are you going to do about it anyway?
I can handle 2012. I can handle the south Louisiana heat.
But extreme cold makes the world end.
The only thing worse than the frosty post-Apocalyptic environment will be the jokes about it.
The landscape will be charred and icy, the air freezing and ashen and the people dead, and I have a feeling the lone survivor will be a guy standing at an office watercooler asking, “Sky ashen enough for ya?”
Wow, I could feel brain cells dying as I tried to read that.
Rational thinking drowns in the stream of consciousness.
Talk about your deniers.
These people are truly pathetic. She needs to dust off her history books to see that this is nothing new. My parents and grand parents told me plenty of tales of icy cold fronts in east Texas and they were smart enought to know it wasn’t anything dying. There is really something wrong with anyone that buys into this stuff, you can’t win hot/cold wet/dry hurricane/earthquake/sunspots/highwind/fire THE SKY IS FALLING !!!!!
I’m not for government control, but after reading this, I think a case can be made for licensing keyboards.
She mentions God, but obviously seeks her significance elsewhere, such as worshipping and “saving” the Erf.
“Ha ha ha. I’m sure all the sad-looking polar bears find that one hilarious. They’re not really dying up there on those chunks of melting ice. Bunch of posers.”
What a nitwit. Polar bears swim just fine, for miles at a time. This lady’s been breathing swamp gas too long. She just as obviously knows next to nothing about the world outside her parish. For some reason, we seem to survive every winter just fine, despite her insistence that cold is not just an inconvenience, but actually something scary. For some reason, though, there are plenty of people who have so little problem with the cold that they live in places like Northern Canada, Alaska, Greenland, Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Northern Russia, Tierra del Fuego, Svalbard, etc etc.
Sorry, There is no way in hell that global warming causes record cold weather! If you believe that, you will believe anything.
She’s not just a denier, she’s advanced to the next level, where she’s accepting the fact that the planet is presently cooling, and saying that it PROVES that it’s actually warmer. I’m actually in awe of people like her.
A mind is a terrible thing to waste.....
Maybe her bong typed it after she passed out.
It’s much colder in the northern U.S., let alone Canada and Alaska, than her Lousiana freeze and folks get along fine up there. So if she marries a guy and he wants to move to the Yukon it’s the apocalypse? I’ve spent time in Canada in the winter and nobody was suffering - heck they like to play on their tundra. Sledding, snowmobiles, ice fishing, grilling salmon outside in the snow - good living!!! My father growing up in Texas loved to hunt after it snowed. I suppose next year when Louisiana has a mild winter or a wet winter, rain will be the apocalyse. She must really be “precious” to be this afraid of a little frozen weather. Of course living now in California now every time we have a little tremor I have to deal wth folks on the internet that seriously believe the whole west coast is going to fall off in the ocean. Then there’s those folks down at the Fresno Bee that think the Mammouth mountain caldera is going get us.
She’s female, and if she has a reasonable body and hair, plus good makeup, she doesn’t need a mind.
- Traveler
What a tool. Makes me glad I live in the Inland Northwest. The winters here keep whiny riffraff like that out. Mostly. Or, if they’re stupid enough top buy here diuring the 2 1/2 seasons when the weather’s more what they’re used to, they positively wig out when they experience their first Northwest winter in or near the mountains. Then they leave in the Spring.
Some persist, though. Joe, one of my friends lives up near the end of a private road up above Lake Cocolalla. Unfortunately, so does his neighbor, an obnoxious Southern California couple. the latest story is that one of my friends friends came up to do a little deer hunting last Fall. Parked his truck by the side of the road and headed off into the forest. The neighbor wife storms over and says, “Whose truck is that!?!” Joe replies that it’s his friend come up to do a little deer hunting. The neighbor explodes and says, “He can’t hunt these deer! We FEED them!” For these folks, the Northwest is just one big petting zoo.
You can just imagine Joe’s eyes rolling. Then the neighbor husband piles in and threatens to get on his ATV and go shoot Joe’s friend if he so much as touches a hair on one of their precious deer buddies.
Neighbor then calls the Sherrif. Local Sherrif shows up and in no uncertain terms, tells the Kalifornia Klown Posse to STFU and go home.
Joe went on to tell me what snobs these people were - how they knew all about wine and such, but nothing about living local. And - get this - they won’t even pitch in and help to plow the road in winter. The Kalifornia Klown Posse’s wife bitched about the husband buying a snowblower this year. Hey, the neighbors’ll take care of it, right? So I says to Joe, “Well, Joe, you know where all the pate, truffle oil and cabernet is when the SHTF.”
This lady’s gotta be a freaking “nut case”. Global warming my a##! The “Comet’s” just another “liberal” hype machine that’s in Mr. Inconvenient Truth’s back pocket.
Meant to type Mammoth Mountain.
Watch Al Gore learn about Climategate.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ymxLA5oRYI&feature=player_embedded
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